BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Long lost friend w/ baby Resurfaces!

Ok...so here is my latest rant. I posted a few months ago about a friend who seemingly dropped off the face of the earth after she had her baby. I hear absolutely NOTHING from her other than mass emails (to many others including me) about the baby. Oh, and every few months, I'll get a new pic of the baby in the mail with a note from who? The BABY...ugh. As some of you may have read in the divorce forum, I am currently in the middle of divorce. Almost 6 months ago, my husband left me for another woman. And right about that time (a week or two after he left me), my husband's grandfather passed away. Now, my friend lives in the same town as my husband's grandfather, so when she heard the news she sent a sympathy email to me, which was thoughtful. Although, I suspect she knew about the divorce since the town she lives in is very small (everyone knows everyone's business, etc), she said nothing, which was fine since I hadn't told her myself. I emailed her back and thanked her for thinking of us and our loss and then proceeded to tell her the whole story of the divorce...how everything unfolded and how hurt and lost I'd felt. Still...I get NOTHING back from her. Then, almost 6 months later, she calls me to tell me she received my email and she's sorry to hear!?!? I didn't actually talk to her - she left a voice mail. I know she received the email 6 months ago when I sent it because it was sent to her work email which she sits at all day long every day.

So, the burning question is...What do I do now? I don't expect much from a friend...just a short email "I'm sorry and I will be thinking about you and praying for you" would have been fine. So, to be blunt, she really hurt my feelings by not calling or emailing after knowing what I was going thru. And I feel I have very little to say to her now. Oh and another thing - WHY would she call after this long anyway? A mystery to me???

So, what would you gals do in this situation? Return her call or forget about it?

Thanks for the input and thanks for listening!

Hi CF Gal: I've been there, and I understand your frustration. You have every right to be annoyed, hurt, etc. I guess I might respond, but I wouldn't worry about doing it right away since she clearly takes her time getting back to you. You can continue the loose friendship if you like, but I just wouldn't take her that seriously. I have a friend like this, and I don't consider her a good friend. I know she's unreliable, and we get together occasionally, but I know how she is. When I have a problem, I don't further frustrate myself by calling her. I call someone that has the resources to care.

It's weird that she's sending messages from the baby. It would be cute if she was also communicating, and then signed a note ME and baby, too, or something. But it sounds like she has become like a ventriloquist, and is speaking through her child. That's a bit much. But that's pretty classic, and another behavior we talk about on this forum - when your identity revolves around your child.

Hi CF_GAL

Firstly, I am really sorry to hear about what you are going through. My first marriage ended when I found out my husband had been having an affair for 10 months and then he ran off with her. I do want to say that in the end he released me to have a fabulous life, he has remained miserable and is now having affairs behind this woman's back (leopards and their spots etc) and now I am happily married to a wonderful man I met when I was 39. There is happiness in your future, even though you must feel utterly devastated now.

Anyway, I too have experienced similar responses from friends during life crises. I have felt hurt at times. In the end, I came to this conclusion. Friends come in layers. Level 1 contains those who will stick by you through thick and thin and who you can really depend upon during a crisis. They will always make time for you and you for them. Then there are Level 2 friends and Level 3 etc. Level 3 may be those people whose company you enjoy but from whom you can't really expect much more.

I have a Level 3 friend who I thought was a Level 1 friend until my marriage break-up when she disappeared into the hills, because she can't handle emotional distress. For a while I was really angry with her, hurt and indignant (fair-weather friend etc). I wondered about making a big statement and cutting her out of my life.Then I stopped and thought about how I enjoy her company when I am with her and she brings lots of fun into my life, plus we have many common interests (she's the CF tap dancer etc I spoke of in another post). So I made a decision for myself that I would enjoy surface-level engagement with her, but when it came to the big stuff I wouldn't expect her to be around. I found that to be a great solution and it clarified it for me in my head. I also committed to her much less than I had in the past.

Sometimes in life when we are hit with a big life change (which we all know having a baby would be) we just can't cope with external demands. I know that I have peeved some of my friends during times of life changes because I go into an emotional retreat, and I have to be really careful about that. You might find it more peaceful to quietly accept that your friend got swamped or overly focussed on her baby, and to know that she is not really a Level 1 friend, but you can still enjoy her company on a more superficial level. And not give her back any more than she gives you in future. You may have to grieve a little for the friendship that was, that is no longer what you believed it was. It's hard, I know but working from a place of forgiveness can be more restful and powerful for us (sorry to sound new-agey - I'm not at all really)..

