BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids My wife wants kids, but I'm having 2nd thoughts

Dear members of this community,

This is my first post here. My wife is 100% sure about having kids, but I am enduring an intense inner struggle about that path. I need your help, please, in the role of kind listeners and thoughtful advisors.

During the courtship and engagement period before marriage, I was "on the fence" about raising children. She clearly communicated to me that she was certain about wanting them. This led to months of careful deliberation on my part, and ultimately I decided that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and that children would just have to be part of that package.

However, over the years, my responsibilities and stress have grown and my free time has diminished. I find myself contemplating a most shameful thought: what if I made a giant mistake?

We would be a great parenting team. We communicate pretty well, and that is improving with time. We have discussed in significant detail how we would handle various issues that would come up raising kids. I think that we both have rational, balanced expectations about both the pro's and con's of becoming parents.

Despite that I think we would be skilled at parenting, I am increasingly questioning my willigness to make this committment.
As my free time is dwindling down to nearly nothing, I predict that the added responsibilities of "Dad" will drive me to insanity.

My wife is aware that my stance on parenthood has changed over time, and it scares her. It certainly scares me.

Without giving away our exact age, I will say that my wife is in the ballpark of the 3-decade milestone, so she has a few years, but not much more than that, before the odds of healthy conception drop to uncomfortable levels.

In spite of my committment to her, I wonder if we would both be ultimately happier on separate journeys. Would she be happier with a different man who is more committed to fatherhood? Would I be happier if I opted for no kids and the accompanying [formidable] challenge of finding a woman with similar views?

I see 3 options before us:
1) Stay married, have kids.
2) Stay married, no kids.
3) Part ways.

All 3 of these have WIN/LOSE tradeoffs. Moreover, the LOSE consequences are substantial in each case. Option 2 seems the worst: she has indicated that she would ultimately stay with me if I became adamently opposed to parenthood, but it would break her heart and there would be years of probable resentment from her as well as a sense of lack of fulfillment in her. I would probably hate myself for doing that to her.

Option 1 seems like the best course, ethically. It means standing behind our promises to each other in spite of personal sacrifices. It would probably bring me less happiness than option 3, but even that is hard to predict. Our friendship is so close that I can't imagine losing it. Yet, resentment would probably boil within me, and I would have to address it.

Option 3 would bring shame and guilt, and even worse: probable loneliness. I would probably date off and on for years, not expecting to find a "new wife" who supports the No Kids philosophy while still holding a candle to all the wonderful qualities of my current wife. Yet, in spite of greater solitude, I think I would probably be slightly happier overall for other reasons (e.g. having some breathing room / tremendously less stress, freedom, financial options, etc.).

Option 3 also puts her in a pickle, because if she wanted to find a "new husband" (not something you can just pick up at the Mc Donalds drive through window) to father her children, she would be pressed for time (she would be in the mode of "must find replacement husband within a couple years"). She would probably feel rushed. She could end up finding a great guy who would also be more committed to fatherhood than me; on the other hand, the short fuse may lead her to give up on marriage / parenthood altogether or to latch onto a father for her children who wouldn't be a great husband. Thus, it is difficult to predict whether her life would be ultimately better or worse if we parted ways.

I am embarrassed to share these thoughts. Yet, I am torn between the A) mental nausea which floods my spirit when I consider how parenthood would change my life, versus B) the sinking realization that there are no other "good options." Thus, I feel trapped.

Please help. It would be especially supportive if anyone else is now or has previously experienced a similar struggle, but I would appreciate other points of view as well.

PS: there isn't a good "compromise" option that I can see (e.g.#1: I would enjoy pets, but she doesn't want them; e.g. #2: choosing to have a fewer number of kids isn't a desirable option [if we have any, we both want to have 2]; e.g. #3: being a fun aunt isn't enough for her).

Thank you in advance for your support,
Confused_Husband

Confused_Husband,

Welcome to this board and thank you for sharing your story. I don't envy your situation at all. As a woman aged 32, I often have the fear that my husband (34) will decide he is desperate for children. I have less than no desire to have a child so this is a scary thought for me.

