BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce How to get the strength to leave

I have been married to my husband for over 10 years. We have 2 children and for the past 4 years we have had one problem after another. I have stayed because I keep thinking that he will change back to the man he once was, and life will be good again. But after 4 years of HELL I realize now that he is never comming back, And the way he is now is killing me. He is such an unstable psycho, One day he might be happy and with out reason he will change and be dark for weeks. I keep finding things online like sex forums that he is doing and now maybe interested in swinging. Oh this is honestly killing me. I feel so trapped. He controlls me and our children by manipulating us and making us feel like trash. Somedays I can hardly move. I feel my life slowing down and things I was once interesting in and loved to do, are gone I feel as though if i do them I will come home to Crazy Man. is their any one that can help me with advice?

I was in live in relationship for 14 years. We also have 2 wonderful children together. My 'husband' was an alcoholic and drug addict so we had an amazing amount of problems. I loved him and still do with all my heart but I finally realized that it was time to let him go. My children are my first priority and it was unhealthy for them to be in such a volitile environment. There was abuse and lots of it whether verbal or physical, the outcome is the same.
Sometimes, you have to love someone enough to let them go. Its hard but in the end it makes you a stronger parent and your partner just might get the motivation to turn their own life around.

HI,
Sorry to hear that you & your 2 kids are going through this. Is your husband diagnosed with any mental illness? How is he controlling you? With $ or other things? I don't know what to say or where to start. But you might want to try counseling for both of you. If he does not go you might want to give it a try for yourself. I feel bad for you. Do you have any family around or good friends to talk to? I assume that you tried to talk to him many times.

I would not want to live like this. I would not put up with that swinger stuff. 2 people have to agree on that kind of lifestyle & I know you don't want that. Do you feel that he could harm you & your kids in a physical way too? If so & you have no family to help you, there are shelters. If you can support yourself you might want to tell him unless he goes with you to a therapist that you will separate. I went through something terrible with my husband yrs. ago. It was different but eventually I had to kick him out. I did have a young daughter at the time too. He was using drugs & that can change a personality alot. There was no talking to him either. But I had to stand up for myself & daughter. I seen no hope either but things can get better. But if the other person does not want to change & work on the marriage then you have to do things to make a change for yourself & kids for the better. You can take control back in some way that works for you. I don't know what is right for you. But I do know it is not right for anyone to live like that. I wish you all the luck in the world. I also hope that you do have some family or good friends to help you out. I did not have that when I kicked my husband out. But I had to do what was best for the well being of myself & daughter. At the time I felt like I was losing my mind.

Best wishes & the very best of luck to you. Judy K. Chicago.

Thanks for your post, He controlls me by saying he will take my kids. He plays mind games. It is so hard to not listen to him he plays on my insucurity. I am terrified to leave my children, even for a night. I was abused when I was a child and because of that I feel like I can not be away from my children. He does have a pill and drinking problem as well. He was diagnosed with some kind of mental disorder but says he is better now. He left our church and now claims there is no God. He has tried to kill him self before but it has been a few years now that he has done that. He is not physically abusive but mentally it is unbelivable. I do have family that lives close by, But he says he can prove that living with them is not suitable for our children. I work but I do not make any money. I teach at a private school but the money I would make go to my childrens tuition. My son is dyslexic and public school does not work for him. So I just feel trapped, But I do hope to find the strength to leave and not look back. The sad thing is I really feel controlled by him, he knows just what to say to keep me where he wants me.

HI,
THAT IS ALOT TO DEAL WITH. BUT YOU CAN'T LISTEN TO HIM ANYMORE. IF YOUR FAMILY CAN HELP YOU TO GET A LAWYER THAT WOULD BE A GOOD START. ALSO IF THEY WILL LET YOU STAY WITH THEM YOU CAN TAKE THE KIDS & LEAVE. HE CAN'T TELL YOU YOUR FAMILY IS UNSUITABLE FOR YOUR KIDS WHEN HE IS DRINKING & TAKING PILLS. MY HUSBAND PLAYED ON MY INSECURITY TOO. I HAD NO SELF-ESTEEM BUT I DID KNOW THAT MY DAUGHTER DESERVED BETTER. I HAD TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. SHE HAD NO CHOICE BEING A YOUNG KID AT THE TIME.

