BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage how important is a good sex life to a marriage...

We enjoy it, we want it, and sometimes we are surprised that time passes without it, so...

exactly how important is a healthy sex life to a marriage and why?

Personally, when I was married, I wanted to have sex 3-4 times a week. My husband wanted it less and that was a problem for us, well me. Keep in mind that at the time I was the one working full time supporting the family. He was home doing the wifely duties.

Interesting! Sort of a role reversal. In my couples coaching I have found a great many women seem to want sex more often than their husbands.

In my opinion sex is a great glue.

I need sex everyday and so does my husband.

I totally get what you mean. I feel a healthy sex life is extrmemly important to a marriage. I think it really keeps the couple close

Yes. That's right.

Coming from a man's point of view, I beg to differ. My wife has ZERO interest in sex. Very strange becasue she is a Scorpio and they are suppose to extremely active. She has had three kids from a previous marriage and she said becasue she thought she was doing her role as a wife. But with me it is totally nothing. Sex is a very big thing to me, my mine goal is to please the woman first; she doesn't even care. I am the second man she has ever been with, according to her; and I have many, many years experience. But still nothing; candles, massages, romantic music, sending the kids away for the weekend, going on a cruise, even going to Vegas....nothing. I need my sex!

Please take this in the helpful way I mean it rather then being mean spirited. I often speak with women about their feelings about sex and I hear this alot. I have always wondered if there is not a real reason for this, like were they harmed physically by someone and intimacy becomes difficult for them, is their a psychological programming that took hold, when I was growing up, my Mother was a sexually frigid woman and she did her best to raise me that way, it worked with my sister but NOT with me. I have also wondered if something hormonal could be off with these women. Hormones drive our sexual drives, if they are out of balance this could account for a low sex drive.

First let me say that I am divorced and been on my own for 5 years now but I have to say that I couldn't remain in a relationship where my lover witheld sex from me.

When you say its a good glue, that is so true. When my lover is making love to me, he can leave the seat up on the toilet, the cap off the tooth paste, just about anything it I don't notice. But withold sex from me and I get unhappy about alot of things. Sex smoothes over the rough edges. It brings a level of intimacy to a relationship that just can't be gained any other way. Even if I met a man that had everything else I wanted but was not sexually compatible, I could not have a lasting reltionship with him.

When I was married, I used to masturbate in the shower every morning before work. I felt I needed the release. He knew about it and didn't care. I have spoken with men about it and many have said they would be embarassed if their wife felt like she had to masturbate.

I am a man and I think intimacy is very important in a marriage my body aches with unfulfilled passion and desire. my wife however does not share those feelings, no matter how much I try to gain her interest or to please her, sex to her is as work, It is as though she shuts down on me, when I try to talk to her about it, she side steps the the issue and starts a fight with me just to get off the subject, she can go months, contently without having intimacy with me I have been married 27 years I'm 50 years of age I have all my hair and teeth I don't think I am a bad looking guy, I work out regularly,I mean its not like I am a Troll or any thing, I can even be a gentlemen, sometimes I feel attracted to other women I think sometimes there attracted to me, but I once vowed for better or for worse, I will never cheat or stray, I guess the worse is all I have.

Lisa_Orlando,

The definition of a "good enough" sex life is what I am struggling with at the moment and from this post you seem like you might have some insight for me in this area.

Background--I am engaged and my guy and I have been together for a little over a year. We are very attracted to each other and personality wise, he is amazing too. However, our sex drives differ a bit (I would prefer almost every day, he's 2-3 times a week) but more importantly our preferred style of sex differs. I want to take lots of time for foreplay--kissing, caressing, etc. and while he will indulge me in these activities sometimes, I know he prefers getting down to business much more quickly. We have had some arguements about this. He says I should be willing to compromise and do it "his" way sometimes just as he does for me. Is this issue a matter of how women are wired vs. men? Is it realistic to "compromise" in this area for one another? Am I just being high matienence expecting long passionate lovemaking 90% of the time? Some advice would really be appreciated!

men are blow torches and women are like ovens slow to heat up!! If it takes you a while to heat up he should understand that you could compromise this way if he wants sex 2 or 3 times a week and you want more then somenights are for play for you and somenights are for sex for him.

it is a women wired different then men thing but if he doesnt like forplay and you need it then he will not make you a good lover he will feel put upon and like he has to do a chore or something...

some men learned that parents dont aprove of ah masterbation so they learned to quickly get there and get it over with! some carry this thought into there relationships and never get past the well I got there whats your problem? also most boys masterbater before they go to bed because they learned they are lesslikely to get caught and they fall asleep after. this set up the sex-sleep cycle most men have. for most women sex is a physical emotional mental release and they talk and babble happily away but men it is just physical then they relax and go to sleep...