I have a few questions before sharing any thoughts...You mention that over the years your responsibilities and stress have increased. What has caused this? Work? Caring for family members? If you did not feel this stress/responsibility, how would you feel about children?

Also, is your wife open to adoption? This allows you both more time to figure out exactly what you want...and possibly work out your stress and responsibilities to where you have the time/energy/desire to be a dad. Another possible option is adopting older children. My husband and I have spoken about adopting siblings 12 and up. I know those are the crazy teen years, but for some people (like my husband and I) those years seem way easier and more comfortable.

If you feel that regardless of any stress and responsibilities in your life that you would not want to have children that is perfectly okay. And you did not make a mistake. It is hard to know what one wants in their 20's. And it would have been perfectly reasonable for yourself to think you would want children later...it seems like everyone is telling you you will want them one day!

You do have a HUGE dilemma, I am glad to hear however that you are keeping the lines of communication open with your wife. That would compound this to HUGE proportions if she had no idea you were feeling this way.

I can say that when I was younger, I was affraid to have children, didn't want to at all. I later changed my mind and wanted a child and had my one and only child when I was 30. I wanted her badly enough that I had a child knowing I would be on my own. People change how they feel about children, I know I did and it sounds like your wife understands that you might be as well.

One thing I can tell you is if your wife is in her 30s, you still have into her 40s to decide. I only have one child and have thought about having another and am now in my 40s, after having done some research, I am finding its very posible to do if thats what a person wants.

Dear Confused_Husband,
Thank you for posting. I don't know if I have any good advice for you, but I'm very sorry you're going through this struggle right now. I'm hoping Duane will be on to give you some thoughts from a male point of view; perhaps he would have some insight for you. I recently got married and I will be 36 this month and my husband is 44. I've taught kindergarten for 10 years and both my husband and I have stressful careers, so another reason for us to be CF is that we really value our down time, which I noticed you said you don't have much of. Is it due to your job? Adding the role of father would not help in that department.

My worst nightmare is waking up and finding out that my husband wants to be a dad. In my opinion, there is no compromise, unfortunately, when it comes to the area of children. If you go against your instinct and how you truly feel and have a child, I feel you will regret that decision. And, like you said, if your wife agrees not to have a child, then she'll be resentful of that choice and possibly you.

Is there a possibility that you and your wife could see a counselor to help you both arrive to a solution that works for both of you? This issue may be a dealbreaker and that is so sad since you both love each other, but you cannot do something that doesn't feel right to you and goes against every fiber of your being.

When you said that you are experiencing mental nausea that is invading your spirit, my heart goes out to you, because I think that you truly know how you feel on this issue and what that may mean for the future of your marriage. Does your wife want a baby and the Kodak moments, or is she prepared for a 20+ year commitment? Since I've never felt a burning desire to be a parent, it's hard for me to understand why a woman would want to, but that's probably how they feel when they think of someone like me. It would be great if your wife was content with her family of two, as I like to call my husband and myself.

Please keep posting and I hope you're able to get some insight and help, advice, etc from all who are a part of this forum. Just wanted to let you know we're pulling for you. Jenny

Chaco,

Thank you for your reply. Answers to your questions follow.

Q: "You mention that over the years your responsibilities and stress have increased. What has caused this?"
A: A combination of: resonsibilities of home ownership (we share chores equally since we both work full-time), increased work hours & responsibilities, and the fact that keeping our marriage strong takes more time investment than during our premarital relationship.

Q: "If you did not feel this stress/responsibility, how would you feel about children?"
A: much better. If I could be a "male housewife" (work at home but no paid job) I'd be fine with it. I still recognize that spending time with kids is sometimes enjoyable and sometimes not, but overall it would be good. However, for financial reasons, the "male housewife" concept is unlikely to come to fruition.

Q: "Also, is your wife open to adoption?"
A: We have discussed this. We both feel partially compelled to adopt in order to help with the overpopulation problem, but in the end, I think we would both prefer to work with genes which are closer to ours, and currently, that preference is dominating our adoption considerations. Overall, this might be a good 4th option that we might want to consider further.

