BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Terrified of telling the family...

I completely agree. That is the crux of the issue. My step-mom does not respect me, and does not care know me on more than a superficial level, and I doubt she will ever realize that.

She's a lawyer, and she just loves to argue and "be right" even if she's not. Trying to make her come around is like beating my head against a brick wall, and it's just not worth it for me.

It's actually kinda fascinating. I grew up being not respected and therefore didn't know what I was missing. I have found people that truly care about me, and now it's soooooo much harder to be around my parents. What used to roll off my back just makes me sad and disappointed now.

My sister had a baby 18 months ago. At times, she gets frustrated (duh), and sometimes my mom hears about it. My mom told me a few months ago that she thought my sister is mad at me because I am not going through this too. I haven't felt anger from my sister, we're pretty close, but to hear the issue visited this way wasn't an easy thing.

I said to my mom, "It would be in everyone's best interest to just get over it. We're not going to have kids, and we're not going to change our minds. If she's mad that she's alone, I know a bunch of people with kids, she's always welcome to ask for babysitting and I'm happy to be a sounding board. She knows that. I've done my decision making, mourning, settling in and growing as someone without kids. The sooner everyone can realize that, the sooner we can all move on."

Acknowledging that the thought process has happened, being assertive about it and asking for respect about who you are will help. It won't make a smooth road, but it helps.

I do believe that when people expect you're going to change your mind, or that your mind is change-able ("I'm 99% sure"), they are going to try and wedge in through that 1%. If you behave as though the door is closed - the bugging will stop. If you change your mind - people well be happy for you and the "I knew it" comments won't live nearly as long as the "you'll change your mind" variety.

Basically, it is a private and personal decision. Just shut people up so you have room to explore your own heart in peace. Whether the door opens or closes is your business.

Here is just what has so far worked for me. My husband and I have been happily married for almost 7 years. We were married when we were 23 and have just turned 30.

I don't think we've ever made a concious decision to not have children at any point. It just simply hasn't been something that either of us have seen as being more important than what were currently doing. Examples would be, grad school, work, remodeling our house, etc. Neither of us feels a pull for children at this point, so that of course is why kids aren't a priority for us.

We've told people when asked that we, "just don't feel that kids are something were ready for at the moment" or, "kids just aren't a priority for us right now." Sometimes this manages to get the parents, neighbors, and random nosey people to stop going on about when were going to get pregnant and sometimes they keep talking. I've tried to explain in more depth and generally it accomplishes nothing.

I think since you're not 100% sure you shouldn't feel obligated to explain yourself to any further extent than the fact that, you just aren't ready right now. Granted they'll get more insistant at 30, but I think now I'm more use to it and just tune them out a bit more and don't take it quite as personally. I mean, I've realized that I'm not going to ruin my parents life by not giving them a grandchild. If they're desperate to spend time with children they can volunteer with a youth group. My mother knows several women her age who don't have grandchildren and they all seem very happy.

Don't make yourself miserable over this. I know I did when the questions got more insistant. No one can be positive what they'll want in 5 or 10 years even. You certainly shouldn't feel obligated to figure this out and lay it all on the table for them now.

One thing I find interesting is that it sounds like those who don't really KNOW us - even if they are our parents, there are PLENTY of things MY parents don't know and understand about ME! -and often those who DO know us are more understanding about this decision.
Or even that (for some of us) we're NOT READY to make ANY decision just yet!
I may try the ignoring thing (for me, like I said it's colleagues who don't really know me from Adam!) but if it's a question do I still ignore or give them a withering look and then ignore?
Once someone at work said something like "When are you going to have kids?" and I just smiled and said "You'll just have to wait and see." (Be waiting a LONG time, my dear!)

I know exactly what you mean, it's like they are your parents, but they don't really understand you. Technically, you are close to them, because they are immediate family. But I'm the same way with a lot of my family. It's like if they knew me at all, they would know that parenting isn't an option. My friends know that I'm really creative, and my creative pursuits are natural and important to me. And that kind of stuff isn't an option when you have kids. I would resent them every minute because I wasn't able to explore other things.

Our wedding cruise is in a couple of weeks, and I know my aunt, that lives in Texas, and my uncle are going to ask me about kids. I guess when I said no one asks me I meant my immediate family, but my extended family does. I'm dreading it, but they don't know me well at all. I'm trying to prepare my response so that the conversation will be really brief.

