BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids New to this site

I just found this site a couple weeks ago. I enjoy reading everyone's posts. Here is my situation....I am CF, but married someone who isn't. We have been married for about a year and a half. He has two kids, ages 11 and 12. They do not live with us, but visit every other weekend. I am starting to feel that I have made a big mistake, because I have had about enough of the kid thing. I hate those weekends. Yes, I knew he had kids when I married him, but didn't know how clueless and lazy he was about being a father. I did not know him nearly long enough before I married him, and that is my own fault, I know. In the beginning his kids were on their best behavior when they came around, I guess because they did not know me, so I did not see how opposed he is to dicipline. He was abused as a child, and now goes in the complete opposite direction with his own kids. He is soooo afraid that they won't 'like' him, that he does absolutely nothing about the back-talking, disrespect, noise levels, etc. He is well aware of how I feel about kids in general, but does nothing about the things that irritate me so badly. If I try to talk to him about their irritating behavior, he finds endless defenses for them, and ends up mad at me, because, of course, I should not be bothered by ANYTHING they do, and should just ignore it. According to him, I do not have any, so I couldn't possibly know what I'm talking about. No, I do not like kids, and I don't care who knows it. I don't do anything bad to them, but I just like for them to be at a distance. DH tries to push them on me, thinking it will make me like them. Not working. As a matter of fact, it's going in the opposite direction.

To add insult to injury, the ex-wife is a total, raging a-hole, who never ceases to find things to call and [censored] about. I don't want my married to be destroyed by this, but I'm losing hope. What have I gotten myself into?!?!?

So sorry to hear about your situation, DLEE67. If your husband knows how you feel, why doesn't he do anything? I can't stand it when people say that you don't know how to parent if you're not a parent. Frankly, kids aren't all that different from animals (sorry, parents, you know it's true.) They need positive reinforcement and discipline - NOT hitting or yelling, but positive discipline.

There are ways to get kids to listen without resorting to the kind of abuse your husband must have faced as a kid. Maybe he doesn't realize that, or he's too afraid to try, thinking it's too late?

Another thing to think about is why their behavior irritates you. Are they being disrespectful or just annoying? There are lots of ways to interact with kids to stop the annoying things that they do, and you could have fun with them, too. Could you shoot hoops or throw a football around? Play video games with them? Go for bike rides? Bake or cook? I have a stepmom and a stepdad. I enjoy the step-parent who actually did things with me, and to this day I can't stand the step-parent who did nothing but grumble about me and act resentful when I was around (he hated kids, still does.)

They also need their dad to do things with them. Maybe try suggesting some "family time" with the above-mentioned activities.

Good luck, kids that age are really difficult.

Hi Ingilbert, and thanks for responding to my post.

My husband won't do anything, because like all the other oblivious 'parents' his little angels can do no wrong. I am the one who is wrong for letting them get on my nerves. He spends much more time justifying their actions than disciplining, believe me. I have tried explaining to DH many times that there is something in between beating them and doing nothing. For some reason he has a major fear that they won't like him if he says anything. He doesn't seem to understand that ALL kids go through phases when they hate their parents anyway. He is not doing them any justice by being this way, but he will not listen to me, because again, I don't have any, so I am the clueless one in his illustrious opinion. This is all driving me crazy.

I cook for them when they are visiting, and they love my cooking. The egg donor doesn't do much of that, or anything else, for that matter. I also play the video games, watch kid's movies, and otherwise think of things to entertain them for the weekend. But most importantly, I don't rip their heads off when I feel like it the most. They should be thankful for that. They have no idea how much distain I have for kids, because I make sure I don't ever make them feel that way.

Good for you! See, you are exactly the person that they need in their lives!

Yeah, good for me! Thing is, I am now wishing I WASN'T in their lives at all. I used to warn my friends not to ever get involved with a man with kids, because the new woman is never #1 to that man. Now here I am, obviously not practicing what I preached, and don't know what to do about it, short of divorce.

That's a tough situation. Thank God it's only every other weekend. But it's still something in your life that you didn't want. Do you sense that it might get really bad when they become true teenagers? Is there a chance that they might ever live with the two of you full-time? That would be something I would be concerned about. That would be a true dealbreaker for me.

Hello Happy...

If my marriage lasts long enough, I am hoping that the teenage years will be better, because they will have more things they want to do on the weekends, other than hang out at my house. There have already been times that they didn't want to come over on their weekends, because they had something else going on. This really bothers my husband, and he doesn't seem to understand that this will happen more and more as they get older. He even tells them that it hurts his feelings, at which time I tell him how wrong it is for him to guilt-trip them. They will never live with me, under any circumstances, because that would be a dealbreaker for me too. There is no question in my mind that if that were to become necessary, divorce is the only option. So, I am praying that nothing happens to the egg donor while they are still minors.