I read that in a book....

Someone once said that when your sex life is good, it's 5% of the marriage. When it's bad, it's 95%.

Sex for a male should be about pleasing their partner...and of course the vice versa applies. As a male, I've found that if my focus is on pleasing my partner, sex is more enjoyable, more satisfying, and more often.

A simple rule my father mentioned once when I was younger..."the more your wife enjoys sex, the more you get it, win win"

Skeeter

Married sex is one thind that makes the "husband and wife relationship" different from all the other relationships each of you currently have...friendships, coworkers, etc. It is important!

A great sex life is the glue that bonds relationships and marriages IMO - if neither of you have interest then you have no idea what you can miss out on. And ladies just because we married them doesnt mean our job is done - you should enjoy one another in intimate ways, relax, its in your own privacy ~ adding interest to a marriage should be done often - as your marrige grows we think most often your sex life enhances. Just enjoy it - its a wonderful thing. It also releives stress :-)

Wow, Someone who is finally close to were I am. I am married 26 years and my husband is one who doesn't want sex. I too take my vows seriously but how long do I have to be unhappy? I feel dirty when I have to masterbate. But I need the release and pleasure that masterbating gives. My husband is a dieabetic and hasn't had an hard enough erection for lovemaking in 3.5 years. He even falls asleept on the couch two - four times during the week watching TV and then telling me he didn't realize he was that tired. Stupid I am not. He keeps telling me he is going to tell the doctor about HIS problem but it never happens. I try and pretend to him that all will be ok but, I want him to take care of this problem and because I am that supportive women he feels its no big deal. He knows I will never cheat on him because of our children. I have to say that I am getting closer and closer of changing my mind. Is this what I have to look forward to as we grow old? I want to me held and kissed softly and touched lovingly. HELP

FaithAnn,
Sex is a very necessary part of any relationship. Your husband is not facing the real issue here. You need to talk to him now and do not take any excuses he may use such as "we'll talk later" or "You don't understand." There is no later, there is no misunderstanding; there is now.

You need to tell him, not ask him, to go to a doctor. You need to tell him that you need and want sexual activity and caressing from him. Tell him that frankly you are getting desperate and that he needs to take the first step by going to a doctor with you there with him. His main doctor should be first followed by a trip to a urologist.

As far as masturbation, there is nothing wrong or dirty about it. It is a "use it or lose it" situation and you need the release. Only religions say it is "dirty." And only some religions and small-minded society think women "of a certain age" no longer desire sex. THAT is nonsense!

Talk to your husband tonight!

Good luck!

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Kristen,
You put the url to edit your article in the post above, you might want to change that.

I know a lot of women, who once they get older, want more sex than their husbands do. Maybe it's because we older women are not longer so focused on young children and can focus on ourselves, while older men become less interested. That's why we should marry men 10 years younger!!

For me without sex there is no marriage. (Who else can I have it with!) However, sex is not the focus of our marriage. True intimacy comes from our communication, communion and togetherness. He's my best friend, companion and always on my side. I'd rather be with him than anyone else in the world. He's the first person I think about sharing things with. It's a 2nd marriage for both of us and we have been married 9 years now. We tell people we're still on our honeymoon which lasts until the kids come. We're both near 60 so no kids are coming now so we can stay on honeymoon forever. :-)

You wife may need to get her hormones checked and see if there is a problem. I have friends that have kids and they say they are totally out of wack...not only that she may be tired! I am a scorpio and 37yrs. and my sex drive is not through the roof either...also the longer you go w/o it the more okay you become with it...so you guys need to try and figure things out. I am on the birth control pill and about to get my tubes tied b/c the pill takes a lot of my desires away as well. Woman's bodies go through so much so don't give up on her. I was however married b/f and my ex constantly wanted sex and I have to say that it got on my nerves!

Many thanks, Helen!!

I absolutely belive a healthy sex life is important to a strong/secure marriage. Generally as a rule, my husband and I always have make up sex (the best of course) any time we fight. Not to mention it's great for burning calories. We have three kids but that rarely stops us. We have our ways !

When sex started to decline in our relationship, I was in a panic. All the things it could mean worried me. I've since realized that for us, this is part of aging... sex may be less frequent, but our intimacy and tenderness has increased. We are better lovers now than ever before- and I mean that in an emotional sense than a technical one. Blood pressure meds, heart surgery, etc. do take some of the starch out of things, but where there is a will there is a way. The toughest obstacle is sometimes getting him over his feeling of failure when things don't work as well as they did. Would I like sex more often? Sure. Sometimes anyway. Meanwhile, going to sleep holding my sweetheart's hand is pretty darn nice and when things get steamy, it's a night to remember.

