BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Why aren't parents honest about their experience?

I think it's also important to remember, for the sake of context, that the confessions sites usually draw people who want to say things that they can't say in their 'real lives'. So the parents who are crazy-happy about being parents aren't really inclined to visit those sites. It may not be a fair estimation, really.

Excellent point. Still, it makes me feel good in a selfish sort of way. I wish no ill will on anyone, but it reaffirms my feelings that children are a life changing decision with no turning back. Some people wonder why I analyze things so much. This can be a fault of mine, because in order to live life you have to eventually "move" in some direction. Still, the decision to have children because "that is what you are suppose to do" can be just as harmful.

I analyze things so much because I don't want to have a lifetime of regrets. Many decisions can be undone or the changes therein can be minimized as to thier actual effect, but a child -- there is no way to really, truly undo that.

"Being the herd" is acceptable for some things, but for the creating and caring of a new life for 20+ years, with all the ups and downs, that is way too important for just "going with the flow".

Duane, I truly agree. I've been told you either know or you don't know. About having children that is. Is life such "black and white" for some? I feel like a misfit.

My line of thought is that within everyone, there is a biological desire for people, as part of the species, to reproduce. Otherwise, humanity as a race would not likely be around. How powerful this desire is in a person varies according to hormones and societal expectations. For those who give into their hormonal-based desires, they are sure of their decision. Those that are programmed via society's teachings are sure. The ones who have been programmed by a spotted or bad experience being a child are sure. The women who do not have a sufficient amount of female hormones, or more male hormones than normal, are sure. The problems come up when someone who has not been successfully programmed by soceity hits the 35 year old "hormone rush" that women feel with regards to "I need to have a child NOW".

Even those of us who feel 100% sure, sometimes let the biological desires sneak past our defenses, and the peep of a desire comes around (as it has with me a very few times in the past). But I have squashed that errant desire with the realization of what parenthood actually means, day to day. End of desire.

Face it -- when one is so sure for their desire not to take on the job of becoming a parent, you are in the minority -- both against those who give into the biology, and those who give into the societal programming. That is why you feel like an outcast or a misfit -- because you are "too dumb" to realize what you are supposed to do. You feel like a failure because in the eyes of everyone else, you ARE a failure.

Just keep thinking how happy you are to not be saddled with the crying, out of control, screaming children and the parents who are bleary eyed with lines in their face, that aren't "really" happy because they can't get any sleep or any time to themselves because of "the kids." You need to counteract the constant barrage of baby-desiring peoples by thinking how they are jealous of you and your freedoms, that they can NOT tell you, because they would be ostracized by their new "proper society" they are a part of.

That is how I see it. It is not pretty, but "to thine own self, be true." "They" aren't living your life for you, you need to do what makes you happy. And last time I checked...

"Living well is the best revenge."

It's funny, my husband and I were talking about this type of thing on Saturday (after baby-sitting a friend's 4 year old all day). When we first met, he was all for the "get married, have kids" lifestyle. However, I'm definitely a "none and done" person. After the uproar that a child caused in one day, I asked him if he had any regrets about deciding that we wouldn't have any.

His reply was, "Until I met you, I didn't even know that there was a choice, it was just something that I thought you had to do. Now, I know that there's an option and I like it. I don't have to constantly put my stuff last or see you completely worn out. I see friends with children and it just highlights to me how much different our life will be - we get to work on our relationship while they are constantly run ragged. I prefer our life".

Excellent posts, Duane_Va and Malamutes.

Duane_Va mentioned that we must face the fact that we're a minority (with outstanding points, and I don't disagree), yet I don't feel like an outcast. I know I'm "different" with regard to not biologically succumbing to feeling such a strong urge to procreate, but I'm so happy I didn't that now the thought never crosses my mind.

I'm 36, and this year just realized it's okay to think that mind-numbing babbling from a 4-year-old is not cute -- it's annoying. It's okay to ignore one of your friend's kid's incessant demands for attention and instead gently provoke your friend to handle the situation. It's okay to say no to a dinner situation just because you don't want to be around OPC's (Other People's Kids).

I'm not part of many minorities -- being a woman and being childfree are the only two that come to mind -- but this one suits me juuuust fine.

While she wont admit it to me, I think my mom feels judged somehow when I explain how on the fence i am and share some of my reasons (not all) for not wanting kids. I can tell she feels like I am saying that she did a bad job or something. It is a real obstacle in being able to talk about it with her. Once, she became really sarcastic when i commented that a lot of child rearing seemed boring - i was just being honest. I sensed she felt i was looking down on her for not finding these things boring. Ironically, and what i cant exactly point out to her is that much of the boring part of rearing me was delegated to babysitters etc, and she had a great career bc of it. What she does not know is how jealous i am that she was able to have a kid, career and great marriage - my parents are married almost 40 years and are still so happy -- i think she had all this b/c she carved out a lot of alone time with my dad and for her job, perhaps delegating a bit too much of the child care stuff for my taste -- or what i would be ok doing with my own kid .. anyway, she was able to do what I am pretty sure I could not manage in this day and age and still give my child what i want to and still have enough alone time with DH and personal time too....

How do i get this annoying smiley face from showing up next to my "name" all the time?? My last post was not intended to be particularly smiley...

that's just the indicator that you're online. if you were to sign out and come back to peek at your post as a guest user, it would be a gray sleepy face.

(mine is showing up "sleepy" because I'm on "invisible" mode)