BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce Am I stupid

Summation: Together 7 year, married 5, divorced 1 1/4 years. Have been seeing each other the past 8 months. Have an 18 month old.

We are casually seeing each other right now. I thought it was more, he thought we were just "buddies" even though we are monogamous, spend all free time together and talk daily. We are trying to get back together but it seems all the past problems are still with us...the communication problems, the selfishness. It seems we haven't changed at all, or maybe all the animosity is still lingering. When is time to move on? When do you know for sure that letting go is the right thing to do?

I don't think your stupid, I think it must be hard to move on after spending that much time AND sharing a child with someone.

My daughters Father bowed out of our life when I was in my 20th week of pregnancy. I felt an almost biological DRIVE to get him back into our lives for my daughters sake, I was more then willing to overlook all the problems we had been having to keep what I considered my family. It was a drive that was beyond logic, I couldn't stop myself from trying to bring him back to us no more then I could stop myself from breathing or my heart beating.

I understand how you must be feeling. I am sorry that things have turned out the way they have for you. Its SO hard when there is so much history and a child involved.

We do have a lot of history and it is hard because I wanted to try to be a family unit. My ex told me he wanted a divorce the last couple of months of my pregnancy, but I stayed until I had him and then moved out two months later.

After our divorce, I gave myself 6 months to move on, start over and was finally happy again. Then, he walks back in saying how he misses me and wants to try again. I feel stupid because I'm going to have to go through that whole healing process all over again, and it was my choice to try to start over. Hopefully this time it won't be so difficult.

Like you said, there wasn't anything that could really stop me for trying again. I know now, that it will be the same. I can take that knowledge with me and know that at least I tried.

now you are older and wiser then before somethings just cant be fixed so they brake. somtimes you brake then you have to pick up the peices and make yourself heal for yourself and your child...you can be fixed and healed.

I know I can heal, but I am not sure I am fixable

I know if I had been in your position, I would not have been able to turn my childs Father away. You tried to work things out and give your child and yourself a family. It didn't work out, there is no shame in that.

I don't know how you are but it took me alot longer then 6 months to heal. My daughter is 10 now and in some respects I am still not healed from the experience.

You are not stupid! I'm sure a LOT of us have stayed with someone when things soured or got back together with them hoping things would be different and sometimes they were different sometimes they weren't!

You have had a bond with this guy which I'm sure as Lisa says has been strengthened HUGELY with having a child together (and of course wanting her daddy to be around!)

I really do wish you and your daughter well and hope that either (a) things DO work out for the two of you, you get back together and it works and lasts this time or (b) you meet someone even better or even (c) you move on, having a break from men for a while but having a great time in other areas of your life.

You guys were married for 12 years! Even when I have been in much shorter relationships - less than two years! - I found it hard to move on and sometimes reunited with them to see if things had changed.

And I am now married and have been for five years, I knew him for a year and a month before that and even THERE it would be hard if we broke up.

But 12 years is much longer and so please don't be so hard on yourself!!!

I am sure many - if not most - people in your situation would do the same as you have!

We were together 7 years total...5 of which we were married, but that really doesn't matter.

Our whole fight started by me posting on MySpace a photo and a comment that we were back together. He calls me and makes me feel bad saying that we haven't even discussed anything yet, so why did I think we were, as far as he knew we were just "buddies". I took the photo and comment down immediately.

Yesterday, I had asked him to come over again, had done so the prior week so we could talk in person (we've been talking thru myspace back and forth). First time I asked, he just doesn't follow thru. He messages me that he has plans. I am curious, so I call to see what his plans are because he never does anything with anybody. When asked or probed, he gets a little defensive asking me "why are you being nosey" and I reply that "why are you being so secretive". He was hanging out with a girl that we both used to work with that has always been after him to either date or have casual sex. At the time we all worked together we were just starting to see each other again. Needless to say I was mad that he hung out with her. Given I am a slightly jealous person, but there are several girls that we know that I would have no probelm with him befriending.

Today, when I drop off the little guy before work he acts like everything is okay and if we are still doing something for Halloween. I reply that no we aren't because I already have plans. He thinks it is no big deal that he hung out with said girl, but for me it reminds me of when he used to hang out with his ex girlfriend who also was his "so-called-friend" back when I was pregnant. Ex-girlfriend and him got together shortly after we divorced. Was later told that she did play a factor in his decision to divorce me. I told him that his actions last night were just deju vu to me and how did he think it would make me feel. I asked if he did want us to be back together and his answer was that he didn't know. I said that was fine, because I had already decided....meaning that we were done. I felt a weight lifted, but now I feel like maybe I made the wrong decision....which is understandable I know.

We are complete opposites and not in a good way, we hardly have anything in common except for our son, and most friends and family dislike his arrogance and pessismistic attitude. I'm a bit quite and keep to myself and his biggest problem with me is that I don't communicate enough and to be honest I know I will never communicate on his level.

For me, I want someone who loves me so much that that the thought of losing me causes heartache, not someone who doesn't know if he wants to be with me. I want someone that it doesn't have to be so much work to have a relationship with. In the end, he just let me go so easily. He seemed a bit mad, no please let us talk more, just "alright". Then that was that.

I guess I'm posting because I want to know if I did the right thing by ending us? My head says yes, my heart says no. Eveyrone else says yay for me.

To me, this sounds like your answer right there. This is not the right guy for you, at least not at this point in time. And trying to make it work is probably just going to make it hurt more.

"Walk away" from that part of the relationship. Instead work on the fact that he is your child's father. Be a great ex-wife. Be pleasant to deal with, but non-commital. Have your own life, but give him plenty of opportunity to be in his child's life. You need emotional distance to heal, even if you can't get physical distance because of the role he still has in your child's life.

Your advice is exactly what my mother and sister have told me. Even as I typed tyring to find out if I did the right thing, I knew it was before my question was even answered. I guess I'm looking for support in my decision and you have provided that.

What I want is so simple that you are right to say that there lies my answer.

I will try to be civil and I will try to just be a good ex-wife. It is difficult because we still work at the same restaurant, but with different schedules. I have no desire to take him away from his child, he is a great father. The only time I am taking him away is this Halloween. I don't think I can hang out together like we had planned...I don't think I am being mean though. This is all still so fresh, that I can't leave my emotions aside right now and just pretend like everything is okay.