BellaOnline Forums Relationships Bereavement Suicide is Special Grief

My best friend committed suicide less than a year ago and though I am no stranger to grief...(I've lost other friends and experienced three miscarriages) the suicide grief is so complex and I find that it follows a different course for me. It is so deeply life changing to lose someone by suicide. Not all of those changes have been bad but have led to personal growth that has been difficult but ultimately for the better. It is hard to "integrate" death by suicide into your life and heart.
She was the one that I shared all of my thoughts and feelings with and there is just no one who can take her place.
It's like my heart is on hold as far as friendships are concerned and I find it very hard to believe that I will ever have a close friend again.

Sucicide is such a personal thing. The person who takes his or her own life makes all the choices. The person who is sucidal is usually at such a state that they can't see what their death would do to others. they feel insignificant.
I hope yo do not balme yourserlf. Give yourserlf time to grieve and to move on.

I think when we grieve over someone's suicide, we are not only mourning the death itslef, but also all the events that led up to it.

For those of us left behind, we question anything we might have done to prevent the death. Did we see it coming? Did we ignore the signs? What were the last words we said?

Suicide is the most potent form of "death before due time".

Yes, harmony, in a short note, you have have said a lot.

After 2 suicide attempts on my own life, its so true that we don't see the pain it inflicts on the ones we leave behind, and thats because we can't see beyond our own pain, after my 2nd attempt when my son rushed me to the e.r i was unconscious, during the time the doctors woke me and pumped out the poisons from my drug over dose, my son look at me and said " Mom don't i mean anything to you?" my heart broke, today i am so glad i didn't die, but at the time of my attempt i couldn't see beyond my pain.

Hi there,

Your post struck a chord with me as a close friend of mine tried to commit suicide more than once and has a 5 year old son. One day we were sitting together on a beach and I just quietly commented to her that she was so very blessed and that didn't she want to see the gift of her child develop and grow? She gently turned to me and smiled and said "of course I do"...........a blissful silence fell and we continued to enjoy the spring time sunshine on our faces. It was a quiet beach and there were just a few people on it. A couple with a small child about 2 yrs old were playing nearby. The mother started to chat with another mother and my friend's child started to play with the father and the 2 yr old. All was a happy scene. Suddenly my friend realised that her son was playing football with the man, his wife was in deep conversation and the 2 yr old had decided to take a swim in the shallow water alone.........only she had ended up face first and was unable to get her head out of the water - her arms were flying. My friend just leapt up and said - "she's drowning!" and ran in to save her. At the same moment the parents came runnng and the child was saved - all very shocked. My friend came back and just looked at me and said "my God - what an ironic event" - she had tried to take her own life just days before I arrived and then she saved another.

Happily she sees the light in her life now and has become much stronger - she has done a lot of healing and realises she owes it to her own child to be strong, set a good example and enjoy what she has been gifted by the universe.

Dear Skyhaven - you remind me of my friend and your son brought you to the light - keep your face to the light and do not waiver. You have gifts that have yet to be discovered - the other side of pain is something amazing - love. There is no greater power.

thanks, n God bless

Annabellee you are so right as suicide being a complex grief. I lost my ex husband in May 06 to suicide. I was devistated at first and now I am feeling very angry when I think about it. We were seperated by distance so sometimes I also can't help but feel if I lived in the same town he would still be alive. Many people I know miss cues when people give signals of being suicidal or simply dismiss it. You sometimes must pay very very close attention because they are always there. He tried to do it in a space of 3months 3 times. So why was he left alone. If I was there he wouldn't be out of my site 24/7. I would have made sure of it.

Suicide has no bearing on those around them when a person decides his or her life has no meaning. I can tell you that few have thoughts they want to hurt someone dear to them. Their thoughts are not selfish and sometimes very much in their mind unselfish.. I can say from experience that thoughts are that my life is hurting those around me more than helping. If only I could snap out of this, but I haven't been able too and don't want to cause any more sorrow, therefore if I left, it would be over and they could get over the grief. Though this is not sound thinking, many times it's a sacrifice, especially when we know that utimately we will never be with our families for eternity, but this may help them make it when I am only harming them and can do nothing to stop.

Other times a person is so isolated that he/she feels there is no purpose and it would be easier to move on. Anything would be better than the loneliness of having no family, friends or loved ones. This is where our church comes in. It's important to notice widows, singles, those living alone an those that have stopped coming to church for some reason.

I studies this topic in college and nothing makes me more angry than to hear how selfish a person is that tries to committ suicide. Some, but few do it for attention....are the rest worth the risk. However, as stated for those left behind, there is no way to watch someone 24/7. All we can do is our best to love and support and if it happens recognize the struggle this person must have felt and know that we did all we could.

Speaking from experience

I must say I agree with what you have written and that at extreme times during most people's lives they do toil with the idea of the ultimate opt out - suicide.

It begs the question about euthanasia. It is well known that many spiritual people make this option in the end - I know of one or two. It is never about running away - it is about sacrifice but sometimes it is a greater sacrifice to live on and be there for others - this can give purpose when everything else seems to have fallen away.

Helping others is a well known healer. There are many great icons in our world - actors, singers, unknown too who suffer terribly from manic depression and fall in to the arms of drink, drugs and other forms of escapism and in the end the will to live is just no more. Love from those around you can help but ultimately we do all need a purpose.

A very complex subject - is there a right or wrong.

Having a purpose is very important - especially to those who are away from family members and at times of extreme loneliness. Hobbies, past-times and remembering what we loved to do as children can sometimes give a renewed look at life. Friends are important too.

Perhaps deep down it is the realisation that we are just spirits - souls - having a human experience.

Lots of love and light to everyone and hope.

Maria