BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Trying to make peace with my decision...

Hi there,

I've been reading with interest all of your posts and much of what you say reflects how I feel inside and that not being alone is helping but I'm at that angry stage...

It's not as though I'm getting any real direct pressure from anywhere - it's just I feel pretty thin skinned and even small comments get my heckles up... I'm 32 (33 next month) and lots of my peers have been producing over the last few years. Hubby and I have been married for just under 2 years (2nd Anniversary next month as well). He's recently got a promotion, we have a huge house (especially as it's just us 2 cats and 3 guinea pigs) and it just feels (rightly or wrongly) as though everyone is holding their breath (although some aren't as polite) waiting for news...

I have been desperately trying to "want" to be a mum (I read on another post that someone was trying to feel the "desire" for fetting pregnant - nice to know I'm not alone), asking friends with offspring about them (more research than anything else) and wasn't my usual negative self about it - hoping that maybe if I "talked myself round" I might think it was a good idea to have a family...

I don't, I hate the idea - It's not just the yucky pregnancy or the sleepless nights... It's the whole thing - the looking after and caring for something 24/7 365 for 18 plus years without any break (although I love my animals - more than 2 hours in the company of babies/children makes me wanna scream). People keep scaring me by saying I'll change my mind (although I think that's much like telling me I'll like celery if I give it enough of a chance) - and I think if I'm truthful I do worry that I'll have a week where my resolve will slip (much like Christmas when you're on a diet), I'll change my mind briefly and be lumbered - mad I know but this concerns me greatly...

You all seem so strong and defending of your views - I really admire that, I just feel I can't put this forward as I should and have been censoring my true feelings from people...

I've talked to hubby and he's vague and not really having any views on the subject - other than saying "it would be nice to start a family when we're ready"... I've told him I don't want any children (and have been quite forceful with it) but he's almost pushed this away saying I might change my mind....

Hi Purple Girl,

I remember going through the same thing, people telling me I would change my mind, trying to force myself to warm up to the idea of a family. And guess what? It made me realize that I really have no desire for motherhood and all. And that's okay.

If you feel strongly about not wanting kids, I'd advise you to stand your ground. I'll tell you a story that hopefully, will encourage you.

Recently, I heard from a friend that I lost touch with after she and her family moved out of state (she's married and has a four-year old). She told me that, if I really felt strongly about not having kids, that I needed to stand up for myself. She loves her daughter, but has decided not to have any more kids because of the strain of the baby/toddler stage. She admitted to me that she missed her relationship with her husband that she had before she had a kid, and that a lot of other women she had talked to either wished they had had fewer children or none at all! She said the pressure kids put on a marriage doesn't go away when they're passed the baby/toddler stage, and gets to be more so as they grow older.

Sit down and talk with your husband. Explain to him how serious this is to you and that, if he's expecting you to change your mind, he's going to be disappointed. Be upfront with people about it and, most of all, accept your true feelings. There's nothing wrong with you, and with a lifetime commitment such as raising a child, if you're not on fire and completely wanting it, don't do it!

I understand the whole thing about wanting to want to be a mother -- fear that my parents will be disappointed, losing friends to the parenthood lifestyle, fear that my husband will one day decide that he desperately wants kids and, if I'm not on board, then he's chucking me for a wife who does want kids. It's taken me a while to come to peace with it too, but I've accepted myself and realized that you can't force youself to want something like this. But fear and pressure are not good reasons to have kids. A child deserves to be wanted by both parents, not a means of saving a marriage or fitting in with society.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

Thanks so much for your reply - it's just what I need...

I feel pretty alone in my decision and it's pretty difficult going against the crowd... This forum has helped!

Hi Purple Girl,

I am your age and understand exactly where you are coming from. I work with kids (Big Brothers Big Sisters) and see also sorts of negative situations in which kids are being raised. Though my husband and I are far from well off, we have a reasonably middle class lifestyle. Financially, and likely emotionally, we have the ability to provide for a child.

Until about a year ago I was adamantly childfree--i would tell anyone who would listen that there is no way we are having kids. All of a sudden, all around me, EVERYONE seemed to get pregnant. I found myself wanting to want to be pregnant too! And the fact that I did not want to be a mom made me feel horribly depressed. And like a huge outcast. I could cry for an entire day straight. My poor husband thought I was losing it!

I have always known that I am pretty unique-but as an adult I have managed to fit in reasonably well. All of a sudden, there was this "Club" that I was unable to join. Why did I not want to join this club??

Being on this board has been a huge help! My crazy emotional period has all but subsided. I am 100% confident in my decision. Does that mean I no longer have the desire to want to join the club? Unfortunately, no. But I am who I am.

I don't see myself changing my mind. I can cross that bridge if I come to it. I would have a frank conversation with your husband. I think that you need to know that you have his support.

Thanks for that Chaco... I think it's just "that" time where it's the expecation - but like you I'm unique and don't abide by that sort of thing... It's just when it's all around you!

Hi Purple Girl -

Just be strong in your true feelings and don't cave in due to pressure you're feeling. That's the approach I'm trying to take. I find it interesting that so many people say "you'll change your mind," so knowingly, as if they know you better than you know yourself!

