BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids What if We Paid Little Attention?

We in this forum have written much about those "Kodak moments," and I think we have an understanding that many breeders bear children based on those moments alone.

I don't know about you, but even still in their Kodak moments, there seems to be this "right" way of responding when shown new baby pictures -- we are to drool, coo and fall apart with devotion for mother and new baby.

What if we didn't?

I'm not advocating sticking your finger down your throat at the thought of having that lifelong burden in your own life, but what if we didn't follow the crowd that is expected to prostrate themselves at the sight of an ultrasound, then newborn pics?

As women, we still give the expected crooning at the engagement ring when one of our friends gets asked (no matter how out of our own taste it reaches), but the announcement itself needs no pictures or anticipatory droning.

When in crowd of a new breeder, and especially in the company of other breeders, I'm ALWAYS selected and nearly tarred and feathered if I look at the pictures and just say, "Cute!" and walk away for more punch.

Again, the classic condescending Bingo -- "You just don't understand until you have your own," followed by "You're not too old; maybe when the right one comes along..."

For God's sake, I'm so happy with my boyfriend. We enjoy our freedom so much, we don't want kids to screw up that freedom or our relationship, and can't you just back off?

Next time I'll bring pictures of my uncle's next deer shoot, complete with shots of cutting and cooking. "Don't you want some? Do you have a deer shooting license? Why not?!? You'd be so GOOD at it! Just wait...with the right partner, you'll want to do it too."

I hate the line about, "oh, when you find the right man...." That to me is saying, "If your husband was the right one you would WANT a child".

Wanting a baby has NOTHING to do with my husband. Or any other man. I just don't want one!!!

Unfortunately, with my family, I am still the "bad" girl that "needs" to be reformed. At my brother's wedding, the girls had no idea what to do with me. Here I was at a wedding, wearing no makeup...and no silly hairdo.

Well they brought me to the stupid salon (my mother was the ringleader). When I did not show enthusiasm I was told it was their day and I had to wear makeup and do the silly hair thing.

So now it is baby time...if I don't do what everyone else does, gushing and ooohing and all that, I will be "ruining" their day AGAIN.

Unfortunately, it is not at all natural for me.

I don't get the ring thing either. I have no knowledge of diamonds. I usually look and go...oh, that is pretty. Last time, someone said "oh! it is hearts on fire..." I had to ask what that was. Since I dont wear a ring, people tend to not show me. I think they realize I have no clue

I hate all this stuff too. I am not gaga over rings or babies. I can, however, appreciate babies and children as fascinating little people (like I would appreciate a puppy or kitten) and can enjoy looking at a photo of one in that sense. But only in that sense - I cannot use the word "cute"; I can't stand it. I have this real thing about responding to ANYTHING where there is an expected response. I consistently do exactly the opposite.

I particularly hate the "girlie" stuff. Since I got engaged and married people have been always asking "to see the ring" and I am sure they are disappointed when they see that it is simple and understated (I was 40 when I got engaged, for goodness sake and it was a second-time wedding for both of us).

A few weeks ago I was at a meeting with one of our organisation's sponsors. In the room were 3 women who worked for the sponsor, me, and my assistant J. J has never married or had children (aged 37), one of the main reasons being that she was repeatedly raped by a family friend over a period of years as a child and she's never been able to trust men since. This sort of terrible stuff happens to people. Sponsor Woman 1 told us that Sponsor Woman 2 had gotten engaged and had a gorgeous ring. So then there was an awkward silence until I said (between gritted teeth) "are we able to see the ring then?" I tried to say "lovely" without gooing, but then Sponsor Woman 1 started going on about the third woman who has had a baby. She begins telling cute stories about the baby. Finally Sponsor Woman 1 started going on about me getting married and what a significant year it had been for everyone. I could feel my assistant J beside me deflating and feeling like an outcast because she wasn't engaged, married or a mother. Why don't people THINK.

Anyway, suffice to say that I never respond in the way I am expected to over baby photos. I just refuse! I will always say something different like "He has very blue eyes" or "What's that he's holding in the photo?". "You must be very happy" is a good one. Makes me sound nice without being too interested in the photo.

One of my colleagues has the wall beside her desk plastered with baby photos. Every time a friend, family member, ex-colleague or work contact emails her a pic, she prints it out on A4 (US letter) sized paper and sticks it on the wall. Honestly.

I see what you're saying, Angela. I don't mind looking at one or two baby pictures and just saying a quick, "Aww, they're cute!" and then dropping it. My problem is in parents at work who want to tell me EVERY little thing their little ones have accomplished. I think they assume that since I was a nanny once I really am incredibly interested in all kids - which I'm not.

I have more of an issue with being pressured to hold people's new babies. I don't mind it for about 5 minutes, but if they're crying, puking or make me really hot, I hand them back and then I've had my "fix" for a while.

I hate it when people purposefully pull you aside out of the crowd to hold a baby or show you pics. It's like they're just waiting for the expected response. And sometimes that's why it feels GREAT to rebel and do the opposite! "Oh, no thanks - really. I actually don't want to hold her/him. I can get a good look from here." Someone inevitably ends up saying, "It's good practice for you." and I just want to say "Practice for...what exactly??"

