BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids My wife wants kids, but I'm having 2nd thoughts

I definitely think that you two should go into counseling. I agree with Duane that her fondness of children under the age of 5 is a huge red flag. I think a LOT of people think "oh, I'm having a BABY!" and forget that there is life after baby ... there is child, teenager, grown adult ...

You NEVER stop being a parent. That being said, does your wife understand this, or does she just want a child "because" ... ?

That is how my husband and I are. I DO NOT want children, EVER. He thinks he may want a child ... the reason? Because. Because that's how he always saw his life. He doesn't really have a reason. Which is okay, but not if your partner doesn't want one.

I also don't like that you have already decided on how many future kids you want. I never understood why people say that. You only set yourself up for disappointment. It seems to me that you're saying that if you want 2 and you only get 1, there is something lacking, or if you end up with 3, there is an unwanted child.

Another thing to think about is how much involvement you would have with the children. Traditionally, men take a backseat to women. Dads are there for the Kodak moments.

Is this something that your wife has thought about, and does it make a difference to your decision? As a CF woman, there is NO WAY I'd agree to have a kid and be stuck with all the work. It would be hell for me. However, men are in a different situation. I'm not trying to say "sure, have a kid because you don't have to do much!" But, if your wife really wants 99% of the responsibility, would it make a difference to your decision?

I don't think either of you should compromise your happiness. If your wife is willing to go to counseling, maybe it will help you decide on one of your three options. However, I see that whomever gets their way will feel resentment towards the other. And is having children really more important than your marriage?

My husband says he'd rather have me than a child. I hope that doesn't change. I like it being just us. Why bring uncertainty into the situation? It's tough now with this decision hanging between you two, but what if a child causes more stress and disruption to your marriage? Children rarely strengthen a marriage, in my experience.

Good luck.

You give in and the baby you have is mentally retarded/autistic. You assume that the child you will have will be perfect, with no major problems at all. Are you and your wife prepared to literally wait on this child, hand and knee, for the rest of your lives, happily, without regrets, in this case? Especially you, who did not want to go into this venture in the first place? That is fodder for thought.
Confused Husband,
Here is some more fodder for thought. I will share a story of a couple my parents age (my Dad is 72 and my Mom is 69) who are caring for their 44 year old son (who I'll call A). A is single and has no kids. A had a normal childhood, was always healthy, a very good student and had a very successful career in the biomedical field. About 2 years ago A suffered a brain aneurysm. A has made a partial recovery but has not been able to resume working in the biomedical field. Last I heard, he was working part time at a book store. A can't drive either. A's mom has health problems as well. There is one other child in this family, S, a 37 year-old woman (high school classmate of mine). S lives 400 miles away, is married, has 2 little kids and has a hectic career as a doctor. S and her husband have helped when they can but there are obvious limits to what they can do.

Mike

Mike,
Thank you for sharing that story. It is interesting that no one thinks about how having a child can turn into a difficult situation-the assumption is that the baby will be healthy and stay healthy and die long after their parents. Your story illustrates how you never know how or when the difficulty will occur, but having a child is a lifelong commitment.

"That is how my husband and I are. I DO NOT want children, EVER. He thinks he may want a child ... the reason? Because. Because that's how he always saw his life. He doesn't really have a reason. Which is okay, but not if your partner doesn't want one.

My husband says he'd rather have me than a child. I hope that doesn't change. I like it being just us."

Ingilbert, this is how my husband and I are, and Confused Husband, I just wanted to say that I feel for you, as my DH and I have had some similar conversations this past year, only it's the opposite situation - we used to say that maybe we'd have "a kid" one day - in the last year or so, he has started thinking maybe he wants to have a kid, and as the years have gone on (I'm 29 and he's 31; we've been married 6 years), I kept thinking I would start warming up to the idea of having a kid, but it just hasn't happened - in fact, the opposite has occurred - I feel more and more against the idea. I am just hoping that my DH comes around to my line of thinking in the next couple of years, as I don't see my mind really changing on this subject. He says he loves me for me, so hopefully that will remain true. He also says something about getting a classic car to fix up instead of a kid, which makes me think even more that this newfound desire to have a kid is a passing fancy. I really hope that is the case! He seems to be someone who needs stuff to do all the time, even in his free time, so that may be part of it. We have 6 cats, but they don't require our attention at all times - just when they feel like playing or affection.

I just don't want the guilt that I already feel for depriving him to continue, but I also would never have a child just for my husband's sake. It's just not me, and we both work full-time, so I can't approach it as if it will be my full-time job/responsibility, b/c I would have to split my duties at work and home. I actually said to my DH that if he needed a child badly enough, we would probably have to divorce so that he could find someone else who wanted one also, but he was horrified at that thought, saying that he only wants to be married to me, so that gave me lots of hope for a long, happy, CF future together, though I think it will take a while for him to be entirely convinced that we need to stay CF.