I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I'M TYPING IN CAPS RIGHT NOW BECAUSE IT IS BETTER FOR ME TO SEE WHAT I AM DOING. I'M ILL & IT MAKES IT EASIER AT TIMES. SO, I'M NOT SHOUTING AS SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT IS WHAT CAPS DO. ABOUT YOUR SON, CAN YOU TELL WHO IS IN CHARGE ABOUT YOUR SITUATION & MAYBE THEY WILL LET HIM ATTEND, FOR A LOWER COST OR FOR FREE. I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO PUT HIM IN PUBLIC SCHOOL BUT YOU CAN'T KEEP LIVING LIKE THIS & NEITHER CAN YOUR KIDS. I HAD ABUSE GROWING UP TO BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO ALLOW HIM TO DO THIS TO YOU. IT IS HARD TO SEE BUT YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE. OR CHOICES TOO.

IKNOW NOONE WANTS TO HAVE TO GO TO A SHELTER BUT IT IS ALWAYS 1 OF THE CHOICES & THEY CAN HELP WITH YOUR KIDS PROBLEMS TOO. I DON'T WANT TO SCARE YOU BUT ANYONE WHO IS MENTALLY ABUSIVE & DRINKING/DRUGGING CAN BECOME PHYSICALLY VIOLENT. IT CAN HAPPEN. AGAIN, I AM JUST MAKING SUGGESTIONS BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT IT RIGHT FOR YOU. I WOULD NOT WANT TO STAY WITH HIM. YOU CAN ASK HIM TO LEAVE. OR YOU CAN TAKE YOUR KIDS & LEAVE. I'M SURE AT A SHELTER THEY CAN HELP YOU TO GET A LAWYER TOO.

IS YOUR FAMILY OK OR ARE THEY INTO SOMETHING THAT HE CAN USE AGAINST YOU? IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE HE IS JUST TALKING ALOT OF GARBAGE TO KEEP YOU FROM LEAVING. YOU HAVE SOME WONDERFUL SKILLS. YOU ARE A TEACHER. I DID NOT HAVE ANY SKILLS LIKE THAT WHEN I HAD TO KICK MY HUSBAND OUT. I DID NOT EVEN KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COMPUTERS ETC. YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH WITHIN BUT YOU NEED SUPPORT & HELP. HAVE YOU TALKED TO YOUR FAMILY ABOUT THIS? IF NOT THEN NOW IS THE TIME. TRY TO CALL SOME ABUSE HOTLINE & GET ALL THE INFO THAT YOU CAN. DON'T WAIT. TAKE SOME CONTROL BACK & TAKE SOME KIND OF ACTION. THAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER TO DO SOMETHING.

THERE IS ALSO A DOMESTIC ABUSE FORUM HERE & SOME GOOD PEOPLE TO TALK TO & YOU CAN HEAR WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY. MENTAL ABUSE IS BAD ALSO. IT IS SERIOUS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT AREA YOU ARE FROM BUT IN MY AREA (CHICAGO) THERE ARE WOMEN'S SHELTERS WHO WILL DO ALOT TO HELP YOU & YOUR KIDS IF YOUR FAMILY CAN'T OR ARE NOT ABLE TO. IT IS REAL GOOD THAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT THIS. BUT NOW IS THE TIME TO FIND OUT MORE & WHAT STEPS TO TAKE. IT SOUNDS TO ME THAT HE WILL NOT CHANGE. HE IS GETTING WORSE & TREATING YOU & YOUR KIDS WORSE TOO AS TIME GOES ON. IT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE HE WILL GO FOR THERAPY. HE IS PAST THAT RIGHT NOW. WHEN HE TRIES TO CONTROL YOU, SAY TO YOURSELF HE IS A SICK, ABUSIVE MAN & I WON'T LISTEN TO THIS. I FEEL SO BAD THAT THIS IS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE. I HOPE THAT YOU CAN TAKE SOME STEPS TO HELP YOURSELF & YOUR KIDS. SOMETIMES WHEN YOU TELL FAMILY ABOUT IT OR OTHERS THEY WILL BE THERE FOR YOU. KEEP US POSTED & I DO HOPE THAT YOU CAN GET SOME HELP. GOOD LUCK TO YOU. JUDY K. CHICAGO.