BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Suspect Husband is cheating

I am new to this site and I would love some advice. I "suspect" my husband is very interested in a new co-worker. I have no strong evidence, just distinctive signs in his behavior and his sudden loss of interest in our home and me. His company is having their picnic this weekend and he wants to go. She will be there to. How can I seem to enjoy myself and not let on that something may be going on, and if something does happen, how do I subtly handle the situation?

I was in your place about 5 years ago.

For the picnic, I would take a camera along. It won't seem out of place. Take pictures of anything you see that looks strange. Later when you have a chance, you can take your time to look over them.

IF he is having an affair, he will have left proof somewhere. For example, an affair takes time outside of work. Do they spend their lunch hour together, is he often late home from work?

When my ex cheated on me, I accessed his email accounts, his cell phone bill I found evidence of his lies all over. I even went through the trash and found things he had been arrogant enough to throw away at home.

If they are using a hotel for their meetings, one of them has to charge it. If they are going out too eat, it has to be paid for somehow. Even if you don't find charges on his card, check your bank account, see if there is an unusual pattern in withdrawals. You might also check and see if he is depositing his entire paycheck or keeping a chunk back.

If you have a friend in the area, I would ask my friend to follow him just to see what he does. See who he meets etc.

The problem is that even if he isn't cheating on you AND you carry this suspicion in your heart, that will be as destructive to your relationship as if he were cheating on you. I think its important to prove to yourself that he is not actually cheating OR prove that he is.

I for one would want to look into EVERYTHING before I told him I knew.

I immediately turned off the debit cards and the calling cards, put passwords on all the utilities, changed the home phone number, AND of course changed the locks on the house.

I hope your wrong, I honestly do. The problem is that men and cheating are like cockroaches, if you find one cockroach in the kitchen you can be sure there are plenty more that are unseen. If you catch your man having an affair of course he is going to say this is the first time it ever happened but he is more then likely lying to you.

Some people live life through lying, its just how they operate.

Why wouldn't you just talk to him about it? He may lie, but if you know him well, you will know if he is lying and then you can start checking up on him. I know for a fact my husband has been attracted to other women and I talk to him about it - face it he's married, not dead. Attractions happen, but if you talk about it, some how I think it puts a little bug in their brain. Also, it isn't as thrilling for him if he knows you are suspecting something is going on.

Unfortunately men know that woman WANT to believe that their husband is just looking and they will lie and tell the women what they want to hear.

If you really think your husband is up to something, the last thing you want to do is warn him you have an idea that something is going on, you will give him a heads up and he will cover his tracks and by the time you find out, who knows what will have happened.

That is me. Sometimes I look at the menu, but I never order from it.

"his sudden loss of interest in our home and me."

This sounds like alot more then just looking at someone else, this sounds like he feels quilty about something he has done or knows he is about to do. It sounds like his commitment to his wife and home are no longer a priority.

This begs the question, why do so many men get married when they don't want to be married? Is there a reason I am missing? Do societal pressures get the best of them, do they think they will be getting sex on tap but then find there is actual responsibility involved in marriage, beyond the sex? Do they believe that marriage and family are things that build themselves and require no work or support from the husband/father?

Lisa

I am sorry for your pain. As for why men get married, I think there are a variety of reasons, but my husband was involved in a terrible earlier marriage and his story reads like a soap opera in my opinion.

I asked him "why did he marry her and why did he stay?" He advised that he was trying to climb in his career and that one of his superiors advised him he should "settle down" as his partying was not helpful to his career. This was in the late eighties.

He told me he felt sorry for his "ex-wife" as she was not attractive and did not go on many dates and he agreed to a date when she asked him to go to dinner. He said it then became like a ball rolling down a hill that he could not control. He said he missed his days of dating, but she was always "around" and showed up at this home". Belive me, he dated many attractive womnen from the pictures I saw, so "getting sex" was not a problem for him.

In fact if you can believe this, he said that she told him she thought they should get married and he said "no, he was not ready". Her father was ill at the time and they went to their home for dinner. Out of the blue, she pulled out a ring(that she had bought without his knowledge) and said "guess what - we are getting married" He did not know what to say.

On the way back, he said he was not ready to get married and she said that if she called her "sick father" it would break his heart. My husband liked her father and felt guilty, so did nothing.

She immediately started sending out marriage invitations to all of his colleagues without even telling him. He said it all became too big and on his "wedding day" he wanted to "run" but felt trapped. Believe me I have seen the post wedding pictures and they look like a man who has just been beaten.

She then kept pushing him for children, they had three and he stayed for years. Having children though was his decision, as I am sure she did not "rape him" As I told him, if he really wanted away from her, he would not have had any sex with her. His mother told me, each time she got pregnant, it was on a vacation. He once told his mother that on vacation, he could drink enough to forget it was her who was making sexual advances and actually have sex with her. I was appalled, but his mother swore this was true. His daughter also told me once that "daddy usually slept on the couch"

When he finally left, she has used the children against him.

He worshiped his children and the pain that this has caused has in the past "almost killed him" as he has had significant medical problems.

He now realizes that he should have told her in the beginning that "while she was a nice person, he was not getting married and wanted to leave the relationship" The fact that he could not confront her early in the relationship led to him ruining a significant portion of his life. He did not do himself any favors or her. A female friend of his told me she knew them from the beginning of their marriage and that he was the most miserable person from day one until the day he finally had enough and left.

I do not think many men can communicate their true feelings, as they do not want to deal with the "tears" and instead hide in work, affairs etc. I think men should learn to be clear and communicate. It is their own fault if they do not.

I am sure there are also some guys who like to "have it all" Sex on the side and a wife cooking and cleaning at home. These are clearly insecurity issues, in my opinion.


I think people need to realize marriage is a lot of hard work and some do not work. If a person does not to stay in a marriage, he or she should respectfully advise their spouse and exit the marriage in a respectful manner and not try to hide money etc.

On the other hand many women need to realize that "Cinderealla" was just a fairy tale and that when a marriage is over, lift up your head, respect yourself and move on. They say money is the root of all evil. I believe it is bitterness and the desire for revenge. These feeling wiil lead women to use their children which in my view is child abuse. If women need help getting over a divorce then they should seek medical help. Using children is never acceptable. Of course men should also be responsible parents, pay child support etc.

Good luck to all of you.

Car, thats a really sad story that anyone wasted that much of their life.

When I asked why do men get married, I meant why do men that CHEAT get married. Men who know they don't want to settle down with one woman, why do they get married?

Be carefull on how much "looking into" you do on him. He may be cheating,, in which case you would be justified. But if hes not cheating, and he discovers that you have been going through his cell phone/emails/bank statements/etc/etc/etc. There will be alot of anger. Not only will you have completely violated his privacy, but you will have showed how there is a complete lack of trust.

Honestly..I would just talk to him, it's the best option, let him know that the appearance he is giving off is hurting you. You don't need to worry about "warning him" or "giving him a heads up"...this isn't an episode of Magnum PI, this is a relationship. Talk to him, try and work things out. Sometimes we do things that we feel are harmless, and we don't realize we are hurting our spouses until they point it out.

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