Anyway, I hope that you and your wife are able to work this difficult situation out. I know that it's usually a deal-breaker, but I hope that you guys pick the route that is best for both of you.

Confused Husband:

It sounds like you are struggling with "keeping your word." You said that you knew your wife wanted kids, and you agreed to go along with that when you decided to ger married. It might be a less than ideal scenario, but it's far better than the other outcome - having a baby you don't want living in your house.

Keeping one's word is important up to a certain extent. But it has kept people in bad marriages a lot in the past because they didn't want to dissolve their life-long commitment. At a certain point, you have to do what is healthy and right for the couple, even if that means parting ways. You made your decision to marry on good faith. People change, and it sounds like your realizations about having children have been somewhat gradual, and have become crystallized recently. It is honest and good to own up to this. It may cause some pain initially, but less pain than the two of you entering into a parenting role when one of the parents is less than enthused.

Counseling sounds great, but I would try to find a therapist counselor that isn't affiliated with a particular religion. Most counselors with a religious bias are going to push for kids. I had a Jewish therapist once, and we clashed over a lot of things. He would often try to push his philosophies and viewpoints that came from his background in Judaism. And others on this board have had therapists been less than open-minded about the childfree-choice. Good luck!

Counseling is definitely the next step.

I agree with everything that everyone's posted. What a great crowd.

My opinions, in brief, are these:
1) Don't stay with your wife and especially don't have children simply out of fear that you won't find a CF partner on the other side.
2) I've always maintained you shouldn't have a child unless you're 100% sure you absolutely want one. Any other way is unfair to the key person your decision will affect -- but as a member of the unborn, he or she can't tell you that.

You're a very insightful person, Confused, and I wish you and your wife well during this difficult period. It sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders and that you love your wife very much.

Friends,

Thank you for all of your responses. I appreciate the support you have given me by spending some of your time on this topic. There are several ideas that have been shared which I would like to respond to, although most of those I will tackle later. For today, however, I want to focus on this:

"Parting ways" (a roundabout yet more comfortable term) may be an option that I/we should consider more seriously. Yet, unless that is something that I definitely want and decide to pursue, it seems dangerous to even introduce it as an "option" in tentative discussions with my wife. If we initiate discussions on this course of action, and then decide against it, I fear that it will severely increase my wife's fear and launch her into perpetual insecurity.

In other words... I already know that her heart is set on kids, so what good could come out of further discussion on the matter? Don't I just need to decide for certain what I am willing to do, and then act on that decision?

If we decide to part ways, then perhaps a series of progressive discussions would help prepare our minds and hearts for such a shift, but if decide to remain together, then it seems such discussions could create unnecessary hurt and fear.


Thoughts?

Thanks,
Confused_Husband

I have my heart set on a horse, but it ain't happening. In fact, that's one of the only things I've ever wanted (not in a little girl "ooh I want a pony!" kind of thing, either.) But, location, time, money, etc. all keep me from having my dream.

Sometimes your heart is set on something and you can't have it. It's not the end of the world, and guess what? I'm still just as happy as I'd be if I did have a horse. In fact, I don't have to worry about another animal, money, etc. It's BETTER than having a horse!

I hope you can take this in the way that I mean it, I am not criticizing you here.

I know in my past I have at times tried to diminish things that we did not have in common, or make a square peg fit a round hole because I loved that person so much. Is it posible that because you loved this woman so much you let yourself believe you wanted kids when you weren't so sure? I think this happens alot in relationships.

I recently met someone, talked with them ALOT, saw things about them that were absolutely wonderful but there were things that nagged at me. I ended the relationship before it got anywhere.

I hope you can work this out with your wife in a way that you can both live with.

"I fear that it will severely increase my wife's fear and launch her into perpetual insecurity."

This line got me thinking...is your wife having fears of losing you and/or insecurity in your relationship?

Is this why working on your marriage is taking a lot of time?

Another good reason to attend counseling (and I agree with nondenominational). Does your wife have issues with confidence? Does this have anything to do with her having her heart set on having kids?

To answer your question, I do think that you need to discuss all options with your wife. Perhaps with the support of a therapist if she has security issues. If she is so confident in what she wants (having a child) than you are doing her a favor.

I love my husband and have been with him for 12 years. If he were to tell me tomorrow that he absolutely HAD to have a biological child, than I would wish him well and help set him up with a single woman wanting kids. It would suck and I would be devastated. But I know having a kid will not work for me and all three of us would wind up miserable.