BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Terrified of telling the family...

Can I get some feedback from you all on how/if you told your family that you weren't ever going to have kids? I know a lot of you told them from early on and a lot of your parents never even ask "the question".

My parents and DH's parents never cease to make comments about the grandchildren they obviously expect and it is making me increasingly anxious about telling them we don't plan to have kids. This weekend was a big weekend for "Well, when you have kids..." blah blah blah. I usually make a point to either change the subject immediately or say, "Don't you mean IF we have kids?".

Now, for those of you who haven't kept tabs on my situation, we are 99% sure we don't want children, but I'm young as is DH and we don't want to make anything final just yet.

Is it weird to be as scared as I am to think of the day that we tell them we've made our decision? It all stems from worry that they'll be disappointed, which I know is not something I should worry about. DH is an only child, so his family has no grandchildren. I have 2 younger siblings, so there is not that much worry there for no grandchildren on my side. I just wish there was never that pressure there to begin with. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong! Does anyone understand what I'm experiencing?

I can understand being nervous about that. I don't have it with my family, but with other people that don't know me that well. I know the question is coming, and I dread it.

It sounds like if you are still young, maybe you don't have to tell them yet? But if you want the questions or hints to stop, you might want to put something out there. I think you are doing a good job by saying "don't you mean IF we have kids." You are letting them know you think it's a choice. But some people only hear what they want to hear.

You might say "We don't know if kids are going to be in our future." Or do you think that would lead to them trying to convince you otherwise?

I think letting them in on the fact that we have always been open to no kids causes me to get bingoed every time. I get the usual, "Oh, you'll change your mind" and another regular is, "Maybe you're just not ready yet - but you will be!"

I only really let my close friends in on us leaving it an option and the rest I have no problem letting them sit and wonder. My family is what I'm concerned about. I've even made little comments about us being happy with our dogs and told my mom to her face that kids are not what I want right now and that I enjoy time with DH, but a week later, she'll be making comments again.

Rambling a little here, but there's one more comment that gets to me. We're currently house shopping and when we find one we like, my mom never ceases to tell me, "Oh, you don't want to live there! The school district isn't a good one!" Give it a rest mother, seriously!

I guess the key is being confident and committed in your decision. If and when you and DH decide that you want to remain CF, then that would be the time to tell them, and from then on don't entertain any arguments, blackmail or general BS. If you're still open or unsure, then I'd leave the door open, by saying that you're still thinking about it, or that the time isn't right. As to whether there will be a right time is a decision you can defer.

Your life is your life, to be lived the way you wish. You don't owe your parents or siblings any sort of karmic debt, or even an explanation. This is my decision for me. End of story.

We all understand how wearing the constant pressure is. Stay strong, and do the right thing for you.

That is a great question Katie, which unfortunately I don't have a great answer for. I'm dealing with the same thing, though I'm older so it's a little different probably.

I know exactly what you mean though about anything you say opening you up to more bingo's. It's so true and happens to me ALL the time. Honesty may not be best in this situation.

Sarah Silverman's quote "I'll have kids when I'm tired of all this freedom" might do the job, though probably not completely.

It's like if you leave them any opening, or show any weakness, they'll bingo you, but if you announce that you're 100% CF that opens you up to criticism, rude comments, or assumptions that you're a child-hater. It's not really right for you to have to say that either, since you don't have a hard and fast position at this point.

None of this may be of help to you, but I do understand and empathize with what you're dealing with.

I had never heard Sarah Siverman's quote. I love it and plan to use it! It may sound sarchastic to some, but it does get the point across and not in a way that they'll judge you for. It may even make them a little more jealous of you than they previously were if you say it with confidence!

My step-mom talks about when "you have kids" or "we have grandkids" all the time. I'm the only child, so the only grandkids would therefore have to come from me.

I'm not home a lot, but I was for a wedding, thanksgiving, xmas and another wedding in the last 12 months. That gave a chance to try some different approaches.

The wedding (October): My cousin's (2 years younger than me) who was pregnant at the time. The cousin's pregnancy I think jump started my stepmom's grandchild desire. I was SHOCKED that she was talking about when I have kids... they have not once bugged me about getting married. I was still in grad school when this came up. I didn't really have any plan, but every time she said, "When you have kids...." I'd interupt and say WHAT KIDS??? like she was crazy, but she'd just continue on with her little fantasy.

Thanksgiving: A little more prepared this time. I kept saying how I wasn't having kids, and she kept insisting that I would. She even went so far as to cut me off like it wasn't "cute" that I was saying I wouldn't have kids, and then go into one of her "lectures" about how it was my duty. WOW. I couldn't believe it. Ironic, because she has no children of her own, and while she was and is very involved in my life, she didn't live with me until I was 16.

Christmas: Chose not to correct her. I figure she doesn't want to take the time to KNOW me, so it's no longer my obligation to try to fill her in. It was a lot smoother for me to just ignore every instance of when she said, "When you have kids...". By not saying anything, I didn't encourage her to talk about it, or encourage her to try to over power me, or let it go on longer than a passing thought.

So I think it's worth it to let people know you're not having kids, but if they are not willing to take you at your word, I think it's fine to let them live in fantasy land as long as they want.

Oh, and as for being young... I also don't want to dig my heels in until I'm 110% sure there will be no children. I hate the way they like to act so smug and right if I happen to change my mind about anything. Who cares? Right now we're at about 99.5% sure, but I don't think I'll be ready to dig my heels in until I'm about 35 and they really start bugging me.

I am fine with ignoring the people who give me the "when you have kids..." statement or the ones that bingo me because they obviously don't know me. It's the people I'm closest with that I am happy to fill in on my real stance.

When it comes to family and the prodding questions, though, I almost feel like if I don't give them a direct answer they might feel betrayed when we finally do have the talk. I guess I'll have to fill them in more on how having no kids is an option we're considering. That way, they can see how we think about things a little differently than most people and they won't be so confused when we talk with them down the road.

I like your advice Violet of just ignoring them and letting them live in their fantasy land. It's almost like you have to treat it like a joke, and just roll your eyes and not say anything.

It will stop happening as much as you get older, and they will soon realize that their idiotic beliefs have absolutely no bearing in anyone's life but their own.

They can't force anyone to have a baby unless they rape you and then lock you in a closet for 9 months so you can't get an abortion. If they're willing to have intercourse with your husband, carry the baby, and then raise it, then maybe they'll get their way!

I have very little use for unnecessary diplomacy. If someone -even one of my parents- barges into my personal life with assumptions about my future choices, diplomacy goes right out the door. In other words, rude comments get rude answers.

The last time my dad started a "one day, when I'm a grandfather" speech, I reminded him that my brother has not yet made any decisions regarding parenthood and that he might want to wait and see if said brother wants to make him a grandfather before he makes any plans. Mom rolled her eyes and said, "So you haven't changed your mind yet?"

There went my temper again. Her attitude has always been the classic "you'll change your mind when you're older." I told her through gritted teeth that "Yet" was not an issue. And that I had invested hundreds of dollars over the years in synthetic hormones to prevent this baby factory from ever opening and that I will continue to do so until Mother Nature shuts it down for me.

Yea, I went off on a tangent. You folks know me well enough to not be surprised by that, I think. The point is that after your "IF"s and other statements have been ignored, you have to realize that to at least some extent, the people in question, even if they are your own parents, DO NOT RESPECT YOU, your choices, or even your right to choose. I'm a little brash and hard edged at times, so I understand if you choose to ignore me, but my approach is always straight forward. If someone continues to hassle me after being given a clear, simple statement about my stance on the issue, they are entitled to receive every bit of venom they create with their lack of respect.