BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids 2nd long weekend in a row...need advice!

Hello,
I shared my husband and I's difficult weekend last week and mentioned we had another one on the way...a weekend at our place with MY parents...
So my parents came on friday. I was determined to make this a positive visit. From the beginning however, there was difficulty. I mentioned in passing that my husband and I were planning to go to his aunt's house for thanksgiving. The look on my mother's face told me right off that I said the wrong thing. I explained that the aunt is a ten hour drive so it was a very do-able trip. My parents live a 3.5 hour plane flight away. My mother explained that they had been talking about giving us their frequent flier miles to come to their house for the holiday. I explained that I would need to talk to my husband about this, as we had a plan already. So began a weekend long "battle".
On saturday, my mom told my husband that we should really come to visit for thanksgiving. When he referenced the plans we had she said something along the lines of (i was not there), "I don't mean to guilt you, but this could be the last time you see grandma".
On sunday, my mom told me that she had a realization. She said that she and my father had learned to be accepting of our unique views and our unique lifestyle. Is it any wonder why I don't feel like I fit in anywhere?? My unique lifestyle consists of living with my husband, in a house, with two cats and a stable job....Crazy, I know....anyway, since they are so accepting, she told me that my husband and I should be accepting as to what is important to them, which is being with family for holidays. I heard, for the third time in three weeks that the plane flies both ways. I expressed that I am aware of this. My husband and I have flown back to where they live numerous times. There is always something that we HAVE to attend. Anniversary party. Ill relative..birthday...etc. This does not count, apparently.
I have tried to explain repeatedly that the fact that I don't want to visit the state where they live does not mean I don't care about them. The time I spent where they are living currently was not particularly pleasant and even though it is years later, being there effects me in a negative way emotionally, causing me to feel physically ill. Needless to say, I choose not to vacation there. Anyway, this led to a discussion as to the importance of holidays and even if I don't believe in thanksgiving then I could at least come and eat turkey (which is also funny since I am a vegetarian!).
So that discussion ends and then yesterday I get an e-mail from the relatives of my husband that we plan to visit asking if we are still coming. I mention this. The topic comes up again. I say, "hey, why not meet somewhere fun in the middle?" To which my dad responded with a forceful "no".
I feel like I am expected to go to their house for holidays to "prove my love". Meeting somewhere else does not prove I care. It does not prove I "value family".
Keep in mind, their acceptance of our unique values and lifestyle has not required them to fly across the country when I ask. In fact, it has not required much more than understanding that I will not be having children. I don't ask for anything. I live my life and call every week or two.
What do I do? I feel if I don't show up for a visit, despite just seeing them, then I am considered bad or uncaring.

One other question--all weekend, my mother was calling the cats, the "kids". She called the kitten the "baby". At one point, I brought up to her that I often feel lonely and am frustrated by the fact that I don't want children, because I feel like I don't fit in. she said that this was likely all in my head. Wonder why? She is calling my kitten the baby!! One of my friends thinks she is trying to show her acceptance of our decision...another friend thinks it is the opposite-that she is unintentionally bringing up children and pointing out the importance (brother just had a baby). Any thoughts?

Anyway, thank you for listening.

WOW, your family sounds a little too much like mine.

Who knows what she means about how she talks about the cats? Honestly I have always referred to my cats as babies, even when they are grown. Personally I would ask her if it bothers you.

As for the holidays, have you ever considered getting both families all together? Or is there more then just the Aunt of your husband that you were going to see at Thanksgiving?

Personally I would stick to my guns and tell them to plan in advance for Christmas and go then.

I have a similar situation in that the town my Mother lives in brings back alot of really BAD memories, I don't see her often. She also lives right next to my brother and I am literally affraid of him.

I prefer to spend holidays doing something fun rather then going where the family tells me to go and sitting at the dinner table filling my face with food. I think the best time my daughter and I EVER had was when we went to The Magic Kingdom on Thanksgiving day, yes it was packed but it was alot of fun. I am thinking this year we might go to the beach instead.

I grew up in a family that celebrated holidays by over eating and sitting in stunned silence in front of the TV for the rest of the day, thats not a celebration to me.

I would say it's about time that your parents learned to be "accepting" of the fact that there are other people in your lives that you want to spend time with, and there is not enough time to visit them all. So they have to learn to share. You already have plans for Thanksgiving. They can't just bowl in and expect you to drop them just on their say-so. They don't own you. In the world of grown ups, that's not the way it works.

Children grow up and develop their own interests and own lives. That's the way it is. So get over the fact that you are no longer the centre of their universe, stop alienating them by being so needy and selfish, and accept and enjoy the time you do have together.

Families. Can't live with em, can't kill em...

I have to say - stick to your guns and celebrate where you want to. It's passive aggressive behaviour like that which resulted in us not talking to my husband's family. They'd do the whole "play one off against the other thing" as well as guilt trips all the time until it came to a head and my husband has chosen not to have anything to do with them until they realise that he has a right to live life the way he does. In our situation as well this just requires them to be accepting of the fact that we choose not to have children and I am a person too. Like you we both have great jobs, own our own house and have two dogs. It's not like we go out partying etc all the time.

Interestingly, and I don't know if it applies to your situation, but on all I guess you'd say socially accepted measures, my husband is the most successful of his family. Has held down a steady job, doesn't do anything illegal, has achieved and yet his family treated him like dirt because he wasn't breeding and in a heap of debt that he couldn't afford.

I agree with what everyone else has said. I kind of understand the guilt from the mother. I guess my MIL is giving my husband a guilt trip about Thanksgiving ... which we decided we would spend with my family (we have to split between my mom and dad) since we get together with his family the day after Thanksgiving as well.