Would I like sex more often? Sure. Sometimes anyway. Meanwhile, going to sleep holding my sweetheart's hand is pretty darn nice and when things get steamy, it's a night to remember.

that is sooo sweet! thanks for sharing!

Trish-what a beautiful statement!

Sometimes, holding hands or just being held by the person you love and feeling his warmth is a gift too many people take for granted.

When i was with my childrens father, a look ,a touch would end up in sex nothing but sex
When i was with my girlfriend a look, a touch, would end in a hug, cuddling, hand holding and then sex if we both wanted it. and if one of us didn't want to, than a hug or cuddling would so comforting to both of us.

We watched a sad movie last night, and this whole Heath Ledger thing had me feeling so much empathy for Michelle - I just felt so lucky to have my hubby, and for some reason I just really needed to hold hands last night. That's all - but just holding hands felt so sweet and intimate in the moment. Sometimes it's those little things that are important.

I miss those little monments where you talk all night and cuddle hold hands or whatever... to me they are just as important as the sex if not more! sex to me is not as intimate as hugs kisses cuddles and just being together. it is hard for my husband to understand that i think. Sometimes life gets in the way and he thinks just because i cuddle up to him i want sex and when i dont he feels put down like he did something wrong or something and it becomes a big battle.... or i give in and he roles over and goes to sleep and i am like WTF??

I know he thinks sex=intimates, love romance but a role in the bed just dont cut it all the time.... you know? I thought when he was put on high blood pressure meds and was having trouible...that that would be great for me because then he would cuddle more with me and stuff but no. it seems like the only time to touch me is for sex. no sex no touch, cuddles,hugs, kisses no nothing!!!! It caused major problems because i was like he dont love me and he was like Im a failure... so he got those pills from the dr and we are back to square one! great.

I think after I told him that I wanted the kissing and hugs and all and when i didnt get the hugs and kisses and all I dont want sex at all that helped a lot and things are much better!!!

I'd like to add, if your guy has trouble with Viagra, then try Cialis or one of the other longer lasting drugs. With the Viagra, it was do it now or forget it. And life CAN interrupt. I've GOT to say, these drugs may have saved my marriage. I really thought he didn't love me anymore and all the time he just couldn't tell me he had a physical problem. Unfortunately, his insurance company labels the drug, even with a doctor's letter, for recreational use only. So we pay $15 a pop. WOW! Sorry didn't mean to sound like an advertisement. But that stuff is awesome.

When I was younger, in my 20's, sex was the most important thing. Now that I am older, in my 40's, it is important but if something happened to my husband and we could never have sex again, I would still love him and stay with him. I defintely love sex, who doesn't, but the intimacy is just as good. As most posts stated, holding hands, hugging, a look, doing special things for one another, WOW.

I think sex is very important. It's the one thing my S.O. indulge in that doesn't involve anyone else. We can escape from the stress of daily life and have fun in bed. We're currently going through a real dry spell, however. We've been together long enough now that we can talk about it. I've been battling weight gain and I don't feel attractive. That is the biggest libido killer for me. I want to feel sexy and feeling sexy means more sex.

I think more than sex, intimacy is a very important part of a marriage. I could get sex anytime... It's the cuddling and romance and such that steady relationship offers that I enjoy the most.

I'm not a cuddly person, really. I do like a back rub, or a hug and a kiss. But if we're watching tv, I like sitting in a chair by myself. He and I are pretty well matched that way.

Emotional and physical intimacy is very important to a marriage. In my case intimacy with my wife has occurred less than annually over the last five plus years. It has currently been at least 14 months since we were last physically intimate. So, It was 10 to 15 minutes of passion in over a year. Why is this important? Since my wife has demonstrated a near complete lack of interest in physical and emotional intimacy it makes it very difficult to care for about things that she believes are important. It is harder to listen to what she has to say and been concerned with what she is telling me. I have had many thoughts of frustation and anger at repeatedly being rejected. The lack of intimacy is damaging my ablity to care and love my wife because I feel constantly rejected and ignored romantically. Emotional and physical intimacy and romance is a vital aspect of a stable and enduring marital relationship. Without it a marrige risks becoming unhappy and falling apart.

Intimacy in a marriage is very important. Regardless of what some people want to believe, a marriage without sex is painful emotionally.

