BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids What if We Paid Little Attention?

I think it's really mean to force people to hold a baby who don't want to!
I don't mind it (except if they then start to cry, I get really paranoid the baby hates me etc!!) but my ex used to!
He is even more childfree than me!
Someone, I think his stepmum? wanted him to hold a baby of theirs and he said to me when the baby started drooling "I feel physically sick!"
(I persuaded him to have a vasectomy, by the way, for his OWN sake cos he SO wasn't into the kid thing! And he was in his 30s so you know, I think he'd KNOW by then!)
Anyway, not nice to get someone to hold a baby when they can't STAND babies!

I've never held a baby before and I plan to keep it that way.

I think most babies are ugly. I don't think they're cute. Occasionally I'll see a picture of a baby that is a little different from the rest and admit that they are kindof cute. But it doesn't make me want one nor does it make me even want to hold them or spend time with them.

People send me baby pictures and I toss them into the box with the rest of the photos I have that I don't display. I'm not a fan of pictures of people. I have a few up of family members to help DH and I feel their presence in our lives. However, I'd rather be surrounded with more pictures of places and things that I find beauty in. I'd rather remember and think about people for who they are and not what they look like.

Interesting question. If the parents are good friends, I am geunuinely happy for them and it is not hard to say kind and complimentary things. I also get to know my friends' kids and interact with them, so I genuinely care about them. That's pretty easy.

But for acquaintances and colleagues, when I am shown/told about baby/pictures of baby/stories about baby. I am a horrible actress, so I just smile and try to find something nice to say. Usually "sweet" or "cute" work, even if I don't find that particular baby particularly appealing. I look at it as social grease. I remember coworkers and many other people (like my landlords, coworkers and my doctor)being extraordinarily kind to me around major life events, both good and bad. So I try to do the same for others.

That said, I don't hold babies if I don't want to. I make some excuse about a scratchy throat or not wanting to stress out the poor baby. I also will gently change the subject or have to get going for an errand/appointment after a while if the child worship is going on for too long and I have nothing more to contribute and can't listen or relate any more just then.

I am ashamed to admit that if this were to be said in my group of friends, it would cause an immediate response of, "Oh, maybe YOU'RE pregnant! It's very common to get a cold in the beginning...!"

I often think about why we have to feign so much interest in babies, etc., if we're not really feeling it....

I have some friends and family that always seem genuinely interested in what DH & I are up to, whether it's questions about home improvement stuff, our jobs, or our kitties, and that makes me feel wonderful in such a kid-centric world where our lives are viewed as mundane or empty by so many of the people who have had kids or will have kids. However, I tend to agree with Selkie in that if the kids or kids in pictures are those of friends and family that you have good relationships with, it is very easy to at least show a little interest in them - as far as colleauges and acquaintances, I am usually very polite about it, but not overly enthusiastic.

I recently had to give my congrats to my sister-in-law and her daughter, our niece, on the birth of her latest child (she is barely in her 20s and has already had 3 kids, and she lives with her boyfriend, who has 2 of his own kids from his marriage that didn't last - I always say that we shouldn't have any of our own b/c that branch of the family is reproducing at such a quick rate) - I mean, if it's what makes her happy, great, but it's hard for me to be that excited about that many kids to such a young couple in such a [censored] financial situation....it just doesn't seem very responsible to me. History appears to be repeating itself in that part of DH's family.

I will soon have to offer congrats/attend baby showers/buy gifts for a friend and two cousins that are all due around late November-early December. I can do that, but I am just hoping to avoid the bingoes that will inevitibly come with such situations. It's probably not too likely that I will avoid getting asked those questions at least once or twice....though they won't be coming from my own mom, thankfully.

I'm one of those that actually enjoys holding babies. It's the one stage of childhood I love.

But the awkward part for me is when they start crying which seems to happen a lot. It usually seems to be about them not wanting to be handed around to different people they don't know very well. I can understand that.

So when the baby starts crying, I never know what to do. I don't have a "knack" for making them stop, and the mothers always give me that knowing look like "of course YOU have no idea what to do, since you're not a mother," and I hand the baby back to them, and they jostle it around and make it stop right away. Or, they try and hold out in hopes I'll figure it out, with a pained expression on their face while I muddle around foolishly.

What also sometimes happens is someone else who is a mother (not to the baby in question) takes it and succeeds in consoling it with a few experienced moves. Then everyone shakes their head knowingly, and maybe I'm projecting this, but I feel like it was expected for the iceberg non-mother to be incapable of consoling a crying baby, and a warm, nurturing mommy was needed to step in and save the day.

