BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Terrified of telling the family...

don't think I can add anything more to it, except, she's deranged!! and I'll bet even if she had "grandchildren", she won't be good to them, she'll just pester them and basically abuse them and make their lives completely miserable!!

Dear Katie,

*sigh* ... I understand you. I'm 28, have been with my boyfriend for almost 9 years, and my mom keeps pestering me about, when are you getting married? why aren't you hunting for houses yet? and she's a big fan of the marriage=breeding idea. *heavy sigh* ...

I remember at my cousin's wedding (she's 1 year older than I am) last sept., right after the ceremony, when my cousin and her husband were off to their honeymoon (such a gloriously happy moment, don't you think?) my mom says, Ok, go and dream of having a baby! My jaw dropped. That's sooooooo completely NOT the thing to say to newly weds, and I mean, really newly weds!! if she said something like that to me when I get married, I'd want to shove something down her throat!!!

so ... I dread letting my mom know too.

*sigh* ... just wish to let you know someone understands and shares your worries and heartaches. Wish you success in being able to live your life YOUR WAY!!

We were at my cousin-in-law's wedding. Her brother got up to give a speech. He said something along the lines of how she's never wanted to get married or have kids. He ended with "congratulations, and we all wish you lots of kids!"

If that had been my wedding, I would have been mad. Although, maybe she changed her mind about not wanting kids. I don't know her all that well. That's what I'm afraid people are going to think about me. I never wanted to get married, either, and I did. But I think marriage is different than kids in so many ways that you can't really compare. I just never imagined I'd find someone I loved that much, but I did. Now, maybe if you could SHOP around for kids, I'd change my mind. But I don't want to give birth, and I don't want to raise them, so I don't know what we'd do with it.

I'm sorry your Mom is being so difficult and insensitive. Maybe you could turn it around, and tell her that depression and alcoholism often runs in family, and you don't want to pass something like that on to your child.

My Mom is quiet when I say I don't want kids. She knows that she came from a crazy house. I've made my peace with her, and we have a good relationship now, but my Mom was *nuts* when I was growing up. Someone that came from such an abusive household like my Mom did shouldn't have kids until they've gone through major therapy b/c they just pass all of that stuff onto their kids. And they aren't doing their kids any favors, believe me. It's not her fault I don't want kids though. True, I looked at her and thought, I'm never doing this. But I've looked at tons of other women and thought the same thing. I think my Mom might feel embarassed in front of her friends that I don't want kids. I hope they don't bug her about it.

You know, I don't mind if people ask my Mom if I'm going to have kids. But I don't like when they ask me directly.

He said something along the lines of how she's never wanted to get married or have kids. He ended with "congratulations, and we all wish you lots of kids!"

It may be a shocker, and for me, it would put a down-side on the "marriage day happiness" but that is just the first shot for preparing her for all of the bingo-ing that she is going to undergo from now on!

It's not her fault I don't want kids though. True, I looked at her and thought, I'm never doing this. But I've looked at tons of other women and thought the same thing. I think my Mom might feel embarrassed in front of her friends that I don't want kids. I hope they don't bug her about it.

It's been a few years since kids (being fathered by me) have been mentioned by my parents (not to mention that it is too late biologically for my wife, turning 47 within 2 months). However, I still get a gut-level feeling that they are disappointed that I won't be passing on the family name. My last name is the 4th or 5th most popular in the US, so it's not like it is unique. They SAY they understand when the subject was brought up last, but I still get the feeling that if they had their way, they would want me, as the only male child, to have children. I'm sorry but it is not going to happen. They have their grandkids from my sister, but I think for them, deep inside, it is not the same. It's like, they accept it, but they don't really.

The other factor is that my mother worked in the same building as I did (and still do) for many years as the receptionist until she retired a few years ago. So her friends from work are people that I see in the hallways, etc every day. And she had pictures of her grandkids at her desk too, showing them off proudly, etc etc. So I have a feeling that I'm not too far off the mark with my analysis.

Oh well. Life goes on.

I would have been *so* mad. You wish for someone what they want for themselves. That would be like saying to someone that does research, "I hope you become a hairdresser." Just because you found someone you love doesn't mean you want to take on the grunt task of raising a child, and that you are good with children and want to be around them 24/7. People need to stop thinking like this. There are so many people that never should have been parents, and they were probably encouraged to have kids. It's ridiculous.

It's really presumptuous. Just because in the past everyone that got married had kids doesn't mean we have to continue with that unhealthy assumption. I think it's really unhealthy for some people to become parents.

My fiance's relatives are having a blow out over our move to Florida. His uncles are really mad that we are leaving. But they don't respect what we want for ourselves. They told us, in short, that we are young and don't understand what's
"important." They want us to live here so we can take care of them, even though we are unhappy here. They don't want for us what we want for ourselves. So sad. Happiness is what is important to us, and personal growth.

I was at a wedding recently where someone said they hope the couple has lots of kids. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy! Plus, it's worth noting that the couple is going to continue to live with the groom's parents. Um, if they can't afford to live on their own, why on *earth* would anyone suggest they start having children???? I cringed when they made the announcement at the wedding. It was just stupid! People are so unoriginal and they can't think of anything else to say.

I know...I keep thinking about that confession and it is really horrifying. Anyone who uses the phrase "I am entitled" is a serious whackjob IMHO, who hasn't dealt with much adversity in life. Yes, she is extremely selfish, and I would bet her children will be completely fed up with her by the time they're grown. If she were MY mother, and I did end up having kids, I would keep them far far away from her!

Reading about pushing kids at the wedding, this just occurred to me. You know at your bridal shower about breaking ribbons is supposed to mean the number of kids you have? I intentionally - and to the objection of my friends/family - did not break a single ribbon at any of my 3 showers, even though at that point, I was still assuming we'd have kids "someday." So even though I feel like we drifted into CF-dom, on some level I was always there. Interesting.

What an absolutely beautiful line. I am going to keep it up my sleeve, as it might be useful to support a third person who is being "bingoed" behind their back.