Dear Judith
Sorry to hear about your daughters multiple miscarriages, it just shows how these losses can affect not only the parents but the grandparents, and other siblings and friends too. It is so tough to know what the right thing to say is.
I just had my second miscarriage 7 weeks ago today. I didn't tell my mum about the 2nd one because I didn't want to upset her too much. Well just last week I was over at her house, and she told me about this friend of hers who had many miscariages, and then she'd a Down syndrome child and that maybe it was natures way of telling her not to have kids. I was gutted with this story. I felt she was hinting at us.
I told her that DS children have as much a right to live as any other children, and if the child makes it through the pregnancy then the majority of the time that child is strong enough to survive in nature whether he/she does have special needs or not!!
For me the worst thing is when people do not acknowledge that yes it was a life that we lost, and not just a cluster of cells!!
I do find doctors and nurses are great for putting their foot in it. Like just a few weeks ago when I was going for a pregnancy test to see if I was still pregnant or not, this nurse said to me, 'so are you going for a little intervention', I was gutted I didn't know what to say. Little did she know I had just started to bleed with my second miscariage. Then for the first miscariage my doctor gave me an abortion pamphlet to prepare me for my d&c, she just crossed out the parts where you take a pill to start the hemoraging of the unborn child a few hours before hand!!
Sorry I just went off on a tangent there. I guess it is a very touchy subject especially with all the hormones going crazy etc.
For us we know why we are having multiple miscariages. My husbands brother & wife had 7 miscariages and in the end 3 beautiful kids. Both my husband and his brother have a 'balanced translocation' which means parts of their chromosomes are swapped with each other. Its called balanced because they still have all the traits it's just swapped over between 2 chromosomes. If any one wants me to explain further just send me a little email. After my brother in law and wife had so many miscariages they found this out, so then we knew to get tested for it. In French it is called a Caryotype, if your daughter is interested in getting tested or has not already been tested. When you know the cause that really helps. Atleast now when we get pregnant we know its either 50-50, and I'm always praying it'll be this time!!
Did your daughter get tested after the second miscarriage? The first they normally don't test the remains, but after the 2nd, the doctors should normally send the remains away for testing to see what the difficulties were? Whatever you do don't tell your daughter to avoid eating certain foods etc, or flying or anything like that, then she will thing you think it is her fault.
I wish you all the best, I guess you can just be there for your daughter, be honest and not underestimate the lives she has lost.But am sure you are a very understanding mother, I'll pray you get inspiration on the right words to say or not to say...
All the best to you & your daughter
God bless
Thel
