BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids A couple of interesting articles

I was reading Childfree News yesterday and thought I'd share a couple of articles with you. The first, I wanted to be a full-time mother..., is about the effect of children on relationships. It seems that, far from bringing a couple closer, it often drives people completely apart. The comments, which are worth reading, suggest that this is far from an isolated incident - very sad, and another incentive to forego the 'pleasures' of parenthood.

The second article, The rewards of parenthood, is about a scheme in New York which gives financial incentives to mothers on welfare for carrying out certain tasks, such as taking their children to the doctor or taking an interest in their schooling - in other words, for being normal mothers.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, I am deeply against throwing money at people simply for doing something which they ought to be doing anyway, especially when this benefit is limited to a particular group (the people who probably shouldn't have been having children in the first place). It was your choice to have a child, so get on with it. On the other hand, I recognise that we all benefit from living in a society of well-parented children, and that sometimes the ends do justify the means. The Mayor is quoted as saying, "What is clear is that these people aren�t doing what we�d like them to do. And so, if the only way you can get them to do it is by paying them, is that better or worse than not having them do it at all?"

That's all fine and dandy, but somehow I doubt that paying a bad parent to take care of their children will magically turn them into the epitome of parenthood. After all, the tasks for which these people are paid are only a small part of what every parent must do. They may receive a cash benefit for taking their child to the dentist, but you can do that and still remain disinterested and unsupportive towards your children. I'm not sure I'm expressing myself clearly, but I think that there is a danger that they will go through the motions of being a good parent, yet lack the internal drive to be one - and children do pick up on that.

Thoughts, comments?

Great articles Manatee.

The first one just makes me want to cry. Why do people cling so doggedly to the belief that nothing in their lives will change after children are born? That's an article that every aspiring parent should be made to read.

The second one makes me burn. Especially as I'm the poor sap who ends up paying for these dropkick people. I totally agree that it was their choice to have the child, and there are minimum requirements attached to the job. If you don't meet them, then the child should be taken away from you. Throwing money at these people can only foster a welfare dependency, and pass on dangerous messages to girls who grow up to consider it a a career.

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I agree completely, Pikasam. There seems to be a real conspiracy of silence when it comes to the negative aspects of parenting, including this issue - it's no wonder so many people go into parenthood with rose-tinted spectacles and end up disappointed when reality doesn't match their expectations. As one commentator mentioned, people have a habit of thinking "That won't happen to me", but at least they would be a bit more aware of the risk, and might recognise the problem if faced with it after the birth.

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I read the first one about the full-time mother. I thought it was pretty telling in the comments that so many women experienced what the writer experienced. I never want to do that to my relationship with my fiance. I know how stressful it is, and I know if I was in that situation, I would be screaming and crying for help through clenched teeth and I would hate it. Don't get me wrong, he would be the type to help out, he works really hard around the house, but I'm still not doing it - EVER! Why are people so anxious to do this to themselves and their relationships? I will never get it.

I like how they tied it up neatly at the end, and things were miraculously better. So they got through the first rough spot - there will be many more. And if they don't agree on their parenting styles, forget it. My parents are actually very rare (compared to most of my friend's parents) in that they are still very much in love, despite my @hole sister's bs and the stress of raising their grandchild. But they don't agree on how to parent, and it causes them a lot of stress. My Mom won't compromise, and so she usually gets her way. And she's the strict one. I wouldn't be able to stand fighting with my spouse constantly over how to handle every little situation.

My nephew has already been to the principal's office this year. This is the fun that parents [grandparents] get to deal with.

Giving people benefits for what they should be doing is ridiculous. The reward is that they don't go to jail for being a delinquent parent. They shouldn't need monetary rewards.

If anything, the one area where people should NOT be overly optimistic in their outlook IS where a permanent, innocent person is involved. Yes, some people do "learn" to love their kids and semi-adjust. The counter-balance to that is that there are some others who do not and live with the regrets and hatrid for the object of what causes that person pain and discomfort -- the kid that had no choice in the matter.

That is what I hate to see most.