BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Since when do we answer to kids?

I went to a family dinner at my aunt's house yesterday. I sat down in the chair my three year old niece had apparently just got up from at the kitchen table. The child threw an all-out fit over the chair. She told ME to get up because it was HER seat. What angered me was that not one of the 7 adults in the room (including her mother and grandmother) did anything about it. They actually agreed with the child and told me I should get up because she was sitting there first! They told me I was aggravating her.

I refused to give in to a bratty child and remained in the seat. The other adults in the room, (all breeders) labeled me mean and cold-hearted. They said I'll be nicer when I have children of my own. After that episode, I'd sooner cut off my leg then have a kid.

When I was a kid, at family gatherings (or when adult friends of my parents were over) the chairs belonged to the adults. If an adult got up, the children could sit in the chair, but upon return of the adult, the child had to give up the seat. As a kid, I remember being annoyed. Now I understand, and appreciate that my parents were so adament about children having their place. It was not just my parents who were like this, but all of my relatives-and I have a big family!

I don't understand how this whole change in mentality happened. I am sorry you were treated so disrespectfully.

Thanks Chaco, I appreciate that. I was also raised to give my seat to adults, as were my relatives. I hope my cousin goes back to our roots, and teach her daughter to respect others.

Aggravating HER?!!! That's ridiculous! I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Lady T. The priorities are all wrong ...

That's hideous. Well done for standing your ground and sticking to your principles. When I was in my 20's I was at a family gathering at my parent's house. My two nephews and niece were getting overexcited and running around making heaps of noise. They were taking over the room and there was no reason for them to be inside (they were just showing off).Someone told them to go outside but they ignored the instruction and everyone was being really waffly about it. So I said firmly "Go outside NOW". The kids scarpered, but then I got teased by my family "listen to you - so bossy, what are you going to be like as a mother etc".

I always stick to principles like that. We went to a local cafe with my friend, her husband and their two kids (the ones I look after sometimes). These are lovely kids, but energetic. They kept getting up and down from their seats and kept bumping the seats of the people at the next table who were trying to have a quiet coffee. My friend and her husband said nothing - frankly, I think they have spent so much time being parents and running after their kids that they've forgotten what's appropriate behaviour in cafes - they seemed insensitive to it. So I said "N and L, please stay in your seats - every time you get up and down, it is annoying fot the people sitting at the next table who are trying to have a quiet coffee". So they sat down and calmed down. My friend wasn't mad or anything, but it is hard to be the one who has to express these things. It sure impressed my DH though,who has old-fashioned values (one of the reasons I married him...).

I agree the perimeters of giving kids their deserved respect has gotten out of whack, (by some parents.) Children should be brought up to respect adults, and all living things, in an appropriate way.

I think what the 'parent' group was seeing was the age. At 2-3 you can't get a child to understand reason, so well. You really have to distract them or endure the tantrum. I suspect everyone else was charmed by the little vixen and allowed her, her own way. Possibly too often.

My kids would never have dared approach an adult and even suggest that they had dibs on the chair. So, possibly it is a good thing that this child feels safe enough around you to make the statement.

At any rate, the tantrum is more about overindulgence, than lack of respect, at this age. Which, if left unchecked, in the future could cause her real emotional problems with self control.

That said, a lot of very good parents (mon.-fri) will fore-go discipline at a party. (they want to relax, they are too busy to notice, they want the kids not to be stressed, they find it embarrassing, etc.) I do think that you had every right to scoop (kidding) an empty chair. And shouldn't have been picked on. I am going on the assumption that you wouldn't have thrown her out of the chair if she had still been in it, or pitched a fit, if another adult had taken the chair when you got up.

Some kids (not all) do have an inflated sense of entitlement these days

PS - 'Since when do we answer to kids?'

We have always had to, in our actions and words. We are guides and mentors. All of us. If we want a planet where the children are respectful human beings. We must be all of that, ourselves. Not just the parents. All humanity.

I don't know a thing about raising kids, but I'd take issue with that. If one of her pearents had got up and immediately time-outed her, I'd think she'd get the message pretty quick that she'd done something unacceptable. Once the tantrum's underway it's a bit harder, I guess, but most kids aren't THAT dumb.


And to me, this is the very time that they SHOULD be doing something about it ... the child needs to learn to behave in public, and why should the other people in the room have to put up with it?

And i think that is part of the problem "when out parents will forgo discipline"

I think parents these days (not all ) try to be their childs friends and fail to use every opportunity to teach a child.

A three year old that reacts that way is used to throwing tantrums and getting what they want. plain & simple. Then these same parents turn around and don't realize why they're child at 7 or 8 has become a spoiled brat. You start teaching your child from the moment it's born.

When a child starts hitting at 10-11 months its because he/she doesnt know better when they do it when they are 3 its because they havn't been taught better.

I'm the 2nd oldest of 5 my kid sister would have tantrums everywhere. I didnt stand for it --u either cut it out or we go home plain & simple

sorry for the long windiness of this but it just really angers me when adults are so worried about upsetting kids and then wonder why people dislike their "pride & joy"

i could go on forever but i think for no my rant is done

I agree some parents are too afraid to discipline. As I said, my kids would never have even tried that, but, if it had been my child, I would have told him to share, and removed him from the room, if the fit continued.

At one point I would occasionally look after a friend of my child. When the mom would pick him up, she wouldn't leave. Eventually I realized, she was to embarrassed to argue with him, but also knew he wasn't going to go home willingly. A few times my kids came home kicking and screaming. But, when 'mom' says it's time to go, we go. And, they learn to respect the momma.

The reasons are varied, but, it mostly has to do with the emotional growth of the mother. Women are often afraid to reveal their true colors. They don't want to appear ugly or bitchy. I don't think it has to be either. Just pick the child up and go home, or to a quiet spot where the child can calm down, and everyone else doesn't have to endure it.

Mothering is tough, in that there is a huge shame element she has to be willing to crawl out from under, and strut her stuff. Life is complicated.