BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Long weekend (and long post...)

So I just want to vent about this weekend. I had mentioned sometime back that it was coming�an out of state visit with my husband�s family and my brother, his wife and new baby. This will be long, but I know I will feel better to just get it out!

I got there Friday night and we immediately met up with my brother. Baby just turned one month old and was allowed to go out. We went to a restaurant for dinner (though we offered to bring take out to their house if it was easier). There was virtually no conversation. My SIL said nothing but, �I think she is going to cry�.does she look like she is going to cry�.??...if we get the pacifier in fast enough, she won�t cry�� My husband, the more observant of the two of us, said that she looked completely uncomfortable and just kept wringing her hands. It was very weird. After, we went back to their house and hung out a bit. The asked if I wanted to hold the baby, which I did because I did not want to be rude. SIL handed the baby to me and as soon as the baby was in my arms she had a camera in her hands and was snapping pictures!! Why???

So baby is in my arms. She starts to make faces. I don�t know what to do, so I start making faces. She starts to scream. I give her back to SIL. After, of course, she takes a picture of me with a crazy face and baby screaming. One thing I did learn in the minimal conversation is that their couple friend had a baby two weeks after they had theirs. Of course this fact led to immediate jealousy on my part, as I seem to be unable to connect with women at all and the only desire I ever have to have a kid seems to be so that I can have a close girlfriend.

I left feeling lousy. Frustrated by the lack of conversation and ability to relate. And also worried because the next day promised to be worse�My husband�s sister had also just had a baby. She and I have never had much of a relationship. I tried years ago, however, she had not shown any interest. Though she is my husband�s younger sister (and younger than me) after their mom passed away, she decided that we needed �mothering� and offered such winning comments as �John (my husband), we worry about you�.

So needless to say, I was not looking forward to her as a mother. She has had a sense of entitlement since I had met her 12 years ago, and I had a feeling that had not changed and had likely gotten worse. Sure enough, the next day, we arrive at my FIL�s house and the comments started. My husband, who has a sarcastic sense of humor made a joke only to get a response, �you obviously don�t understand what it is like to be a parent�. To which my husband retorted, �I obviously do, which is why I have chosen NOT to be one�.

It was a large gathering and I heard her get way to much credit for procreating, while I did not hear my husband get much credit at all for receiving his Masters degree this summer. One comment that took the cake, �You seem to be doing well, working full time with the baby..� and her response, �Yes, and building a house�it is a lot�� and then �you should treat yourself to a massage�. Can I just say that I have no sympathy for the stress of �building a house�. You are lucky to be able to build a house. Many people never even get to buy a house, much less build one to their specifications. If it is so stressful, buy one already built. No one asked about how grad school is going for me.

To add to the frustration, when we received our invitation to the party, it said (in printed ink so everyone got one) �while we would love for you to stay with us, we have no room, here are some hotels to look at�. My husband and I booked a hotel. But surprise, guess who WAS invited to stay at the house? You guessed it�SIL, her husband and baby. What makes it even more aggravating is that we had to spend $800 on our plane tickets�.while they had a four hour drive. At the very least, we could have been offered a spot on the floor. We would have taken the hotel, but to me it is the principal. How do you let one of your children stay, while sending the other a printed invitation saying, �get a hotel?� At the very least, you could explain, �hey son, your sister will be staying since she has the baby, I just wanted to let you know that we did not forget you�. Even worse, several months back my husband e-mailed his dad to ask him whether they were expecting us to stay there or if we should get a hotel. We did not want to offend them. He got no response.

The trip ended with my husband being told that his old toys had been given to the neighbor children to play with and if he wanted them back, he could �look in their sandbox�. My husband left feeling that to his father, these children were more important to him than his own son. This was reinforced by the fact that my husband, looking to pursue his PHD, has been asked repeatedly (and again this weekend) by his father, �what is it that you are doing again?�

It is funny, while I was there, on Saturday night, dealing with my husband�s sister�s snide comments, the lack of interest from anyone on anything but baby, my brother and his wife�s inability to converse, and the respect they got for being �parents� while I was still the �kid�, I admit, I wanted to have a kid. I told my husband, �I wish I could take a pill and it would make me be like everyone else. With this pill, having a child would make me happy. I would be happy bonding with all the other mom�s and have no idea that I was not following my passions. I felt so lonely.