Q: "Another possible option is adopting older children."
A: Sounds great to me, but the first ten or so years--in particular the first 5--are the ones she adores the most, so this wouldn't be good for us.

Thanks for your thoughtful and caring reply. I will definitely give more thought to adoption and discuss this with her. Adoption gives us a longer time-frame to work with--less urgency.

Would I be happier if I opted for no kids and the accompanying [formidable] challenge of finding a woman with similar views?
Confused Husband,
As someone whose CF stance is firm and permanent, I can't answer any of your questions except for the one above. It is possible to find CF women but it does require PATIENCE. I used internet and other dating services on/off for seven years before I met my last girlfriend. I dated her for almost two years before we split up last April. The breakup had nothing to do with the kids issue, we agreed on no kids from day 1. I have talked with her several times since our breakup and still hope to get back together with her. One pregnancy scare with her was enough to make me take iniative and get snipped.

As No Kidding founder Jerry Steinberg says, "the issue of children offers no compromise." I am a road biker and extreme skier. I don't care if my girlfriend can ride up and down steep mountain roads in the summer or ski gnarly double diamond ski trails in the winter as I do. I have no problem dating someone of a different religion than mine. I am Jewish. Aside from contributing to charitable activities at the local Jewish center, I avoid the place entirely. The Jewish high holdaiys are coming up and I will skip all services as usual. Fall in NM should be spent hiking or biking in the mountains, not in a stuffy synagogue! I can respect political views that differ from my own. I can not and will not compromise on children. I not only don't want my own, I also don't want to be an "unpaid babysitter to someone else's kids" (Pikasam said this I believe) Whether I reconcile with my ex or meet someone else, she will be very happy to not have to deal with the burden of birth control. It's getting late and I need to get to bed because I have a strenuous hike planned for tomorrow. I am not sure if any of what I wrote helps you, but it is a guy's perspective. Feel free to PM me if you wish.

Mike

Mike, I respect your opinion and admire the strong stance you have taken. The number of children that are raised in fatherless homes, with little positive male role modeling, has and is taking its toll. Boys no longer know how to act like a man, and despite what we think, women can't teach them. I can't tell you how many guys I know that have said they never wanted kids in the first place and then she was pregnant and......Men do not have to have babies if they don't want to any more than a women has to! It's a matter of taking responsibility for your own actions. Babies don't come on a trial basis or with return policies. If you're not certain, the answer is no.

Confused_husband,

I have several thoughts. I agree with Boscoe about seeing a counselor. I think that would be a big help so that you will both have the opportunity to figure out what you want from life.

Do you enjoy your hectic lifestyle and think, "My life works great for me, why would I want to change it?"

I am not getting that impression, but I could be wrong.

If you think that you would want a child (or two) if your life was not so hectic, I would ask yourself how you feel about your job. Is it what you want to be doing? Do you feel trapped at work to maintain your current lifestyle? Is there a way that you can simplify your life in order to reduce the number of hours you work to allow yourself some free time?

I may be completely off base-not knowing you I am only speculating. I mentioned this in another post, but I have a brother who is likely around your age. He works too many hours at a job that he does not enjoy. He has a great deal of responsibility and work and it seems to just get worse for him. He makes a lot of money and is very concerned about not just maintaining, but bettering his current lifestyle. I was caught up in a similar situation throughout my 20's, working long hours at a job I did not like...but with great pay it was hard to walk away. When I did almost two years ago (taking over a 100% pay cut) to work for a nonprofit, my life changed dramatically. I found that for myself, when I am happy with what I am doing, I am less concerned about free time and can care less about spending money eating out or shopping.

You could also look at living in a smaller home that requires less work to keep up. I remember as a kid my dad spent an awful lot of time on yard work. Townhomes are great to avoid that-or xeriscaping the yard.

Again, I have no idea if any of this is relevant in your situation. I do wish you luck and hope that you can be true to yourself whatever you decide.

