BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Adult Step children - HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

What do you do when your adult step children walk all over their father � the stepdaughter moves out of the mothers house one month before her 18th birthday she has two roommates and she gets $700.00 a month from her dad. Prior to all of this happening she didn�t talk to her father for over a year and now all of a sudden (because she needs money) she saw the light and she realizes what her mother was up to? She totally disrespects her father and it is causing a huge problem in our relationship � not to mention my 20 (will be 21) year old stepson has moved in with us (since March) and in the three months he has been with us has lost two jobs. I remember when I met him he worked at Old navy � he wasn�t working much because he said they �cut his hours back� � Gets a part time job at auto zone finishes school tries community college and drops out � gives up his auto zone job to work at the local gas station , loses his car insurance twice (which I convinced husband we should pay) third time he lost it I told husband no more paying it � (good for me huh?) Stepson offered a job at a Volkswagen dealership in the parts department making deliveries � working forty hours a week � not a bad job, took the job � then buys (actually leased a brand new Jetta) realizes that he cant afford this so downgrades to a hatchback rabbit ($400 Mthly payments) � all of a sudden his hours are cut back has not made payments on car for a few months tells us he is & loses his car insurance then gives his car back to the bank and buys a car for $350.00 � one month later still can�t afford insurance. One week after moving in with us he tells us they cut his hours back dealership (keeping count?) and he is looking for another job � Two weeks later he is not working four weeks later he gets his other job back at auto zone � all right back to work! He works for about a month and a half and guess what next? You guessed it if you guessed �they cut my hours back� � he got fired. (Number three for the excuse my hours got cut). So he lives with us doesn�t pay room or board because he is supposed to be saving for college (yeah he says he wants to go back) but has all this money to spend on fishing gear, stays out all night and sleeps all day � has not one red cent to show that he has saved � when hubby asks about his finances he gets all defensive � I cannot talk to hubby about this anymore because it is causing a riff in our marriage � I love hubby but I can�t stand his children using him. I am not the only one who see�s it.

The daughter - she is supposed to start college in the fall � was supposed to go full time � all of a sudden at the graduation party we had for her and my son (the only reason she came was to get the cards � she was a [censored] after that) says she is starting her college in January � but daddy is still going to give her money to live � she goes to boston every weekend � I ask hubby how she can afford it and he tells me her friends are paying for it � hello!!!! Wake up and see the picture � he is very na�ve. He doesn�t ask for any rent receipts or bills to prove she is paying the rent she is paying � I get scolded if I don�t produce receipts! I am angry and I can�t live like this anymore any advice?

I have 6 children, they are not perfect but they do not use me the way his children use him. We have problems with respecting people with a couple of the kids but all in all, they are good. Three boys live with their dad and I see them 2 days a week and every other weekend and three girls live with me. My children visit me and talk to me, and when they want something and I know I can�t afford it I tell them no. I got mad one time because my oldest son needed � the money for the college admissions � hubby and I told him we would get it to him by the end of the month (his father was paying the other half) � when it came time to give him the money hubby said he can wait til next month � I got [censored] and said stepdaughter doesn�t wait and neither will oldest son of mine. Come to find out oldest son wasn�t going to be late on his college admissions because he took the money out of his checking account and paid for it himself so he could get it to the school by the deadline

I scold my kids when they need it and so will hubby � he helps out great with the little ones. But when it comes to his own kids it is different, one time not too long ago, stepdaughter called up screaming at her father because her father over reacted about something � and he took it saying �I am sorry it won�t happen again� she got [censored] at him for not showing up somewhere and told him if he would have had his cell phone on him that this would never had happened ( I had the phone) � she just couldn�t understand why I had the phone and I shouldn�t of had it. HELP � I REALLY NEED ADVICE! I have ordered the book Emotional Blackmail and am going to give it to hubby � I hope he reads it! We are going to counseling also for step family issues.

As a step-daughter, my first question is have you been with your husband long? Through most of her childhood or just recently?

For instance, my dad married my "newest" stepmom when I was 13. She was angry and offended at my relationship with him. She felt I should be closer, I should respect him more, I should want to come and visit more often, and on and on. The thing is, my parents divorced when I was 18 months old and I spend my whole life on "visitations". She came into the picture when I was 13 and made sweeping pronouncements about how I should react to him. She had no basis for those pronouncements because she doesn't know and can't understand the hell it was for me all those years doing the "visiting dad and back to moms" routine, especially since he didn't seem to especially care.