The baby pictures, especially when the kids are really small, are really boring. They all look exactly alike. I wrote in another post that I just found a baby picture recently, and I don't know whose baby it is. Too funny!

We just had our engagement photos taken, and we incorporated them into our wedding invitations, since we are only inviting like 30 people to our cruise wedding. It's kind of similar, but not really, in my mind. Because we are distinct human beings that people know, as opposed to babies that don't have personalities or characteristics much yet.

I don't mind looking at rings as much, because it's interesting to see what ring someone chose. But I understand what FeeBeeGeeBee was saying about her coworker. There are reasons why some people don't get married or have children. Period. And they are personal, and people should understand that everyone has their own path to walk in life. And not act like it's the only defining moment in someone's life.

This is one of the reasons I didn't want a traditional wedding reception. My younger sister is still single, and I am sensitive to how single women are treated at traditional weddings. And it really pisses me off. The assumption that every single woman wants to be married, when they all try to catch the bouquet. Please. It's a couples event, and I have people in my life that are important and wonderful, and uncoupled. I don't want them to feel left out. Because we are getting married on a cruise, my uncle's wife and aunt's husband can't make it. So there will be a good mix and we will avoid that annoying dynamic that seem to dominate so many weddings. Gag.

I don't get overly excited about people having babies. I think most women's lives are over when they get pregnant, and I can't fake enthusiasm for that. I just see through it.

I agree with Chaco that having kids have nothing to do with the right man coming along. I can think of a million other things I would rather do with my DH2B than have a baby. I know some people feel the need to have a physical embodiment of their love for each other, but I'm going to pass. Ironically, most of the people I know that have kids aren't that into their partners, as far as being affectionate or having a deep bond. So weird.

If those people pressuring you, literally pushing you into a corner to hold the new baby are your own PARENTS, Grrrrrrrrrrrr...... Happened to me a few years ago with the arrival of my sister's third. I was asked, do I want to hold him? I said "No." They said "Go ahead..it won't hurt." I said "NO." They said " DO IT." I did -- for about 5 seconds. I looked down at this baby (being told how to hold his head up, etc) and I thought "if I have to put up with this $@#$!@ anymore, I'm gonna do something bad." If pushed a little bit more, I would have said "Give that baby to me and I'll drop it!!!!" I handed him back, not impressed at all.

I got to that point about a month or two after that time, where I did say something in anger to my parents around the table (who were the only ones who heard it). BTW, it takes a LOT to get me angry...it really, really does! With the two kids running and screaming like banshees, non-stop for over an hour (being ignored by my parents and my sister and her husband, because they are immune by fact that they are parents), I tried to hold back but ended up saying that I would do "something BAD" to those two running and screaming young boys if they did not STOP their running and screaming.

Since that day, no more talk or insinuations about me having or liking or holding kids at all. My stance is PERFECTLY clear now.

I only visit my parents once or twice a year now. The boys are usually not there. I don't go over there more often BECAUSE of that experience. BTW, my parents live only about 10 miles away from me. If the boys are there (and before this incident above, it seemed like the purpose behind me/us being over there was for me to get "used to kids being around"), it is timed so that we leave about an hour or so after being there, for our sanity.

I'm sorry, but the topic of "holding newborn babies at the point of a gun" brings up that memory.

Looking back over the years, I can see where they have been openly saying "It's ok not to bring such a kid into the world now" but their actions were saying another thing.

Sorry

I can't understand how they never seem to hear their own kids. We were out to eat over the weekend with some friends and one of their boys was literally SCREAMING at the people behind the Fazoli's counter "Give me my food!!!" while his parents were chatting away with another couple in line, both couples completely oblivious. The kids behind the counter were looking around like - do something! So I had to tell him to quiet down myself and still his parents didn't even notice that. If they are so oblivious to noise because it's that loud in their house 24/7, NO THANKS!!! to having any kiddos.

Those Kodak moments can be great, but there is a lot of [censored] that happens in between.

My sister's first child was perfect. No spitting up, no crying, nothing. He was always happy and smiley.

Her second son has done nothing but cry from the minute he was born. Shrill, piercing screams. Spitting everything up. And I've never seen a baby have such a constant frown on his face. Granted, he's only 6 weeks, but the other nephew was always relaxed, just watching what was going on around him.

It seems already like this new baby is going to be a problem. I don't think there has been a Kodak moment with him yet. She's put the other kid back in part-time daycare so that she can deal with the newborn.

Although, he does seem to like me, and my sister and BIL have commented on it several times. He stops screaming when I hold him. Great. Also, he looks like he could be MY child. He looks exactly like me in my baby pictures, even my husband says it's uncanny.

My sister and I were out shopping the other day and people thought he was MINE. I was like, NO! I'm the AUNT!

I get that all the time with my nephew. We both have red hair, so people assume he's mine.

I've heard that saying "I think I feel a cold coming on, I'd better not hold your baby" works like a charm....

Cindy