As for sending messages from the baby, I do feel nauseous about that. What happens to people's brains when they have children?

p.s. I just read happy's post too, and I think we are saying the same thing. I am a person who tends to give way more than I get back sometimes. Well, I used to. It got me into relationships where I was not treated well. During all my learning from all that, I read somewhere related to dating about only giving the same amount that someone gives back to you. I practiced that on the friend I mentioned plus another friend who disappeared on me for a while. And it really seems to have good impact.I too would suggest a long delay in getting back to your friend.But when you do go back to her, be casual, light and friendly. As if you have had another life to get on with and only just had time to get back to her now. I don't mean be nasty, but just be EQUAL.

You know friends is a tricky term. Rather then just being one category, there are grades in my life. There are friends I would ask to check in at my house when I am away, that I trust with a set of keys, then there are friends that I trust with my deepest darkest secrets, then there are people that I have been closer to in the past and our lives have taken us in different directions but if we ran into each other in public, we would stop and say hi and maybe have lunch but thats it.

It seems pretty clear that your friend is wrapped up in her own life and doesn't have the time to listen to you. She should probably go in the category of friends you can't really rely on.

I too am sorry to hear about what your dealing with in your divorce. My husband had affair as well, we have been divorced now for 5 years. It was a gut wrenching thing to go through.

CF Gal, forget about that "friend". Anyone who reads an email about heart-break and the deepest hurt and not do anything at all, but leave a voice message about how "sorry" she is to hear it after 6 MONTHS?! she's not only heartless, she's tactless too. Plain stupid. It's like saying in your face : yeah, got your email, but you weren't important enough for me to get back to immediately. Please don't contact her again. She's not worth having as a "friend". She's a disgrace to the word, "friend"!

She doesn't sound like a real friend to me.
Some people are really only interested in their own lives and what you can bring to it - fun guest at a dinner party, weekends away etc. - they are not really interested in putting themselves out in anyway - everything is about them. I was in a one way friendship - finally ended it a few years ago - sometimes you are too close to see whats really happening.

I've been in a friendship for the last ten years that has gotten progressively one-way. Every time I need a friendly ear, she seems less and less interested in what I have to say and more and more interested in interrupting me to discuss trivial matters. (Example: I'm venting serious work stress and she interrupts me mid-sentence to talk about what she did on World of Warcraft today.) She used to be a real friend. She just evolved out of it.

For a long time, I was angry about it. But these days, I realize that she can no longer be relied on and I just don't think about her much. She calls me when she wants to talk, and I listen. I try to talk a little about my life and worries, but I no longer expect her to actually listen. I don't even bother calling her much anymore. I just let her contact me. In the next two to three years, she and her fiance plan get married and start having kids. I know where this is going. I honestly don't expect to ever be close to her again.

Myrabeth, it's sad but inevitable. Everyone's priorities (and interests) change when they go through life changing moments (like finding a partner or having kids or whatever). I've been at fault myself. Sometimes we'll go through life with a best friend from day one.....no matter what. Sometimes we will lose cherished friends only to find new ones along life's journey. You can only do what you can. Friends come and go. But if you find a friend who is yours through and through, you are truly blessed.

First off, I'm sorry to hear of the divorce your going through. I did read the other topic and it weighs heavy in my heart what your husband did and just so blatantly. Never is there a time where you need others to lean on for support and comfort.

That said, I am ashamed of your friend and her reaction. I think her head is somewhere else and probably gets wrapped up in the time spent on the baby. She probably has no conception of the hours, days, weeks that pass between herself and people now outside her circle. Is that right? No, but it seems to happen a lot in friendships (although not all).

When I was bedridden for 6 weeks with a serious illness, I had friends calling me from out of state often to check in on me and keep my mind occupied. Same with when my father passed. And then I had "friends" who lived down the road from me and acted as if I was non-existent during those trying times.

There is always a possibility that your email got lost in the email chasm, but it seems highly unlikely. And with small town chit-chat (which some of us understand completely!) it would be hard for her not to know something.

It's hard to say, but it seems like she didn't know how to respond and unfortunately her silence was response enough. You are always welcome to tell her what is on your mind and clear the air- or just see where she stands. You've got too much on your plate to worry about her mysterious silence.