For instance, one year when I was 10 my dad forgot my birthday. For him, it was "oh I'm sorry honey, I was busy" for me it was "you didn't even bother to call, you didnt bother to send a card, is that how much I mean to you?" I have never really gotten over it. For me, it has always been a reflection of how little he really cared for me. My step mom told me over and over that "your father is a busy man, he can't be expected to remember every little date" come on, his daughters birthday isnt the same thing as a track meet.

I say this because hearing how your stepdaughter is to her father just fills me with sympathy for all the things she probably had to deal with before you were in the picture. Not to excuse her behavior, but at this point she likely feels entitled. At 18 I chose to end my relationship with my father in every meaningful way; it sounds to me like your stepdaughter is trying to communicate her distress at things that happened and your husband feels guilt for it and is trying to make up for it.

The hardest part about blending families together is that you can't. Not really. Especially when their older. These things have to be laid down before the marriage, "when my kids need ... we will do..." and discussing discipline and parental duties of the stepparent. A 2 year old may call a stepparent "mom" or "dad" but a 15 year old isnt going to and will be resentful of your presence at all. I was 9 when my mom started dating my stepdad, 14 when she married him, and it wasnt until I was in my 20s that I really started to respect him. I just didn't really think he would stick around. NOW he is my real dad, the one who matters...but then? I didn't make life easy on him and the fact that he stood by me even then makes me love him all the more.

Dez

Thank you for responding - my husband left the house when she was a teenager - she was having issues before this from what I understand, plus the mom didn't help any with the brainwashing and "buying the love" type thing.

She is 18 now, she wants to be grown up but she wants everyone to bow down to her. She only calls her dad when the check is due - no other time. She is selfish - sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear - she needs to live in the real world, and start taking on responsibility.

I am sorry to hear the problems you had.

My husband and I have been living together 2 years and married one - I did not expect a relationship to form overnight, but then again I did not expect the children to be so self centered and selfish.

[quote=Monique Manna]She is selfish - sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear - she needs to live in the real world, and start taking on responsibility.[quote]

It's not a matter of what I "Wanted to hear" or not, she isn't my daughter and I'm not emotionally invested in the situation. On a forum like this, we have little information about a situation and have to interpret that using the knowledge and experiences that we have. I tried to do my best, and sometimes seeing the situation through the eyes of the child is the hardest thing to do.

I will tell you this, with the more that you added: you said she was a teenager when her father left her mother. In some ways, this makes it all the harder. It means she spent her childhood with a fairytale notion of what a family is, she probably told her friends how perfect her home was (even if there was fighting she would have, because thats what kids do, they minimize in order to make their families seem happier), and when her dad moved out she was probably thrown for a complete loop. It upended her entire world view, it changed her whole status of family, it made her question herself, her own worth, and likely what was wrong with her that he left.

What her mother said or didn't say, and what happened in their marriage before he left wasn't you decision because it was how he and his ex chose to raise their families. It isn't right to blame the mother for the whole situation because things don't work that way. If she was spoiled, it was a mutual decision...even if by virtue of him not stopping it.

Given these things, my impression of the relationship between your stepdaughter and husband is one of misunderstanding, suppressed anger, and trying to make up and make it better. She is holding anger at his leaving, and what she is doing is very likely punishing him for leaving her and breaking up "her" family. And by his reation, I would even suggest he knows it and feels immense guilt for it. Not guilt that he left, but rather guilt that his children couldn't have the family they started, do you understand what I mean?

As hard as it is to do, you will probably do best to step back and let them resolve the situation. It is something between them that you can't change, and will likely only upset your husband by challenging him.

And remember, even at 18 she is still a child. She may be a legal adult, but that means nothing. A person doesn't become an adult in thinking until they hit about 23, it's when we do a bit of a mental shift and suddenly our parents aren't so stupid anymore.

Good luck

Dez

Thank you for your input, and if I offended you in anyway I am truly sorry.

Theres a lot of things I don't get being a step mom I guess.

