BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage I need advice

Ok...very long story. I married a man with two kids from a previous marriage. Then we also have our son and another on the way. About 10 months ago I came home from work early (4am) and caught my husband with another woman. We were going to split then but somehow found the strength to try and make it work soon after I found out I was pregnant. Even though when we were split for that short time I had a revenge fling and could possibly be carrying another mans baby. Horrible I know... Anyway, we have been getting along great getting back to the norm of things, yet I still don't trust him. For a while i gave him his space, not checking his emails and websites visited. Recently he started acting funny again and I of course got suspicious and broke into one of his accounts. Just yesterday I found a message he sent to the girl he cheated on me with 10 months ago..it said: Hey sexy..I just wanted to let you know that I still love you and think about you and your son everyday. She replied: Maybe we should meet for lunch sometime. I just don't know what to do anymore. There are a lot of other problems...emotional, verbal abuse and it has escalated to violence in the past. I really need some advice. Please help.

Pregnant or not, this is not a situation you or he should be living with.
You gave him the second chance, took your revenge and he is back to his old ways.
This can't be a happy situation for you , him or the kids. Unless you want to drag everyone into counseling and find out what the problems are and how your all going to solve them - which will only work if you and he honestly want to make things work.
Sounds like he has other plans however.
I imagine you do know what to do, but its hard to come to grips with the answer. You need to consider what you are willing to tolerate and what you need for our own sanity.

I want to leave him, I just don't know how to go about it. When we talked about divorce before he let me know that he would fight me for custody of our son...and he is extremly cold when you cross him. He is a good father but he is old fashioned and wont even change a diaper...its the womans job. Otherwise I wouldn't be too worried about leaving. I hate spliting us up. Our son is only 16 months old and loves us both so much, I don't know what it would do to him. I just don't think I can live like this much longer. That same day he was writing her messages...he came to me and told me how much he loved me and loved our family. How can he be so loving to me at the same time he's planning another rendevous with his girlfriend?

Perhaps in what he was saying to her it got him to think about how much he cares for you. Often cheaters arent looking to cheat for love.. its just sex.
Or its a tool.. he's building a separate relationship while keeping his current one afloat .
How likely is it that he could gain custody of your child? You do need to take that into consideration. and from what I've heard, men will use the * Ill go for custody* argument in order to keep the current wife in place while they screw around.
besides, it may be a good year before he is potty trained.. your husband wouldn't know what to do with him from the sounds of it.
You also have the option of leaving things as they are for now, keep tabs on him for awhile, making copies of his emails and documents showing that he was having an affair and use it al against him in a divorce case.
And especially if he is abusive!!! Make sure someone knows, find a way to document it.. being that this sounds like an end to a marriage I think you need to treat it like a business. keep track of everything, make a case for yourself. its not likely he could gain custody.

He "...is old fashioned and wont even change a diaper...its the womans job..." and yet he wants to fight for custody? So who's going to change the diapers? And who's going to cook, clean up after, buy clothes for, and take the kids to the doctor, dentist, etc - all "women's jobs"? The other woman? What if she doesn't want to be the carer for someone else's children? I don't think he's thought this custody thing through and is just saying that to threaten you. Don't fall for it. If your relationship is abusive and violent, get out before your children are harmed.

That is exactly what he would expect her to do the same way he did with me. She is 18 years old with a small child of her own, I couldn't bear the thought of her taking care of our son. Well I think he took her up on the offer for lunch. He normally comes home for lunch around 6. I prepared one of his favorite meals and he was a no show/ no call. I appreciate your advice and you are right...I know what I need to do. I just need to know how to go about it. If I should pretend I'm going on a trip to see my parents and file for divorce discretly, or confront him directly and try to talk about divorce. I don't want him getting angry and hurting me or try to take our son from me. He would never hurt his children...he just doesn't have enough respect for women. Im extremly upset and wish I could just leave now. It's hard to stay here and pretend I don't know anything and act like everything is ok.

MissRae, please look through the Domestic Violence site and forum here and maybe even have a chat with Jeanette, the editor. You need to have a support system in place so that you're not up against him on your own, especially if there is any possibility that he could turn violent.

Given what you have said, his dishonesty, his behavior towards you, I don't see that you would get anywhere trying to talk to him. Its a BAD idea to give these kind of people a heads up about what you have planned.

I personally think you need to make a plan, get your things together and LEAVE before he knows what has happened. If your affraid he is going to find you and make a scene or try and take your son, make sure he doesn't find you.

Don't leave any evidence such as long distance phone calls on the phone bill and be careful about deleting your history, temp files and cookies on your computer.

I would also speak to an attorney and tell the attorney you are affraid he will try to take your son from you. I believe you can file for a custody order at the same time you file for a divorce BEFORE he knows what is going on. In my county you can file things like restraining orders and the court will forget the cost if you have no job.

As for why he is hanging around with this woman again AND then telling you the things he does, from what I hear some of them work over time to keep the wife happy while they are cheating, if the wife is paying attention, she notices this spike in attention.

Good Luck and please be careful. Your children will be better off in a happy home with only one parent rather then an unhappy home with two. If you stay, you risk your son learning how to behave just like his Father and from your telling me you don't want that too happen. If you stay, your son will learn to treat women just like his Father does AND probably be mis treating you before its all said and done.

RUN WHILE YOU CAN.

Thanks for your advice. I told him last night I want to take a trip to see my mom soon. So I will probably leave in the next two weeks and file while I'm out of town. Hopefully I can save up some money for it. I'll let you guys know how it works out for me. Thanks again.

Well, I couldn't help it. I asked my husband about his message to her, which he denied sending. Once he denied it and I still thought he was lying if I asked who else would have done it he just got more mad and said he didnt know and would just delete the account. About that website he signed up on...specifically for meeting up with other people for sex...well he still has more and more women signing up to be his "friends" on there. When I asked him about that he said he just wanted to see what it was all about. Even though he made a profile saying he was single and looking for "a girl who knows what she wants". He never offered to delete this account however and he's added a few girls that live close to where we do...which really worries me. He's stated over and over again that he doesn't want anyone else and he loves me very much. Should I just stay with him and ignore his activities for the sake of the kids or should I go now before it gets worse? I feel very selfish for wanting a divorce, especially since I don't have any real proof of infidelity at this point. Has anyone else gone through this? Any men out there that can tell me what the hell my husband is thinking?