Katie,

As time passes I'm beginning to think that even if you came clean with your family, if it isn't something they want to hear, they will disregard what you said until it is what THEY WANT to hear.

Case and point. After years of insinuations from my in-laws, they calmed down when I started avoiding them and became "afraid" that I was getting sick of them.

Enter MY MOTHER! How effed up was my life throughout her depressions, hypochondria(?), abuse of my dad, cheating on my dad, and alcoholism? So bad I don't want kids. How many times have I called home having major panic attacks and depressive episodes? Enough that I know I shouldn't have kids.

I have said until I'm blue in the face that pregnancy, babies, no meds and me=bad decision. When I visited last week, I heard all about 2 girls I went to high school with and how one has twins and the other is expecting. I had virtually no reaction because why should I care that they are giving up their freedom? What was she expecting?"Oh I wish that were me!" Then what happens 2 days ago? She practically hangs up on me over not wanting to get pregnant(mind you she never calls me as it is and I think it's because of this issue)!

After telling her that my DH is going loopy(getting tatoos and buying classic cars), she tells me it's because he wants a child (I won't even elaborate on her Fraudian slip of "grandchild"). She then goes on about how she wishes I would have "ONE". I said I "wish" to NOT have one. I mentioned the MNSBC story about increased childbirth deaths. She said she saw it too and "it isn't true". I couldn't belive what I was hearing! She is being so self-centered about a grandchild that she would rather risk losing ME to get one?! F HER! She rarely calls and has been to our house once since we've moved in a year ago. What happens if I have one? She either would never see it(so why does she care so much) or she would start visiting all the time(which means a baby means more than I do to her). Again... F HER!

I feel as if it has gotten to the point that she thinks that my not having a child, exposes a personality flaw in me that she is ashamed of. It hurts. Maybe if I was a total loser that she still had to support, but had a child...she would respect my decisions.

Maybe the next time she disregards what I've said and brings it up, I should say,"Mom. Maybe we better get you tested for Alzheimer's because you aren't remembering anything I'm telling you".

Whatever you decide to do Katie, good luck, but like I said, humans in general are masters of denying things that they don't want to accept. This NO GRANDCHILD thing is a biggie.

Wow yehonala, that is so awful. She actually sounds somewhat like my mom, so i can relate. UGGGGG. I think asking her about getting her brain tested is a fabulous idea and that should do it. I might use that one too. Your 3rd to last paragraph really struck me hard, because it's exactly how I feel my family views it too. It totally totally sucks. I'm so sorry.

Coincidentally, this one just came up on TMC:
08.29.07 4:28p
I want grandkids and I'm going to get them even if my kids don't want to have kids. If they all get to 30 and haven't had kids, I'll find myself a young teen in trouble and give her an easy life if I get to play grandma while she works and studies. If my kids complain well tough luck... if they won't give me what I want I am entitled to look elsewhere.

me too (1)


In the wise words of Jez, this lady is whacked!

Frieda, I am so horrified by this I can't tell you. See my sub-text below:

"I want grandkids and I'm going to get them even if my kids don't want to have kids."
How much does she care about her kids?

"I'll find myself a young teen in trouble and give her an easy life if I get to play grandma while she works and studies."
Pity the poor teen. Not only is she saddled with a child, but she has some crazy woman to whom she is eternally obligated for her food and education.

"if they won't give me what I want I am entitled to look elsewhere."
So it's all about what SHE wants. And the child free are called selfish.

What a dreadful, sick, narrow-minded, dangerous woman.

Hi Violet phoenix,

I was especially mad at your stepmother's choice of word "duty". Duty to breed? That's horrific. I think there's only one duty for humans : filial piety, and I mean, filial piety to the true parents who took care of you when you need them most. your stepmother stepping into your life when you were 16, and yet talks to you about DUTY?!! she's horrible.

but you sound strong, I'm glad, just hope she gets off your back, SOON. oh, and lawyer or no, when people start arguing in their own crazy way, they are seldom logical. There's no point in trying to make sense with these people, because they are not. Keep up your great battle! *big hug for you*

Oh my goodness Yehonala!!!

I would have burst into tears and marched out the front door and never see her again, mother or not. That is so completely, wretchedly horrible!!!!

I hope you somehow find a way to bar her from ever annoying you so much ever again!! I just can't believe it!!!!!