Just want to add one more thing to my dilemma: My husband and I after agreeing on not to help his son out any more financially, my husband decided to go behind my back and insure his son's uninsured car - once again. This is not showing the adult stepson how to be responsible. He stays with us rent free, and has lost two jobs in three months. He told my husband apparently that he would pay him the money - this is just an ongoing thing, see he has no money and this is just another one of my stepsons promises to be broken, $324 is due in two weeks, he has no money, no money saved and no job, and no intentions of getting a job anytime in the near future because he is going on vacation with his aunt and uncle for two weeks, which by the way he didn't pay for either. This is not showing a child how to be responsible - we cannot bail him out all the time, now this has put another riff in our marriage. I am begining to think this is what the kids want.

Lets put it this way also, ever since my husband stopped paying his ex-wife child support (of nearly $2,000 p/mth) his kids all of a sudden think he is rich - they did before, and they do more so now.

Thanks for listening.

So the day has come and gone for my step son to pay this insurance bill and he didn't. We had a big blow up over it two nights ago and my step son keeps saying he has the money and will pay for it - now it is late and it could be canceled. I gave my husband a choice, I told him we no longer support him in financial matters, he needs to be responsibile for himself. He pays no rent with us and pays for nothing in our house, he should be able to start saving money, because yes he did get a job, even though he will be going on vacation next week. Plus he keeps telling my husband he is working all these side jobs.

(During the blow up I got this: MY Dad loves me because I am his son, and if he wants to bail me out he can & I will pay this the way I want too) - I am very through with this! No more!

The blow up was good because it finally made my husband realise that I was not going to live like this for the rest of our lives (supporting his kids) - it is one thing to help your child when they are trying to help themselves, but it is another to help a child who has no ambition to get out and help themselves.

My husband and I agreed (again) that if the insurance is not fully paid by the end of day next Monday that he would cancel it before we got a notice from the insurance company. If he does not follow through on this, I will follow through and leave. I refuse to live like this, he wants to be an adult he needs to act like one.

My kids wouldn't behave in this manner, and I don't support them in everything they do - they are responsible for their vehicles and car insurance and their own bills they make. My husband tells me to tell my children no when they ask at the last minute to go somewhere or do something (The children without vehicles - this used to be a big problem) - Why can't he practice what he preaches? NO - it is a very simple word, two letters - N - O! I now tell my kids "what part of no don't you understand the "N" or the "O", and then it is settled.

I'm new to this forum. I need some help. I've been married for just over 8 years. My husband has 2 kids from prior marriage 13 & 18. I've had several conflicts with the 18 yr old. The last issues was when she purposely didn't enroll in college, doesnt have a job and cursed me out because I told her that she need to find a job. She sits up and causes problems and he acts as though he's afraid to tell her that she needs to do or its time for her to leave. He says that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me however he wont correct her when needed or lay down the law. I've told him that I would leave him however I really don't but I don't want to live in the miserable state that I'm in. I dont even feel comfortable in my own home. This was my house before they moved in and I feel like a visitor unwanted.

I feel for you! As you have read I have very similar problems! My step-son did finally move out after Daddy wouldn�t help him out any longer (you cannot help those who won�t help themselves) � of course I was to blame.

He finally realized that we can no longer afford to give the step-daughter money every month � that went smoother than I thought. He told her this was the last month he could help her. It is tough � try to hang in there.

Don�t tell hubby or kids something though that you are not able to follow through on � that would be a huge mistake! Have you been to counseling with your husband about the step children issues? That may help � it helped some with me � although it took me actually packing my bag and saying good bye before he finally realized I meant business. There is no way I was going to put up with supporting adult children who WON�T help themselves! I wouldn�t do it with my kids and they know it!

Hope everything works out for you!

Monique

I am new to this. I am currently considering marrying a man who has been divorced 5 years and has 3 children- ages 15(girl) 18(son) and 21(girl). I am widowed 2 years with 2 sons, 18 and 15. I am most concerned about the step children for me. I haven't been around them, but when I have it is very strained, to say the least. I don't think I can love these children at all. From reading your posts, It sounds like I would be an idiot to marry anyone with children. So, in hind sight, would you marry again? Is it worth the drama?

If you love him marry him. I do not "love" my step children, and at times I do not like them - but we worked through it (Hubby and Me) and didn't let the kids come between us (mine or his).

You need to do what makes you and your fiance happy

Good Luck!

Monique