Because my SIL isn't going to be there and my BIL just moved to Oregon, MIL has decided there is "no point" in having Thanksgiving ... even though all her cousins and their children always come. I mean, that's what they do - they have Thanksgiving at her house and the next day have "early Christmas" at her cousin's house for the out-of-town relatives.

I guess because her kids won't be there, she's decided to cancel Thanksgiving - so I don't know what the rest of the family will do, as I'm sure her cousin isn't thrilled about doing Thanksgiving AND day after.

But his family expects us to do EVERYTHING with them, even though I'm already having a hard time trying to get to both sides of MY family. I mean, they do about 4 different things for Christmas that we HAVE to be at.

Well, guess what? Last year I put my foot down and said NO - limit it to TWO things - and the world didn't end.

Chaco, I feel for you. Holidays get harder the older you get. I'm also sorry that the weekend was so hard for you. It really stinks when your own parents don't get it. I hope that you are able to work something out.

Let us know.

I have to say if I ever get married again, thats going to be in the vows, "I promis NOT to make my wife go anywhere she doesn't want to go especially somewhere NORTH of Orlando (colder) for holidays or any other occasion"

I hate being cooped up in a house watching people stuff their faces with food AND I hate being cold.

My idea of a great Thanksgiving involves the beach, sand and collecting sea shells AND a nice tropical drink. You guys can keep the cold weather, the people who have to unzip their pants because they ate too much and football.

People who work have so little time off, its a shame to spend what time you have off doing something you don't want to do. Especially if you have a spouse like you all do, it would be nice to have some nice couple time, with me its my daughter, we have a nice time together. I think we're going to the beach this year.

I can't even imagine a Thanksgiving without bare trees and at least some amount of coldness. I like my fall and winter! (Although, I wish winter only lasted 3 weeks. After that I am SICK of it. Summer, too. I could do with one month of summer. Fall and spring, however, can last as long as they want!)

I'm the same way! I love a few weeks of whether so hot that you can actually hear the pool calling to you. And I love a few weeks of snowy, icy fun, but the rest of the year could be spring or fall -like. Unfortunately I live in an area where the moderate seasons are the short ones. Spring and fall only seem to last a week or two around here. *sigh*

As for family stuff, my fiance's family is much further away than time and money allow, and he's never been one to consistently visit at Thanksgiving and Christmas, so we rarely see them at holiday time. My parents are only a two hour drive away, and we usually go up there on or around Christmas,but even that isn't set in stone.

Thanksgiving has been a friends-only occasion for the last four years. The two of us, and another couple (his family is also far away and hers is local but a nightmare)have always gotten together for a big meal and some fun board games. But that couple split up and each moved out of state this year. So Thanksgiving is probably going to be just the two of us this year. I'm looking forward to some quiet couple time and a more creative (less stuck in tradition) menu. We have a friend who wants us to join in his family gathering, but since he's the only member of his family we know well, we're probably going to just stay home and invite him to come over for dessert after his family stuff.

We practically skipped Christmas last year, our only celebration being a quick overnight visit to my parents' house a week after the fact. A friend of mine died in early December and I didn't even feel like putting the tree up, so we didn't bother with much. Exchanged a couple of small gifts and that was it. This year, with me and my mom still butting heads, we plan to just stay home and try to get his daughter over (won't be peaceful!). The fun is going to be Beastie's first real Christmas. She's never even seen a Christmas tree!(I'm hoping that since she's no longer a kitten, her chances of causing chaos are lessened.)

Basically, we are slowly, year by year, developing a distance from the holidays being interlinked with uncomfortable family obligations. We want to eventually make holidays at home, with our tiny family and visiting friends, our own traditions and food and choices of fun activities the norm.

You may have already figured it out by now, but I don't place any higher value on blood relatives than friends. They are also subject to the same rules. You act like a friend, you get treated like one. You don't, and I won't waste my time with you. Even if you did go through 13 hours of labor to get me into this world. I have chosen to follow the axiom "friends are the family you choose" to a rather extreme degree. I have decided to also choose the family I spend my time with. Every year, I do fewer and shorter "obligation visits." Friend or family, I see no reason to visit people unless I want to. This may bite me in the @$$ when I'm older, but at this point in my life, I'm just sick of not spending my time off with people I like because I'm "supposed to."

Beastie will love the Xmas tree! Mine are five now, and I still find the Xmas balls in odd corners every spring!!

myra - You seem to have a great gameplan set up! And I agree with your idea of if you act like a friend, you get treated like one. That's kind of how I feel.

As far as the holidays go, I have developed my own little "me" traditions. For example, last year there was this Friday that my husband got off work, we picked up a deep dish pizza and watched scary TV shows (like America's Haunted Houses and Scariest Destinations and stuff like that.) This year we decided to relive that, so it will probably be a Halloween tradition.

Around Christmas I like to sit in the popasan, drink a glass of sparkling grape juice, eat a Hawaiian bread roll with extra sharp cheddar cheese, and read my Tamora Pierce books.

To me, the holidays are all about atmosphere. Family gatherings don't do it for me anymore - it was SOOO fun when I was a kid/teenager. All the kids would play in Grandma's basement, we'd pick people to sneak upstairs and steal olives, etc. Now that we're all getting old (well, I'm the oldest) and have significant others, it's just not the same, and I think all the cousins feel it, too. So, I used to really look forward to family gatherings, and now I really don't care one way or the other. In fact, my mom's not going to Thanksgiving this year, so I may skip that side of the family and just go to my dad's to make things easier.