BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Why aren't parents honest about their experience?

Rabbitt,

You need to, in your next heartfelt conversation with your mom, clear up the "perhaps what she doesn't understand" section you shared with us.

It's so natural for us as childfree-by-choice daughters to justify our lifestyles to our parents...after all, we're breaking a chain of sorts. But we can never take anything away from our parents, especially like yours and mine, who seemed to "have it all." My mom took some time off, and she had a nanny for a while, but when the money left, she worked and I became a latch-key kid, just like many of us. My point is that she worked while Dad worked, and they managed to make it work. In fact, today is their 47th anniversary.

I've read so many posts in this forum from people whose parents keep pressuring them to have kids; mine thankfully stopped two years ago when I got my second divorce at 34.

There is a beautiful, enriched relationship to be had between you and your mom when you appreciate all she did for you, and she respects your childfree decision. It definitely sounded like you appreciate her, and I didn't hear too much pressure from her side to have kids. In fact, it sounds like the love between you both is wonderful.

I don't think my mom will ever accept me being childfree.
It is worse this year since I turned 35.
It just so happens that these past eight months, I have been having gynecological problems. I may have a hormonal problem. When I told this to my mom, she said "that will be bad for conception!" She won't give up.

"My line of thought is that within everyone, there is a biological desire for people, as part of the species, to reproduce."

Well I agree that the vast majority of people have this desire but I for one have never felt it and I turn 34 next week!

Lack of programming comes into it but I have also never really felt ANY urge to have kids.
And somehow I doubt I'm the only one!

I must say I'm lucky when it comes to my parents in that there has never been pressure to procreate from them!
Like I said before, it's just been my colleagues.
My friendships, relationships etc. I have had parental pressure about in the past and other issues though.
Yet fortunately not this.
Cos even my mum said I never had any kind of interest in kids even as one myself!
Ironic I became a teacher but THAT was partially due to

society's pressure - I thought I could make a difference in the future now part of me thinks GEE, I DID believe the hype DIDN'T I?

Although in many ways I don't regret it!

I do think that some parents lie by the way about how great it is. Yes of COURSE I think some people genuinely DO love being parents but I don't think that ALL people love being parents and I think some people feel disappointed by parenting but like they HAVE to perpetuate the myth.
Like I have said I have a colleague who kept saying I should have kids and I found out later she is very jealous of me because I don't!
Again, I don't think ALL parents are bitter about it but I certainly think SOME of them are.
Perhaps they lie cos they're in denial or they don't want to admit they made a (HUGE) mistake or cos it's a taboo to admit anything other than that parenting is the best thing in the world for EVERYBODY.
How CAN any one life path be the best and ONLY thing in the world for EVERYBODY when we are all so different?!

I DO believe there are parents for whom becoming a parent was and is the best thing ever but I also believe that there are not as many people like that as society would have us believe.

Great post Duane. Thanks for the time you gave in your thorough response. It makes perfect sense to me. I think I could describe myself as a "fence sitter" when it came to children because I always wanted to keep my options open in case I met THE ONE. Sounds silly, in a way, because we can fall into a situation where we convince ourselves a certain lifestyle is good or where we betray our own views and ideas of happiness. But I always thought that if I fell in love with someone and couldn't live without her that it would all be worth it and somehow everything would work itself out.

The interesting thing is in looking back at my life I can say I was never enamored with the idea of having children. Ever. I never had a burning desire and I would have been just as happy if THE ONE told me she didn't want children. In fact, it probably would have been a relief! Now that I am older, the urge not to have children is sronger than ever. I just can't see myself investing 20 years into something that I probably, subconsciuosly, tried to avoid up until now. And it's a good feeling.....coming to grips with feelings and attitudes that were there all along.

Check out this banned commercial.

The CF people will really get a kick out of it. lol

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OMG, that's AWESOME, Vance...thanks for sharing!!!

Loving the commercial!!!!!

Ya play, ya pay

Great commercial! Thanks for the link, Vance! It even got a laugh out of that parent I live with.