BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Everyone around me is having kids!

These are so fun! And I had to laugh out loud at this one --

"My shower was interrupted by the boyfriend - self serving, I know"

I love this AngelaP...these are great!

Hi Chaco:

I am having the same feelings this week. One of the pregnant ladies came in, and my boss admitted after she left that he regrets never having children. Then he tells me that I will regret it when I am his age - late fifties. That set me off into an angry depression.
This past weekend, I read an article on Halle Berry's pregancy, and she stated that the most important thing a women can do is be a mother. There was also an article on Eva Longoria, who said that children are going to be in her near future, and used the same statement.
My cousins just had babies and another is due this week. I have a cousin who can't have a baby since she is recovering from breast cancer. Some of the family is looking at me as if I am wasting healthy eggs & uterus, that I should take advantage of my ability to have a child.
I took my mom to get an X-ray, and the receptionist had her great-grandson's picture posting - she is a great-grandma at 60; my mom said she is 67 and not even a grandmother....

It hurts.

I can't believe an award winning actress thinks the most important thing she can do is be a mother. She's around incredible talent every day, and she can't see how there are lots of fulfilling things for people to do with their lives that don't involve children? I guess even award winning actresses aren't immune to the culture, though. And besides, if Eva or Halle decide they don't like parenting, they can always pawn their kids off on a nanny, or put them in an expensive boarding school. They don't run the same risks as average people, wondering what they will do if their spouse is the breadwinner and he passes away, leaves, etc. And I'm sure if they had a child with special needs, they wouldn't have the same experience as a middle class couple. They could get their kid into a program, school or home.

I'm sorry your Mom made that comment. I've been thinking about comparisons a lot lately, and competition. It seems like we never have the full picture about someone else's life. Yes, they might have a grandson, new car, house at the beach, etc. But it's useless to compare ourselves to other people because people want different things, have different priorities etc. I hope your Mom realizes that she has a lot in you, and that grandkids are a mixed bag. They can be a blast, and also a pain in the @ss.

BillieCat and others:

Everyone knows that I am steadfastly CF around here, and that I know that I don't want my own kids for my own sanity's sake.

I feel the guilt, too.

It is the unspoken topic when I talk to my parents.

It is the unspoken knowledge that I am the only child-free married adult at my work place's department.

I officially hit 40 (Well, I did back at the beginning of August) but my birthday celebration at my parent's house was a few days ago.

I feel it in the air, I feel it in the water -- it is everywhere.

Society's programming has done it's work on me.

I won't give in. I can't give in. I know I will just screw a lot of people's lives if I were to give in, including an innocent person's.

Sometimes being right for yourself hurts, but it is best for everyone involved.

Personally, I think it's very dangerous to play the regrets game. Without the ability to live through the myriad of avenues open to us, who is to say that our choices are not the best we could have made? Your boss may regret his decision, but there is no guarantee that, had he had children, he would not be regretting that particular choice. It's easy to wish you had done something differently if the only picture of that alternative is a hypothetical, idealised one - but reality is more complicated and impossible to predict. In the absence of a crystal ball, trusting one's instincts seems the safest option.

On the subject of Halle Berry et al extolling motherhood above all else: how sad that modern women, with our historically unprecedented emancipation, are apparently still little more than walking uteri. Grrr....the whole thing makes me quite angry.

The other thing is, Hollywood isn't really known for it's depth. I know there are some celebrities, like Robert Redford and Paul Newman, that are socially active and seem like decent people. But I'm sure a lot of actors/actresses follow the script just like everyone else. I don't think they are sitting around pondering women's rights, gender roles etc. in any great depth. Just b/c they have kids doesn't mean they are good parents. Look at Britney Spears. And some of the kids that have two celeb parents - you have to wonder if they are little more than status symbols. "This is my child from my marriage to Bruce Willis, darling."

As far as regret goes - this is guy is really presumptuous to tell you what you will or won't regret. I had someone tell me that years ago when I proclaimed that I wasn't having kids. I was in my late 20s, and my coworker was in his 50s maybe. He said it's something that is really meaningful to women, and I will regret it. He didn't know me well at all, and he didn't know what he was talking about. I know myself, and I know I won't regret it. I have my sappy moments, and kids can be great at times, but I just can't do it full time. Period. And I don't have a right to regret something that I consciously chose not to pursue.

To: Happytobechildfree, Duane, & Manatee:

You all said everything that really needed to be said. And about Halle's statement - I have heard that before from women but I never heard a man say that the most important thing a man can do in his life is to father a child. It would be nice to have more childfree women role models.

And, thank you Duane for sharing those feelings. That guilt and isolation can be tough - and it does get to me some days. As you said, all that really matters is that you stick to your own opinions and don't cave in.
It is very brave to be childfree, and I think it is the best for me - I have to be more thick-skinned and not let this guilt get to me, or have comments make me feel less of a woman.

That's the kicker. That's because men have lives before and after they have kids. It's a little insulting that women are simplified in this way. That people think our needs are this simple, and that having kids is all we need for fulfillment. Yes, nurturing someone can be meaningful, but learning a craft, profession or skill can be just as meaningful. I'm annoyed that people constantly assume we are all the same. We need intellectual stimulation, too, and childrearing can be such a mindnumbing drag. Why should we get stuck with all the thankless, [censored] work? What about being a woman says that we don't like to achieve and be recognized, too?

There's this really great song by Harry Chapin that talks about the differences between the way women and men are raised. I'm pasting the lyrics in, because I think they relate to what we are talking about...

Why Do Little Girls? by Harry Chapin

Why did the little girls grow crooked
While the little boys grow tall
The boys were taught to tumble
The girls told not to fall
The girls answered the telephone
The boys answered the call
That's why little girls grew crooked
While the little boys grew tall

Why did the little girls grow crippled
While the little boys grow strong
The boys allowed to come of age
The girls just came along
The girls were told sing harmonies
The boys could all sing songs
That's why little girls grew crippled
While little boys grew strong

Why did the little girls come broken
While the little boys came whole
The little boys were set aflame
The girls told to fan the coals
The boys all told to be themselves
While the girls were told play the roles
That's why little girls came broken
While little boys came whole

Why were the little girls all frightened
To be just what they are
The boys were told to ask themselves
How high how far
The girls were told to reach the shelves
While the boys were reaching stars
That's why little girls were frightened
To be just what they are

And still they bled for us all
As the moon rode the sky
They carried our seed
When our need ran high
They fed all our children
In the night as they cried
Womankind wept
As mankind died

Why were the little girls left hurtin'
When all the boys were done
And the girls left in the moonlight
When the boys went to meet the sun
And when the girls were open
Why had the little all won?
That's why little girls were hurtin'
When the little boys were done

Why did the little girls grow crooked
While the little boys grew tall
It's maybe because the little boys
Didn't ever have to grow up at all

Incredible insight you have, Manatee:

Maybe, Billie, the man who told you that you'd regret not having children doesn't have much of a life. Maybe he's bored. Maybe he hasn't explored his own abilities to expand his horizons into a craft, a sport, continued education or traveling the world.

I'm quite certain there will be moments in my later life (it must be later, because it sure hasn't happened yet, and I'm 36) when I momentarily lapse into some form of regret for not having a child or children. I could more easily see that happening if by some stroke I fall into some kind of funk where I lose all my friendships, become disenchanted with travel, stop doing for others, break both my legs or lose interest in maintaining an active, healthy lifestyle, etc. But all it will take to lose the regret is thinking for one second about a screaming child, a dropout, how expensive and needy they are, and how much of myself I would have had to sacrifice to raise them well. Then *BAM* back to no regrets.