BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids help me!

Hello everyone. sorry for the dramatic subject title.
i had a really bad breakdown last night when i was in bed. my husband was having a business dinner and so i was alone.
i just started to feel very depressed and sad and was crying . And i think it is to do with the self-realization that i don't want kids.
Basically my story is that i have been trying for the past 2 years to have children. But each time my period came i was slightly relieved...which made me question whether i really wanted kids or was i just trying to see if i could? (i know it sounds crazy but trust me, my friends who have had babies, many of them didn�t even think much more that this!)


I think i was caught up in the whole baby craze, since i married 3 years ago i haven't been working and i thought i wanted to have kids. All my friends were having babies or were trying. So somehow i thought that was what i wanted. But after these 2 years (where i got depressed each time i wasn't pregnant) i came across a website (can't remember which one) about people who were voluntarily childfree. And suddenly i thought "hold on a minute" that is what i want to be. (now be it i may not voluntarily be, as i have been trying and so perhaps it is involuntary) anyway I felt so relieved to know that it was ok NOT to have or want children . I began to read more books and websites and forums like these. I felt very liberated and when i began to look around at the mothers i saw in the street and thought "i don't envy them" It was the first time i felt that way! It was certainly strange. Maybe some of you came to discover your feelings of being CF this way or maybe you always felt this way. I am just beginning to accept it for my self and not to beat myself down for not being able to conceive and to feel that i can be happy and whole with just me and my husband! (he is ok with whatever decision i make, which means he isn't actively wanting kids)
sorry if i am being unclear or am ranting.
I just need some advice/support from anyone reading.(i don�t have many friends who are wanting to be CF)
Do you have bouts of depression about your decision to be CF? (whether it is voluntary or involuntary)

I don't have bouts of depression about my decision, but I do feel sad at times when I think of my husband and how he could be such a great father or about wanting to fit in with the ALL of my friends because they ALL have kids. It makes me sad to think I won't have that connection with the majority of women in the world.

And then....I find myself saying something like "I am so glad I'll never have to stay up late doing homework or making muffins for snack time" or "my house is so quiet and clean without children". If you can try and state a positive for every "negative" you think of in not having kids, it helps you stay confident in your decision.

Hi Swissotter, and welcome!

That's almost exactly how I discovered my own CF happy place.

I never tried to conceive when I was married but glad I didn't. I know there are plenty of people in this forum who knew at a very early age they never wanted kids, while I was one who thought I did or should, only to later feel great that I didn't, and I'm now happy as a clam to move onward and upward with a great life.

Two key ingredients in that happy life, however, is activity and purpose.

Work: I've worked ever since I graduated college, and I still held down a full-time career while I attended my masters courses. This isn't a "Yay for Angela" plug; rather, I'm emphasizing things I did that gave me purpose and fed my brain, which is like a sponge. Now check this out: I've been out of work for six weeks (though I start my new job next week, thank God). During these six weeks, I've gotten cabin fever worse than someone who is bedridden. I've still remained active (working out, seeing friends, family, kayaking, camping, etc.), but deep down I've felt little purpose, which can affect your emotions, your psyche and so many other facets of your life. I even mentioned to my boyfriend, recalling that during the years I thought I wanted kids, I always knew I'd want to quit work and stay home with/for them. Thank GOD I didn't do that, because after only six weeks of being home, I'm going a little batsh!t, and have had to ward off a little depression. Just goes to show you that our brains really do process other lifestyles as "the grass is always greener." I'm glad I had this opportunity for some time off, because I'm headed back to work with a passion and excitement like I've never had.

Outside work: Activity, activity, activity. And I've learned that some, if not many, of these activities cannot include my boyfriend. We all need our own time, our own purposes, our own passions. Since firmly planting my feet in the beautiful, peaceful, relaxing CF sand, I knew I was going to have to do some soul-searching and mental housecleaning to discover and rediscover things inside Angela that make her who she is, find out what else besides kids she wants in this short life, and go do it. I've written ad nauseum about the things I've thrown myself into since spring, so I won't reiterate them. I haven't even scratched the surface. On my horizon: A trip to Italy next year with my girlfriends; volunteer work; getting involved with new friends through church groups; finishing my book; continued work on becoming more athletic and sculpting my body through exercise.

I highly recommend reading the book Childfree and Loving It. I was finished wrangling with any decisions on having kids after the first two chapters. Good luck.

I'm sorry if I am sounding like a rabid feminist here but I have to be honest, I am a feminist AND I do believe that men historically have used pregnancy to keep women in their place. Its a perfect way to shift the balance of power to the mens favour.

What better to do then present the IDEA that women are not women unless they are popping out children. This keeps the women out of the mens way in the workplace and their social lives away from home because the little lady is busy at home with the kids AND thats her place to be.

Why would things like the advent of the birth control pill been a negative thing for these same kinds of men who live and die by a patriarchal system...IF women have that much control over their bodies, then men feel as if they are loosing control.

Disclaimer: I don't believe ALL men are like this, but historically this has been the way. It wasn't too long ago that the women of the US couldn't own property, couldn't vote AND yes were denied birth control.

I agree, it's much easier for men with women at home with the kids. I know people now who are married with 2 and 3 kids and the husband treats the wife this way. I can't imagine being married to someone like that.

I think a large portion of it also stems from religion, with all religions being run/organized by men. Of course they think it's a good idea for women to be at home with the kids cooking food. It's a lot easier for men to not have any competition in the world and then to come home to a clean house with dinner ready, so they can sit and do nothing. It's not a big secret why many religions, which are patriarchal in nature, see birth control as negative. The whole thing sickens me to no end.

Never mind the fact that medical schools now have more women in them than men. To think that the world is missing out on all those babies through the use of birth control!

I think there are some men out there who actually think women aren't as intelligent, and can't hold skilled jobs.

At least all men aren't total creeps.

thanks for all your replies. it helps just to know that there are others out there. this may sound corny, but if you only knew that i live in switzerland and the women only got their voting rights in
1971. (i am not swiss but married to one)
i worked my whole life and when i came here, i immediately realised that a swiss womens life is to get married and have children.
childcare is rare and very expensive and children have to come home for lunch (they aren't even allowed to stay in school for lunch as the teachers also go home for lunch)
so it isn't very suited to a working mother at all.
i am all for working mothers,mothers and cf. but as someone who was at this stage of my life, it made me feel i was to give up work and have kids.
but now i am pretty sure i want to be CF, it seems like i am in the minority (i look around and all i see are baby strollers!)
but i do feel much contented, as i see all the fretting mothers and i do feel a little sorry for them.
(also many of my friends here who have kids are pretty frustrated as they have no help or support, it is pretty much you and your kids, while the husbands are off at work)