BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Drifting into childfree?

Wow, we have that in common, too. Breast cancer is way too common, such a shame. We should be fine as long as we are aware.

Thanks for your kinds words - I've enjoyed your comments as well. This is such a cool forum

Hello happytobechildfree!

I'm certainly no expert on the subject, but what I've researched (and boy I've gone crazy with this because of my own gyn issues), the average woman goes through biological changes as well as emotional changes during every one of her cycles.

During the early to midpoint of our cycles, we ovulate. Anyone who charts their temperatures will notice a distinct increase because the environment in our wombs change (to make it more friendly for sperm). During this time, I have known a fair amount of women (including myself) who feel a rise in their sexual passion and the "need to fornicate!" LOL!

To me, this is biology encouraging us to "make babies" for the sole biological purpose of making babies.

And its definitely true for a lot of us that we cannot control the anxiety, moodiness, depression, etc., that can come with PMS. There's no light switch, just like there doesn't seem to be one for the "biological clock."


I certainly don't want to exclude societal pressures and influences, because we are more than just biological beings as we carry thoughts, emotions, and logic (or sometimes lack thereof, LOL!). I just want to put forth that while there are some things we can control, there are others that we just cannot. It would behoove us all to not beat ourselves up and allow ourselves to got through the emotions and confusion as a means to heal.

Very interesting thread...

Like you Nataz I've had the awful "sitting on the fence" feeling for a little while. It's my 33 birthday next month, my second weeding Anniversary tomorrow and I think it kind of just all reaches that stage when you wonder whether you're making the right decision. It hasn't helped that a lot of my peers are having children at the moment as well.

The "you could change your mind" brigade really upset me - I've felt I've never wanted children since I was 12. What scares me most is that my damned hormones will act up for just long enough to fall pregnant and I'll be stuck with a child for life... I am looking into Essure to ensure this can't happen.

The pressure is emmense I think - one day being CF will be embraced like being gay or single....

I know what you're all talking about and I can assure you that its possible to pass through that last panic and enjoy life on the other side. I'm now late 40s and CF - I never wanted children nor saw myself in that role. I always knew I wanted to do something else with my life - I wanted options, choices and financial security. I grew up surrounded by babies and toddlers so had no romantic illusions. So, I went to law school. Some people say it was my career that stopped me from having a family - not so, my job would never have stopped me from having children. I have been with the same man (my first serious boyfriend) for 25 years - we agreed from the outset that there would probably be no kids but that we'd leave the issue open... we discussed it every few years and always agreed that it wasn't for us - THEN, in my late 30s I started to feel a gnawing anxiety about the issue and wondered whether we should have one; so there would be no regrets. Most of my CF friends and colleagues had succumbed to the pressure at that point - they continued to do so into their 40s - the last friend giving birth at 44. My husband helped me get through that time - he had moved from indifferent to definitely not wanting them. He was puzzled by my change of mind because he didn't feel I'd changed in any other way? So why the sudden panic - Did I suddenly enjoy being around small children? No. Did I suddenly want to nurse and hold babies? No.
Was I prepared to change my life dramatically? No. Was I unhappy with my life? Definitely not. What did I enjoy most about my life? My Freedom, my success, travelling, socializing and entertaining...
I examined my own feelings and realized that I hadn't changed in any profound way - if I could have given birth at 60 then the "feelings" would have started then - maybe,its natures way of giving us a final push at the last hour or just that realization that an option will soon become unavailable to you - its sort of human nature to grab at something that's being taken away.
I thankfully didn't start feeling "that way" until I was late 30s so I feel for those of you feeling the pressure, both internal and external, in your late 20s and early 30s.
Good luck to all of you - by the way I have a great job, a happy marriage and travel the world for work and pleasure - wouldn't change a thing! While others dash for the creche, I make my way to a gorgeous Italian coffee shop behind the office or to my favourite wine bar and relax and unwind...heaven!

Thank you! I am still having moments of that last panic. Fortunately (much helped by this forum) I can see them for what they are. I do so much appreciate your post, which is very inspiring.(I'm 41). Your post is amazing - so clear, well-articulated and also touches on so many of the things I have thought about. I've been having a few hormonal, kodak-moment-yearnings over the last week and this has really helped.




That describes it so perfectly! When I have my moments now, I try to say to myself "if you had truly wanted kids, you wouldn't have waited until the last possible hour to do it. You've had 20 years to have kids, so why panic now?"




Ah, wonderful - what an inspiration! Thank you!

By the way, everyone,I had coffee today with my CF friend (the tap dance teacher/ script-writer/ voiceover artist who has shunned the corporate world) and we started talking about children and I told her I have struggled with being in two minds sometimes. Well, she did the "muscle test" on me. She's done this before on me for nutritional things (to see what foods I am intolerant to) but it apparently works on other stuff too. I had to touch my little finger (pinky) to my thumb and try to keep them held together while saying firstly "I want children" and secondly "I don't want children" and she tried to prize them apart. Well, when I said "I want children", they came apart really easily - I had no strength to hold them together. This is supposed to indicate this is wrong for me. She said "You liar, you don't want them at all"!! When I said "I don't want children" she couldn't prize my fingers apart for love nor money. Interesting, huh.

I might add it's school holidays here and we had children screaming in our ears in the cafe :-)

I just found more about muscle testing here - it is supposed to have merit (even though I am cynical as hell about these things) -BellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!

Just noticed the post from Pikasam - I would also be interested to know whether other people have noticed their CF friends and colleagues changing their minds about children as they move into their 30s and 40s...
If someone had asked me at 35 whether CF couples will change their minds about kids - I probably would have said "no" but in my late 40s my answer would be "yes, many will go on to have at least one child".
I know in CF statistics they often include fairly young people - I've often wondered if they returned when people were 45 what the figures would show?
I knew quite a few people who didn't want children (not undecided) when I was in my 20s and early 30s - gradually they had at least one child - my "hardcore" CF friend had one at age 44.
I don't see much of my friends that are now parents - the reality is that you grow apart.
I would never question/doubt anyone's decision not to have children - it's a private matter but I guess, my experience suggests to me that many people change their minds as they age for all sorts of reasons. Not everyone but many...
In most cases it was the woman that seemed to change while the man was indifferent but in a couple of cases, the man also changed his mind.
We still have a few CF friends, lots of single friends and older friends with grown up children. The latest couple to change have been friends for years - I felt a twinge of sadness at their news because I know we'll see a lot less of them in the future. Selfish of me I know...they are in their early 40s.
I have read that there are lots of CF couples but personally, I don't know all that many in their 40s.
It was great to discover this forum and find so many like minded people - would love to have you all over for dinner! It would be nice to be part of the majority for a change!

That would be a very fun dinner party!!

And in my favourite Australian city too. The cuisine in Melbourne is exquisite - Deb, we could save you the dishes and just eat out!! :-)

I agree we have wonderful restaurants in Melbourne - we're very lucky! I'd like to visit Calgary one day - I attended a conference in Quebec City earlier in the year - really enjoyed my stay. I definitely want to see more of Canada. Maybe, we could make it a progressive dinner....

Hey, can I come too? I live in Stamford, CT but have lived in California for six years and have been to Sydney on several occasions. I'll go anywhere ! I'm not much of a cook, but I can bake !