I had two realizations. The first is that what I really wanted, was to be a dad. I did not want to be a mom. I wanted to be a 1950�s dad. I would go to work, come home, kids would be happy to see me, we would spend an hour together and I would be done with my responsibility. But I would still get the societal credit!

My second realization was that I am very angry at society and its expectations. It is because of society and its expectations, that I (and most other women) was raised to think that there is something wrong with NOT being a mom. It is easy to blame my parents, but where did THEY get this idea? Because of this, I find myself fighting an ongoing battle, �I don�t want kids�what is wrong with me??� I know there is nothing wrong with me. But when you are treated like you somehow are lacking, or that what you are contributing to society is less worthy�(I go to school full time and work 40-45 hours per week at a nonprofit, as well as am a Big Sister)� What, I wonder, can I do to change this? So that the next generation of women don't feel like I do?

Thank you for listening

I have come to a conclusion about people like your inlaws and it might sound simplistic. I don't hang out around people who make me feel bad.

I owe it to myself to be happy and live a fulfilled life. I do not owe it too anyone to sit in a situation that makes me unhappy and uncomfortable so I simply don't do it.

I am single, I am of course at times lonely but its stories like yours that remind me of the down side of relationships, the in-laws. I remember the hurt I would feel on my husband's behalf when they treated him in a way I thought was hurtful.

Poor Chaco! I really feel for you! Like Will Smith would say, ... your husband's parents just don't understand. Maybe they gave away his toys because he'll never need them for his own children? Which is, again, wrong. I can't believe they treated their own son like that.

Hopefully you won't have another weekend like this again. And if you get invited, I would say no. When asked, I'd tell them why.

I hope next weekend you have a better weekend.

You definitely needed to vent Chaco! I hope you are feeling better.

I'd say, limit those family get togethers to once a year. OR, simply tell them, "Hey, we are spending $800 on plane tickets, can we crash here?" Or better yet, offer to have the reunion at your place instead.

Good luck!

Some people are just hung up on the baby factor. All you can do is to totally minimize your contact with them -- for YOUR sake, not their sake. And, if they ask why, tell them. Not that telling them will help -- they just don't get it, and probably never will.

Oh, BTW, if I could be that "1950's dad" and take all the credit without having to lift one finger to do anything child-wise, of course I'd want kids!

However, I am not that shelfish and uncaring towards the person that would be doing such a thing. Thusly, that is why it ain't never gonna happen. I care too much about other people's feelings. I would hate to be forced to become one of those dads who always say "Go tell your mom". An ugly world, indeed

Poor Chaco. That sort of family BS is just brutal.

I'm totally with Lisa on this one. Why keep putting yourself into a situation where you just feel underappreciated and overlooked? If it makes you unhappy, just don't go.

I used to have the same problem with my in laws. They would always be so put out that I wouldn't visit them for Xmas. Why would I want to spend copious amounts of money, to spend five days in a house with people that I didn't really like, watching everyone fawn over the kid and talking nothing but kid this kid that? I'd rather slash my wrists with something blunt. Not to mention the five days of snowboarding I'm missing ... hello ... no contest!!

At least you have distance on your side. So the next time they ask, you can't afford it. Or something else came up. Don't bother telling them the truth, they won't get it anyway.

I understand how you feel, and here comes Thanksgiving. I'm already looking foward to it .

I think you just have to tell yourself that you're only going to see these people once a year or twice a year and then just try to take whatever happens and let it go. If gatherings turn out like this I honestly just don't say much. Sometimes people seem interested in what my husband and I are doing, but most of the time I get, "I wish I had the time to do those types of things." It doesn't seem to matter whether the conversation is about gardening or grad school, I think they view it all as the same.

I've often felt like if I just popped out a kid other people would be so much happier. I wouldn't be happy at all though so I just continue to put up with the gatherings since it's family. I have to admit they ask about kids less. At $800 a plane ticket I don't think I'd make it out there every year. I figure you're good until they all pay to come and visit you. Then it's even. They would all stay in a hotel as well, obviously.

Besides if you add up all the money that you've spent traveling to visit family in the last 5 years it's probably depressing. My husband and I could have taken a world cruise by now. It probably would've been more memerable too, and less stressful.

I'm glad you got a chance to vent Chaco. I know how it feels to have family overlook your accomplishments. As I've mentioned, I'm also in grad school, but my family doesn't seem to care. They just keep asking me when my SO are getting married and having kids. I don't think they understand how much work goes into higher education. Good luck to you and your husband's educations!