I guess I always kind of hoped one day I'd be the person who knew how to make the baby stop crying, or be able to whip out a boob and solve the problem, and by choosing not to have children I'll never get that.

It's not really a big deal, and is certainly no reason to jump on the baby bandwagon, just a lingering feeling I get in that situation.

Oh, frieda, I always like to hold babies, too. I can completely understand that. They smell so good, (well, usually... at least right after a bath!) and they are so cute and cuddly.

I actually have kids who are grown and now I get to SOMETIMES hold my grandson (they live about 6 hours away). Whenever I hold a baby NOW, I don't feel a bit bad HANDING THE BABY RIGHT BACK TO THE PARENT when the baby starts to cry. Heck, I don't feel like or want to mess with a baby who is fussing. The parent usually knows how to deal with it much better than me and I don't care to get all hot, sweaty and nervous trying to calm it down.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone when you feel uncomfortable when a baby starts to fuss. Even women with grown kids feel that way! Just don't feel bad about handing the crying babe back to the owner. Some babies just don't do well with anyone BUT their parents. You don't need to feel bad or think they they look at you as an "iceberg" woman without kids. Your response to a crying baby is no different than the rest of us!

Take care of yourself and it is okay to dream about how you would take care of the problem, if they were yours. I am sure that you would do it very naturally and without any problems!

Trish

Thanks Trish. It's nice to know that.

I was just thinking about what I wrote and that it is kind of a benefit to be able to hand the baby back. I've always been petrified of having a baby because I know...I'd be the one stuck having to deal with it, and if I didn't naturally catch on very fast, then I'd be in for a tough time.

Hi everyone, I am new to this site but have found the discussions very informative and refreshing. I am a guy, and I have been soul searching on whether kids are right for me or not. I just don't feel it. Anyways, a lot of what everyone is saying rings true for me. And it's nice to know I am not alone...regardless of gender.

I LOVE 18 month old babies (although is that more toddlers, tots?)
I have a funny story about my nephew - variation on the holding thing. My husband was cuddling him and then out of the blue the nephew headbutted my husband!!! HARD!
And then he reached his arms out for another cuddle!
HA!
Another time we were in a small supermarket, two kids were running round and one stepped on hubby's foot and hurt it!
I really do think it's a sign, DON'T GO THERE MAN you'll only find PAIN!!
Ha ha!
ANYWAY I find it hard sometimes to get excited about babies - it depends on the baby of course.
I am one who prefers the 18 month - 4 year old stage inclusive to the teenager stage ANY day!
(I am one of these, likes kids even works with kids, just does NOT NOT NOT want to be a parent!! I put THAT - parenthood - in the too hard, not interested in that for me, not right for me - basket)
Younger than that, not so keen though.
An ex colleague S asked me to open the door for her hubby when he came to work - to look out for him. When he did he asked if a different colleague J was there and he had the baby.
My immediate response was to say "Hi! Just a minute" and run off to get the colleague J he'd asked for.
I didn't gush over the baby for one minute, I just did NOT feel any urge to! (I don't think the baby is very cute even though the parents are quite good looking which doesn't help!)
Anyway, the colleague S (the baby's mum) arrived and she looked at me, not upset just shrewdly, perceptively, smiling, but slightly puzzled but it was a look that told me EVERYTHING!
I felt like she was thinking "You really DON'T want kids DO you. You're really NOT INTO babies are you."
It was like she FINALLY got it and was OK about it to!
(She told me it's very hard, you can't put them back in there and it changes EVERYTHING.)
Another
time I was given a Christmas card by someone I see as part of an interest group.
I DO really like this person, she's very nice and so on.
But I was surprised to be given a picture of her grandchildren as an Xmas card (by email, that apparently she gave to everyone) and my first thought was "And she thinks I'd be interested in this BECAUSE???!!")
I mean, sure nice to be thought of at all! But I think it if was going to be a photo i would have preferred a photo of her or of something to do with our shared interest!
I don't even KNOW her grandkids, never met them etc.
My colleague often whips out grandkid photos and I say nice things but I do find it a bit odd. I mean I don't even show people my travel photos! And I have about 10 albums!! If they asked me I would but you see I don't even ASK to look at baby photos!
(Although I love that she NEVER "bingos" me and doesn't invite me to kiddie things she does!)
And I too, like Terrence, Just don't feel it!