Chaco

Confused Husband,

I read the messages last night and had a lot of thoughts as to your situation. However, I wanted to sleep on them, so that I could fully contemplate all that I am going to say below.

A very quick background: I am 40 years old, married to my wife (47 years old) for 1 1/2 years. Before I married her, I lived with her for 10 years previously. Both she and I have held, and continue to hold, steadfastly child-free views from our early teens, because we know we don't want to be parents. One of my litmus tests for my future wife/companion was that she had to agree with me on NOT wanting children at all. My desire to not have children was so deep, that I had to have that same, deep, committed desire in the woman I was to spend the rest of my life with. I have been friends with many women over the years, and have heard my share of stories where women thought "they could change their husband's minds" on critical issues -- including the husband's stance on children. Bad move.

The one thing that has to be completely agreed upon, at least up on the entry into a potential husband-wife relationship, is whether to have children or not. My wife and I disagreed on politics in the beginning, but we both agreed that politics was a small issue. Children, on the other hand, was a deal-beater. Religious belief would be a deal-beater for me as well (I don't believe in religion and could not be with a woman that did).

Because you were on the fence beforehand with children, you always had doubts going in. I never wanted to be in that position, so, hard as it was, I let women in my life not get close to me who indicated at the beginning, a) had children, b) wanted children right off the bat, or c) had an inkling of wanting children. I found the right woman for me. However, you let yourself get roped into this current situation, where you are in the worst situation of all: you want no kids, and she deeply does want kids, and NO ONE will be truly happy if either one of you get your way.

You sound like a man who really, truly loves your wife, and would do anything in the world for her, including have a child that, deep inside your gut, you know you are not ready for. The "obvious" situations, which you outlined, do not look good (you being an "unwanted" father, you feel regrets which will build up inside you. In addition, there will be another child in the world that WILL KNOW that he/she was unwanted by one of her parents -- not a good feeling at all. Kids KNOW this. Kids sense this! If she becomes an forced CF woman, she will have regrets that will build up and bite you in the [censored] a few years from now. During the split up, everyone gets hurt. Not pretty.

Here are a few situations that you really, truly need to think about, because they can (and DO) happen:

1) You give in and try to give her a baby from the both of you -- and you find that either one of you infertile! Will THAT cause the both of you to break up? From what you've said, it just might be! If so, you two really have a lot to talk about. You are admitting that to us -- yes, you are, by the amount of doubts that you are saying here. I think you need to listen to yourself.

2) You give in and the baby you have is mentally retarded/autistic. You assume that the child you will have will be perfect, with no major problems at all. Are you and your wife prepared to literally wait on this child, hand and knee, for the rest of your lives, happily, without regrets, in this case? Especially you, who did not want to go into this venture in the first place? That is fodder for thought.

3) Your wife could DIE in childbirth! Are you willing to raise this child, that you didn't want, alone? Are you sure? Really? It does happen! Just because you don't hear about it, doesn't mean that it doesn't happen! Society is so pro-natal that they only tell you the positives about being a parent/mother/father, not the negatives.

Also, may I suggest you go toBellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!

Dear Confused Husband,

I'm with Mike on this one...I think that no matter what you do, if you stay with your wife, there will be resentment. Also, if you have a child with her, there will be resentment and an innocent third party --- the child. Children deserve happy parents who really want them.

As the organizer of the Childfree Boston meetup, I will tell you that out of our 50 members (the group is less than a month old and growing like a weed; it's the second CF meetup I organize), there are some couples, but the group is fairly crawling with single women. Of our 50 members, 35 of them are single, and of those, 95% are women. They're all just waiting for the right man --- one who doesn't want them to be a broodmare for him, or be a stepmom to his young kids from his previous marriage.

Where do you live, approximately? If it's near one of the larger cities in the US, I'd say your chances of meeting a CF woman grow better each and every day. Yes, it's not easy, but I think it's growing easier as time goes on.

Please don't cave on this one. IT'S TOO IMPORTANT. Further, if you go with her preference, you'd be bringing a child into the equation who never asked for any trouble --- and who'd be likely, after a few years, to have divorced parents.