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We�ve all had them, those times that we have been beaten down so far we don�t know if we can pull ourselves back up. I�ve had two such experiences in a little over a year. I wonder if I can go through it all again.

Two years ago, I was brought into my coven by the other founding member. I had been solitaire for years and was perfectly happy being so. After a few rituals, I took the offer to become the second High Priestess of the coven. I worked hard for over a year to make Celestial Wisdom the best group that I could. I poured my heart and sole into the group, often putting it above the rest of my life. I wanted the group to succeed; I felt that a failure would be my personal fault.

Then, April 2006, my co-founder and partner decided to take her studies in another direction. She also picked through our members and hand picked the members she would like to take with her to her new coven. I felt beaten, betrayed, and personally attacked. How could this person, whom I thought was a wonderful sole be so mean and self centered? I could hardly believe that I had been such a pour judge of character. Feeling beaten, I did what Mom taught me to do all my life. I picked myself up, brushed off the dirt, and started again. I took the few loyal members who stayed and started again. We looked at the practices and chose what still fit with our beliefs and started a few new practices, all while enduring the continuing verbal bashing of our former coven mates.

July 2006, one of our members stepped up and took on the High Priest Position. He and I worked well together. We all used to joke that there was four people in my marriage; my husband, myself, our coven�s guide, and the High Priest. The four of us got along well and often went out as a group. When the HP was having marital problems he practically lived in my home. I went to the hospital when his son was born. He came to the hospital when my daughter was born. There were always conversations about future plans with the coven and what we would like to do in the coming seasons.

Then it happened again. This past April the High Priest found another girlfriend. He neglected his responsibilities, forcing me to take on my duties as well as his. He would refuse to return calls from coveners or return emails. He brought his new love interest to one Sabbat and one New Moon and then wanted her to be entered into the group, having only known her for two months. We told him that she is welcome to come to our social events, but we are not inducting love interests. The next ritual, The High Priest brings his girlfriend, and does not say a word to a single member of High Council. I was stunned to say the least. He started telling coven members that he was going to step down as High Priest. One week later he stopped by my home. The guide and I were in my back yard, we even motioned him to come back and see us. He held up one finger and went inside to speak with my husband. He told my husband that he was �stepping down and stepping out� and then he left. About five-minutes after he left we realized what had happened.

That was the beginning of May. To this day, he has not told the Guide or me that he was leaving the coven. I heard earlier today that he married his new girlfriend. He hasn�t returned a phone call or email, and he hasn�t spoken to any coven member since his last ritual.

I am sitting here again. Feeling beaten, betrayed, neglected, and personally attacked. We have gone from 13 members to 4. They are looking to me again. But I am not sure if I can do it. I have poured myself into Celestial Wisdom twice in two years. I have worked hard to build a strong foundation. Twice I have had my religious family pulled apart by people I trusted. So here is my question� How many times can you rebuild, before there isn�t anything left in you to pour into something? I may have reached it, and it breaks my heart.

Why don't you talk to your coven members to get their input. Maybe they will give you an answer regarding on whether it is worth trying to rebuild or not. You can't keep putting your effort into it when no one else does...

It is sad that you are the only one that is putting your heart into this, normally I would say to try to rebuild, but in this case, there is no point. Personally, like froggie said, I would speak to the members that are left, & see if other arrangements can be made. (Place to hold rituals, Sabbats, etc.) Hopefully this way all the pressure won't be left on your shoulders. It is time to deligate. if that doesn't work out, I think it would be time to walk the solitary path for awhile.

Remember - the coven isn't yours, it belongs to the gods. Leading a coven means being a servant to its members as the gods dictate. When leading a coven, it is imperative to maintain a strong connection with your gods. Not only will this help keep you from burning out, but it will also keep you strong, spiritually fed, and centered. When the focus shifts from connection with the gods and onto the people, their dramas and whims, their loss of connection, then one becomes drained, disheartened, and questions why bother.

I'm very sorry you've been so taken advantage of and had such disappointment with your group! Yes, leading a coven is freakin' hard work. There is a LOT of beating your head against the wall, long nights of worrying, etc. I recommend you spend some time in meditational prayer with your gods and find the guidance you seek. It might just be time for you to go solitaire and rebuild your own connections.

In peace,
Jess...

Thank you for the advice and insight everyone!! It has been nice to know that there are people out there other than me and my ego-centric world. A quick update...
Our Coven has gone down to THREE of the origional members. I have told the others that I will continue to do my thing and they are welcome to join. The other two have been very supportive and loving... we have all learned to lean on each other through the tough times we have all been having lately.
We are doing the only thing we can, we are moving forward from here. Hopefully we have learned something about ourselves and out beliefs.

Thank you again for the care and advice!
Live, Love, Learn!
Corrin

Another thing I noticed from rereading your original post is that you put the coven above all other things in your life. Maybe having the coven reduced, though in a nasty fashion, was a way for the powers that be to let you know to take it easy! You have to have balance in your life, and if one thing starts to dominate the universe has its glorious ways of telling us to slow down!