I always thought that maybe "one day" I'd have a kid. However, as more and more people around me are getting pregnant, and now that my DH and I have a stable life, a pretty big house (especially b/c it's just the two of us and 6 cats who don't take up much space at all), and good jobs, and we're at "that age" (I'm 29 and he's 31), I have been looking a couple of years into the future imagining having that one kid that we have talked about, and to be honest, I am no more into the idea than I have ever been in my life - getting pregnant and dealing with that whole mess, as well as raising a child for 18+ years 24/7, just does not appeal to me at all, and now that I'm in that prime childbearing period in my life, I am realizing more and more that it's not for me.

DH says he loves me for me and will be happy just being with me if that's what I want, but in the last year or so, he's said more about how he can see us being parents one day. I think sometimes he thinks I will eventually change my mind, but at this point, I just don't see it happening, and every time the topic comes up, I try to be more rigid about it and make it clear that it's just about impossible that my feelings on the topic will change. The other day, we were at a baseball game and were in the gift shop looking at team merchandise, and when we were walking by all the baby/toddler/kids' team merchandise, he pointed to them like we've done in the past, saying "Aww, aren't these cute?" and I said, "Sure," but then I followed that with "Don't you start on that topic....". He might be slowly getting the point, but I'm not sure when he'll feel the same way - I think part of it is because DH gets bored easily - he might approach the whole parenting thing as a project, like he does with all the home improvement and car stuff he does....I always tell him that it's nice to have our time to relax and play with the cats, and just watch TV. We work full-time - why not enjoy doing nothing when we can?

Anyway, I'm glad you found this forum, and I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in your situation! Don't feel like you have to have a kid because it's "what people do." Only do it if you are 100% positive that it's what you want.

Thanks LSUTiger00... I think the fact people keep telling me I'll change my mind is annoying - I'll try and remain strong...

My hubby says he'll be happy with whatever I decide (under the surface is the thought I'll change my mind). I am starting a part time degree (and I work full time) - I have more than enough going on - and I want to spend my last year actually studying at a proper university... Having a child will put off my plans for at least a decade and to be honest - I don't want to do that...

Am seriously thinking of getting steralised - just to ensure that if I get a lapse in concentration for a few weeks I can't do anything - pretty drastic I know...

It is nice to know there are other people around me who think there is more to life than children...

Hi PurpleGirl.

Stay strong and remember that if you don't honestly want a child, you cannot force that feeling. Nor should you.

Franklyk despite the title of you original post, you sound like you are, in fact, at peace with your decision. I say that because you are already living your priorities of education and career and don't want to derail them. You know what you want. And a big part of knowing what you want is knowing what you don't. I say good for you for pursuing your education and a career. They are not dirty words! You only have this one life, and you have to do what works for you. You can't be a slave to what other people think you ought to do.

I always thought I would have the urge, hear the clock ticking, whatever. I met the right guy, I will be 40 soon, but...nope.

You have been honest with your DH. Keep repeating the message. My DH used to make noises every so often about maybe wanting kids, and I went from "maybe some day" to "unlikely" to "nope". Funny thing is that we came to an understanding. I think the truth is that he felt like you do -- that it is something that he should want. But did he really, truly want it? Apparently not, or he would not still be with me. It took time and talking with my DH, but we are very happy to be just us, with our friends, family, pets, work, volunteer efforts, hobbies, and interests.

Not everyone needs to have kids. Don't let anyone shame you into thinking that you must. IMHO, part of this "must procreate" mentality is backlash against people who are doing EXACTLY what you (and I) are doing: prioritizing advanced degrees, engaging with a career, and doing/not doing what we WANT as opposed to being good little doobies and doing what society tells us to.

Hi PurpleGirl,
I'm in my late 40s and have no children.
I understand totally your situation - and sadly, it doesn't get any easier. When I was 35 many of my friends and colleagues had no desire for children and then slowly one by one they gave into the pressure, both internal and external pressure. The biological urge is strong indeed - one of the most surprising changes occurred in an old friend who had disliked babies her entire life and had no patience with children at all - she had been married for 16 years and travelled the world and was enjoying her career. What a surprise when she decided to have a baby at 44 and just as amazing, she conceived as soon as they started trying. She told her friends initially that it was an "accident" - embarrassed to admit that she had changed - but admitted to me just after the birth that she had deliberately conceived as she was fearful she would miss an important life experience and didn't want to live with regrets. I also went through the last minute panic thing but my husband's indifference about children had turned to a definite "no" - I sometimes wonder though, if he had still been indifferent - would I have caved as well? Now when I look back - I can see we made the right decision for us. I can say that I wouldn't want to go through that period again - its a horrible and unrelenting pressure. I sometimes felt it must be easier to know you want kids and go for it....
I now have a full life - I travel lots for work and play and have no regrets. I sometimes feel the stigma attached to childless women but find as the years pass I can now confidently rise above it!
Good luck with your decision making.

If your husband keeps bringing up the subject it sounds like you have a problem. I think most women start to feel the pressure to procreate anyway as they move into their mid to late 30s. I watched my friends give in one by one. I think I'd have a serious talk to your husband so you know exactly where you stand - you might change your mind, you might not - your husband might also change - to being very keen or lose interest altogether - no one can really say how they will feel over time except for a small number who just know...
I was never interested and then started to feel the pressure when I was in my late 30s - my husband however had moved from indifference to definitely not wanting them - I got through that period of doubt and now enjoy a full and happy life with that life issue forever dead and buried. (Thank goodness!)
Good luck with your decision making!