BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Glad I found you

I am at work and was approached by a colleague....."I'm pregnant!" was the first thing she said. "Well, congratulations!" was my reply. We talked about the sex of the baby, how far along she was, etc. Then, THE question comes, "Don't you want kids?" I'm getting pretty tired of hearing that question over and over again.

That's when I returned to my computer and found this site.
I'm 37 years old, just recently got married (for the first time! ) last May and am enjoying my marriage!!! My husband has kids - the older two are married - and the youngest (a teenager) lives with us. To be quite honest, I like my ME time. I have a teenage niece, and I remember when she was a baby/toddler.....I liked being with her, but was happy when she returned to her parents!
I have pondered long and hard about the kids question. Sometimes I don't know if I want to have children or not. My biological clock ticked in my late 20's (and boy was it ticking very loud!). But then I got used to being by myself and enjoying all the things I could do.....things my friends w/ children did not find the time to do. The wanting to have kids urge sort of 'faded'. Now that I am married people won't stop asking....sometimes I feel like telling them it is not any of their business.
I don't know....
If I don't have kids it is fine with me.....if I do end up having them, I want to have them because I want them, not because everybody expects me to. Afterall, I would end up raising them.....
I am glad I discovered I am not alone.

Hi there:
This has been a major issue in my life too - especially this year since I turned 35. EVERYONE asks me the question of when am I ever going to have children. Then, I get told that I am making a huge mistake by not having them! The frustration is so unbelievable. This site has been so great, so supportive; I also felt alone. It is nice to find others who are in the same situation.
I have a lot of pressure from my family as well. It is so nice to talk about these feelings with others.

I think she was just shop talking,I understand you get tired of hearing it but when you meet new people, its bound to pop up, I don't think she meant any harm.

Welcome CDT ! You are definitely not alone, and like you, I have found this forum to be wonderfully entertaining, informative, insightful.

Is there any such thing as a clock ticking for men? Yes, I know the biological clock for males is different. But I don't want to be in a wheelchair when my son wants to play catch or my daughter needs a ride to ballet lessons. Just examples, but do you know what I mean ?

Welcome CDT - I remember that time - the pressure, the questions, even the "waiting for it to come up" in a conversation, the "oh, you'll change", the "oh, you don't fool me" etc. I'm sure you all understand. Some people were just plain rude.
Initially, in my 20s I was quite defensive and this allowed people to upset me - I then tried a different strategy - explaining it probably wouldn't be for us - this seemed to fuel the fire and people would want to have a long discussion with me in an attempt at enlightenment. The facts I couldn't avoid - I had never been interested in children and could not see myself in that role - I watched my mother and aunts raise children and decided very early in life that I wanted to do something else with my life.
I went through that last "panic" in my late 30s and am now happily on the other side. I know some people gossip behind my back - "why don't they have kids", "was there a medical problem" but people are hesitant to come out and ask when you're over 45 because they're not sure of their position i.e. perhaps you spent years having IVF and other treatments, maybe one of you is sterile etc. I find now that the gossip doesn't bother me at all - I can confidently rise above it.
I found the best strategy during that difficult period (from 28-40) was to be non committal and to immediately change the topic - so say something like "we'll see" and leave it at that - don't be drawn into a predictable discussion - GIVE THEM NOTHING!
I then wasn't left feeling upset, angry, confused etc. A few people I avoided - the plain rude ones. I was always puzzled by one particular woman - she seemed angry that I didn't want children - she now seems very bitter.
Thankfully, we received no pressure from immediate family - even my mother was fabulous - she had 5 children, we were her entire life but she always encouraged us to concentrate on our studies and was delighted when her daughters went to university. I thanked her a few years ago - she said that she would never put pressure on anyone to have children, that it was deeply personal and that everyone was different and that today there were so many opportunities that were not there when she was a young woman.
Trust your feelings and follow your head and heart. No-one can tell you how to live your life, what is best for you.

I think the biological clock for men is more subtle - you have more time - women have to address the issue earlier as the line is fairly clear. Realistically though - most men who want to be real Dads and see their kids grow up would probably be wanting to have them in their 40s at the latest. You do hear of men in their 50s and 60s becoming Dads after marrying much younger women - the wife wants a child so they go along with it. I know a couple that fall into that category - this man is a fairly fit 62 year old but his wife does all of the work - he is more like a grandfather. He admitted to me that he simply doesn't have the patience or the energy anymore....his other sons are 35 and 32. Most people move past children - the constant day to day stuff anyway - they want to do other things like travel and its tiring looking after small children. Also, is it fair on the child? having an older Dad?
Its also clear that the quality of sperm deteriorates with age - they now know that certain illnesses like schizophrenia are more likely with an older father.
Its a difficult area as some people are now so youthful in their 50s and 60s but its also clear that you're more likely to have health problems in this age group....

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I love people who should, and don't, mind their own business. I have become quite catty lately when it comes to the baby question. Someone on this forum mentioned something about asking a busybody how babies are made, and that gets quite a reaction. If I'm in a really foul mood, I'll pretend like the person didn't even say anything and bring up world peace or something else. It actually works brilliantly: either the person is clueless, thinks I'm a moron, and moves on to another target, or they get it right away that I don't want to entertain the baby talk. With people I care about, I gently remind them that it's my life and while I appreciate their concern, I'll continue to live it the way I see fit.

Welcome cdt!

This forum is blessed with many nice and educated people. Some visitors come here to share their thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Others come for information and opinions. This forum welcomes people with and without kids equally. However, I must say that people here are capable of helping just about ANYBODY make a conscious decision about anything that relates kids.

WOW!!!! This is the first time I ever post 'stuff' in a forum and was surprised at how quickly you all have replied. I dont' feel so alone now....thank you for sharing what you tell others when THE question pops up. Who knows.....maybe one day I will change my mind but for now I sm happy child-free and live my life the way I want to.