BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids She Wants a Baby, He Doesn't...

I found an interesting article on MSN today...

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Wow. I don't want to give the end away, but the 3rd to last paragraph was just so sad to me. Cruel irony indeed.

I love that series though. I didn't know it was online. I read a few of them in magazines while I was waiting for my oil to be changed the other day.

Thanks for sharing that...really interesting. Especially the ending. I didn't expect him to switch camps that easily. I was also surprised she wasn't more into the idea of adopting, especially after all the years of pining to be a mother and finally getting him on board. .

They both seem to be the epitome of selfishness. They don't know how to even act like adults. Neither should have a baby. And for him to change his mind? That's just more ammunition for people to use against the CF - "see, he changed HIS mind!" Of course, it's different with a guy. Yeah, he can take his kid kayaking and hiking and whatever. He gets to have the Kodak moments. Women don't. Women do the work.

Dear lord, give me strength. I shared the article with my husband because I thought a few problems that couple had was similar to us (in a funny way.) He told me that the husband finally "came around." I just want to smack my husband and say, "do you understand why I think you think I'm going to change my mind?"

I also pointed out that it's easier for the guy to change his mind because he doesn't have to be pregnant and constantly be there. He can just have the Kodak moments. My husband asked where I ever got the idea that men don't do as much. !!!!!!!!!!! I said, uh, from LIFE?

He said he wouldn't be that way. I said he was in the minority. He was pleased that yes, he is.

OMG, the man can barely do anything around the house without grumbling. He does the dishes, and that's it. Last night he didn't take the laundry off the line, even though he saw it was dry. I went out there and braved the mosquitoes. He didn't offer to help. I told him he could fold them, and he acted all surprised that I was ticked about going out in the dark to take the laundry down myself. So, he folded the clothes. And then put it all back in the basket and put it in the laundry room.

Instead of telling him he was in the minority, this is what I would have liked to tell him: (please keep in mind that I love my husband and wouldn't trade him for the world, but I have to get this off my chest and I can't say it to him because then his feelings get all hurt):

THAT is the point, sweetheart. You don't think to even offer to help. When you do help, you don't do everything you're supposed to do, so I have to watch and hold your hand and tell you everything. I have to tell you what to do like you're a 5-year-old because you act like a 5-year-old. You get offended if I tell you that you did something wrong, but that's because I've already told you six times how to do it right. You don't listen because even though you've never cleaned a bathroom before (and you tell me that I have to tell you how to do it,) you think you know what you're doing. (Did you forget that a year into our marriage you said, "you mean you're supposed to clean the shower?") And because you don't listen to the way I ask you to do it, you do it wrong. Going on the Internet to prove to me that your way is better just pisses me off, and I keep telling you it pisses me off, so stop it. I've cleaned the house since I was 8, and you never did anything ever, so stop trying to prove me wrong. Oh, I'm sorry, you're just trying to prove you are right. But doesn't that mean you're trying to prove me wrong? (Oh, and BTW, who usually ends up being wrong? That's right, YOU.)

Remember the other night when you got mad because I said mowing the lawn was more important than doing the dishes because it's been raining so much and I wanted the lawn mowed before it rained again and it was already getting dark? Remember how you got so mad and said that you KNOW you have to mow the lawn? You said that by telling you to mow the lawn I was treating you like a 5-year-old. Let's see, you haven't mowed the lawn yet this year, even after you said you would, and even after it was getting SUPER long, causing me to finally have to mow. AND you say that because you never had to do anything around the house when you were growing up I have to tell you what to do, then yes, I guess I'm treating you like a 5-year-old. Because otherwise, you don't do anything! And why was it so offensive to you that I assumed you wouldn't mow the lawn? I was just drawing a conclusion based on your history of NOT mowing the lawn!

Oh, and then when you DID mow the lawn, I said not to mow in the ditch because there was standing water. What did you do? You mowed in the ditch. Why? Because you tried it out and it worked. Of course, you clogged the mower and couldn't figure out why. Hmm, maybe it was super long, completely soaked grass? But you always know better, don't you? How about we try this - if I say not to do something, don't do it. Don't try to prove me wrong. Sorry, I keep forgetting. You don't want to prove me wrong, you want to prove to yourself that you are right. Why can't you see that this irritates me?

And you think you will magically change if you have a child? Please forgive me for assuming you wouldn't help out that much. It's just that I have to light a fire under you if I want any help at all, and I've learned it's easier just to do everything myself.

It's weird that the woman didn't verbalize that she wanted kids. And, I'm sorry, but she let too much time go by. You don't start talking about having kids at 42! That's part of being an adult - accepting that certain things aren't going to happen in your life. I mean, I think it would be okay if they decided to adopt. But I'm sorry, I can't get excited about a woman of 42 having a baby the old-fashioned way.

Ingilbert, my DH2B and I have had the conversation about it being tougher for me, too, if I ever got pregnant. And I have to point out that I would be the one that would have to carry the baby for 9 months, and go through the physical pain and discomfort and have my body forever changed. And that's before the baby even starts living on its own.

Even though we are CF, he worries about birth control less. And I have to constantly remind him that I would be the one suffering the most. He got it the last time I explained it.

From what I perused, I don't think these people are ready to be having a child at all. They sound very immature and to make matters worse, it sounds like they're going through the 'seven year itch' phase in their marriage. Probably not the best of times to be thinking about popping out kids...especially when you're going though therapy and trying NOT to kill each other.

I like to try to understand things from all points of view -- and I am fully aware of the changes that occur to a woman after she has a child. Knowing that, and knowing that my wife has no desire for such things as being pregnant, I don't need to "have that discussion", because it is the great unspoken truth. Much like is discussed here amongst ourselves here online ("These are the things that I can do because I don't have children", etc), she and I do that amongst ourselves. It's fun!

She apparently missed the motherhood hormone when she was a girl, and I missed the fatherhood hormones when I was a boy. Sounds like a perfect match to me.

Even though we are CF, he worries about birth control less. And I have to constantly remind him that I would be the one suffering the most. He got it the last time I explained it.

It sounds like this mutual understanding was bundled with a nice threat or two in his general direction

I have a "five-year-old" 48-year-old husband myself. I tell people I don't need a child, I have one, he's just 48 years old! LOL!

Here's a great example from this morning:

Hubby: Have you seen my camera battery charger?
Me: I think it's on your nightstand, did you look there?
Hubby: It's not there, I looked. I think I charged the battery somewhere else...
Me: Let me go look. (I get up and look.) Here it is, on top of some books on your nightstand!
Hubby: Oh, I didn't see it! (If it had been a snake, we'd have been spending the morning in the ER for snakebite!)

I sometimes feel like the "house librarian" because I'm the only one who knows where everything is! It's so disheartening to see a grown adult who is so helpless! And yes, he actually holds down a job! LOL! I'm glad we're not having kids because I'd have to raise him along with the kids!

Cindy