The frequency of sexual activity varies from couple to couple, but most agree that they need and want sex frequently.We are after all, sexual beings.

How long are you married and has this situation been a pattern from the very beginning? If not, what happened to change it?

Kristen,

I have been married for nearly 22 years. This situtation has developed over time. My wife was loving and intimate during our courtship and the first few years of our marriage. The current lack of intimacy has been going on for over five years. My wife and I have had sex only two or three times in the last five years that I can remember. She simply does not like to be touched in bed, she even told me so tonight. Actually, she perfers sleep and listening to audiobooks, which she does almost every night, when in bed. A couple years ago I told my sister that I believed my sex life was over. Unless I were to violate my wedding vows that is very likely to be true. I have tried to be understanding. I have been extremely patient, but I can not fill my wife with desire if she is unwilling to be affectionate. If she is unwilling to be affectionante how could she possibly be intimate? Personally, I do not believe the mythical god Adonis could arouse her passions if he were to offer himself willing to her. She just has No interest, more like aversion, to intimacy.

Kristen,

Read my posts from 1/28 to 1/30/2007 in the Marrige post of "Dilemma: Perfect marriage, sexually incompatible". There I discussed this situtation before. My posts will give you additional informaion on the situtation between us. It hasn't changed since that time.

Yes, Craig, I do remember now.

Have you thought of divorce? I do not mean that to sound harsh in any way, but, if your needs are not being met then something has to change dramatically for you or you will be unhappy and frustrated for the rest of your life with her. That is no way to live.

Unless she agrees to counseling, (but first a complete gynocological exam is in order with a sympathetic doctor), and is willing to get to the real root of the problem, I don't see any other option.

The thought of divorce has crossed my mind. However, I would not want to do it until my two oldest daughters are out of college. One of them just graduated from high school. The oldest is entering her junior year in college. Then there is a lot to consider with my youngest, she is a special needs child. I would not want to abandon her and I would have concerns about her in the sole custody of her mother. So, there would be a lot more than my needs to consider. Also, I don't like divorce. I think the wedding vows, including my own, should be upheld. I have seriously though of moving in the basement and setting up my own separate bedroom.

I would be open to counseling, but I am sure that she is. Also, I don't know how I could afford it since our income is so low.

Thank you for all your replies. I realize I am venting my need for selfish desires, but it does help to talk about. Thank you.

Did you mean she is NOT?

Also, a lot of marriage counseling is covered by mental health insurane (which is a part of medical insurance that you nevere know about until you ask). And if you don't have insurance, most counselors offer a sliding fee scale.

And this is not a "selfish desire" you are venting about - it is a normal part of marriage, so venting about ot here is much better than seeking someone else's bed.

Also, I would warn (although from the your previous responses, I don't think it is needed) - you say you would not consider divorce until you girls were out of college. If you do hang in that long, do not have an affair during that time. They will not forgive you for it. They may logically agree that sex is a normal part of marriage, but they will be hurt if you are unfaithful to their mother. It would be better to divorce cleanly than to ever have an affair.

I need sex everyday and so does my husband.

Yes, Michelle,

I meant I am Not sure she is open to counseling. That was a typo on my part. FYI: I am not considering an affair, that would be so counterproductive in everyway, shape and form. Being faithful to my vows is one of my goals in life. It is second only to being the best father I can possibly be. Although it has crossed my mind divorce is generally abhorent to me. Personally, I am uncertain that divorce is a reasonable solution for me. If I did I would be single, almost 50 and still emotionally and physically alone. Divorce I see as creating more problems for me rahter than solving problems for me.

Thank you so much for your concern and advice. It is greatly appreciated.

P.S. Emily, I am glad you and your husband are so happily active. I would be happy with having sex once a month, even once every quarter would be an improvement.

Craig,

3 things automatically come to mind -

Has she gone through menopause? You mention you have older daughters. Is she old enough to have already gone through menopause, or possible had a hysterectomy which would cause the same thing? This could easily cause a loss of interest in sex.

The other is; has she ever beemn sexually abused? Either recently (as in raped, or even just a victim of a crime by a man) or early in life? It could be that the joy of being with a man who loved her was enough to overcome her aversion of sex to begin with - but over time, (or because something reminded her of her trauma) that aversion has come back to her.

Last scenario: Is she on any anti-depressants or weight loss drugs? Both have a tendency of the side effect of sexual appetite loss.

These are just some things to think about - and maybe start down a road of thinking about WHY she has lost her sex drive AND has a negative reaction to couples counseling.

I wish you all the best.

I realise the following is simplistic advice, but I'm offering it from the point of view of someone still in the sweet early stages of marriage (coming up for 7 years), ie the stage that is probably most difficult to get back after many years together.

Perhaps you can try to re-court your wife. Do it very slowly and without any expectation of sex to start off with. I would suggest you invite her to take a walk with you in a nearby park. When you're there, say something like "I'd love to hold your hand." Just walk together hand in hand.

Because bought flowers are expensive, perhaps look for anywhere where you can pick some flowers for her.

Can you cook? Make her dinner one night and light some candles. Watch out for signs that she is becoming suspicious of your motives - if the topic of sex comes up, reassure her that you are still very attracted to her but that you only want it if she does too.

Spoil her - do one or two of the housework tasks that she always does, or do the housework together. Put some music on at the same time. (To spell out where I'm going with this one: routine household chores can become mindnumbingly boring; if sex ever gets put on that same list of chores and there is any option or excuse for dropping a "boring" chore, she'll take it. So try to reach her through the other chores. If it can be fun to do the housework with you, maybe sex can be fun again too.)

Try to find a chance everyday to tell her something that you really appreciate about her. Tell her what you first fell in love with. Tell her what attracts you now. (Don't mention sex yet.) Ask her about her interests now and make an effort to learn more about it so that you can have something new to talk about. If she has no interests, keep digging, even if you have to go back to her favourite school subjects. Then do an Internet search or find a free talk on an aspect of the subject and "study" it together.

Through all this, try to hold her hand whenever you can. Gradually move on to putting your arm around her while you walk. When you hug or kiss her, stop and look into her eyes for a few moments and smile. Tell her you love her often. Leave her little notes to find. Remind yourself of the reasons that you love her; don't make it just about those unbreakable wedding vows - remember why you made those vows. As admirable as it is, this is not something you need to get through because you are a man of your word; this is something you need to renew because you once loved this woman, and hopefully you still do, or might again with a bit of work. Prove to her that the entire marriage is worth working for, not just for the sake of your sexlife, but because you both deserve it.

elle, you have very good ideas and I appreciate your comments. I wish the solution were as simple as courting and romancing my wife. Even when we were courting over 20 years ago she never open up to me as to any romantic, not to mention erotic, fantasies or desires she had. I asked her on a few occassions and never got a reply. As far as I have ever known she has never had any such fantasies. She does not permit much opportunity to touch her or romance her. Actually, when I try to touch her she soon, if not immediately, turns away from me or pushes me back away from her. I would love to give her massages, but she will not let me massage her. Except for briefly rubbing her shoulders she rejects any attempt to massage her. She just does not like to be touched.

The problem is far more deep seated with in her and I have been given only vague notions of the issues involved. Long term counseling, if I can afford it, is the most reasonable solution.

It does sound more deep seated than simple loss of interest. As Michelle as mentioned, it seems to me that the aversion to being touched could be related to abuse or neglect at some other point in her life (even as far back as birth and early infancy). Why I suggested starting with holding hands is because it is innocent and non-threatening - most people can tolerate being touched on the hand or arm even if they don't like being touched. So it might be a gradual way of re-establishing some contact.

I definitely think counselling is the way to go, as this is probably too deep for the two of you to try and work out on your own. It sounds like it is going to take some time, so this is why it would be a good idea to get your own mind into a state where you understand and appreciate why it is worth it to you and how much effort you're willing to put into it (your wife's counselling/your marriage). If you can keep yourself focused on the end goal of having a healthy, happy wife (rather than focusing on the negative of not having a sex life) you might find it easier to stay steady through the process ahead.

I'm wishing you both the best. I hope you can find some way to help her without it causing financial strain.

Craig-I feel that there is a lot more information than is being said in your posts. There is a deep-rooted problem and if it has been going on for over five years, something has got to be done.

Do you know nothing at all about your wife's childhood, teen years, abuse if any? Is there illness, mental or physical, that hasn't been addressed? Was she raised in a very strict, religious family that taught her that sex was evil? When you were dating, what was her family like? Come on Craig, there are answers to these questions here somewhere!

You mentioned "not wanting to leave your special needs child in her mother's sole custody." Why? Are you afraid she will somehow harm the child?

Divorce is only an option and a last resort at that. But listen, Craig, fifty is not old at all. You are sacrificing your life for your children and you are truly not living. Children grow up and have lives of their own. Your life is too precious to waste. Are you really willing to go through the REST of your life miserable? No marriage vow is worth that.

Get your wife to a doctor as soon as possible. Unless you want to be miserable, it is the only thing you can do. Force the issue.
We were put here to be happy.