BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Help! They are brainwashing me!

Be warned, this is a long, rambling, confused post!

I am driving myself absolutely insane. I think about this decision constantly and it has just been unbearable today. Comfortable in my almost official CF decision, I�ve totally come unhinged again and am having all sorts of confusion and doubts etc (forget DH for now, I cant even complicate things further by worrying about what he wants ) Anyway, I just spent the weekend with my parents, and, while they swear it was not calculated, got to spend the day with a family friend and her young son visiting, and a childhood friend and her somewhat new baby who lives nearby. First, the little monsters like me. It is like cats, when they know someone is allergic, they won�t leave the person alone. I had fun, of course, I�ve always been good with kids, did a lot of babysitting etc. but it is all just so much more loaded and harder now. And, partly b/c I desperately want my mom and dad to acknowledge that CF is really a valid choice (they give it lip service and feel sorry for me for what I will supposedly miss out on etc etc) I do engage in talking about it with them (they would stop if I told them to). Anyway, by the end of the weekend I was imagining and fantasizing about all sorts of lovely dovey wonderful mushy stuff etc, and it felt so right, and I felt all my CF feelings were so negative and that I truly would not be experiencing all that life had to offer and I would miss out on this amazing thing that I might be really good at and might really like. And while it is a terrible reason, I could see how much joy a child would bring my parents, and frankly, how much joy having one has brought them (or so they say�)
And when I came home from the weekend, DH and I were great and I was imagining how well we would handle it all and how great it would be etc etc. So I am back to being less spastic, but really am questioning the CF direction I was pretty sure I was headed. As people have said often here, I WANT to WANT them, it would be so easy. The sacrifices I know I would have to make , I would WANT to make them. I have some time (just turned 30) but there would be things we would have to do to start planning (financial, place to live etc etc) that I really don�t want to deal with at the moment. I worry if we do have kids, I won�t be able to forget the part of me that really didn�t want to, especially when it is not so fun. But I also know that it would be a thought out decision, and I would know what I was getting into perhaps more than others, so I wouldn�t be in for such a shock when it was rough at times. I have begun to understand the �it�s different when it is yours,� but riding home with the mom and her kid, I found myself really irked when he would interrupt our grownup conversation � which was mostly my asking her about her decision to have kids which she was more than happy to discuss, bc we have some similar viewpoints, esp. about mothers who work (don�t pawn your work off on to anyone else etc etc)
One of the things I talked about with my mom is my fear that a child would strain my relationship with DH and instead of it bringing us closer would really hurt us, and we would never have real alone time and freedom again. My mom explained her perspective, but the problem is, something I struggled with as a kid, I know, is how much alone time my parents carved out for themselves. I had a full time nanny (I don�t judge her for that, she has a great career and is a wonderful role model- it was fine but complicated too), after I was little they often went on long vacations w/o me, and I know I felt left out and lonely sometimes. I was a wreck when it came time to be away from home, like camp and college, but eventually got over it. Don�t need to be a therapist to figure out the cause of the problems being away from home! Maybe they were selfish, maybe I was hypersensitive, who knows. I just know there were certain things that seemed unfair and choices I would not make for my own kid based on what I know about myself, but that I would want anyway (the CF vacations, for example). Sometimes I feel like my mom got to have her cake and eat it too. To some extent I wonder if my mom rewrites the history of things a bit as well. (The one and only time, at least that I know of, that she and my dad had major problems was over an issue with me). Another example - she used to really not be too fond of DH, and I give her credit for giving him a chance and getting to know him, and now she thinks he�s the best thing since sliced bread and that he�d make a great father etc etc. I don�t think she remembers the grief she gave me about him years ago and how long it took for us all to build a good relationship. Anyway, I am rambling. Am I falling for the brainwashing, and deep down do I know I don�t want kids? Why am I doubting my instincts to be CF so much? Or am I just scared and really want kids and wanting them is my real instinct? Rationally, it would be better to regret NOT having them than to regret having them (for the poor kid�s sake), but what if I loved it? I KNOW that the people who say the CF don�t know love are full of it. Why this quest for more if I am perfectly content as things are (well, perfectly happy but for this miserable confusion)? I hate biology � if I could have my own kids when I was 50 and live to 100 , I would do it � I want the next 20 years just for me and DH. I don�t want to be pressured by my biology, but such is reality if I want biological kids.
I also have been a big fan of adoption and now I am questioning that for myself, which feels so unethical � if you want kids you should want kids and not be doing it for the vanity of seeing yourself and your qualities in another. Easier to feel in theory than in practice. There are times I just wish I would go to the dr and be told that it turns out I don�t have any eggs, and I would be free from this decision and could adopt later in life if we wanted. Though perhaps I would be told that and be devastated. The bottom line is that the idea of having to sit through school plays, and care what the new teacher was like and how to make sure my kid(s) don�t wind up on drugs or in jail etc sounds to me like a living, boring, stressful endless nightmare that would ruin all the fun DH and I have, but there is this tiny yet very powerful part of me that says just take the leap, it will be so rewarding that all that [censored] wont be so bad, and, gulp, it is different when they are yours and since I don�t know the joy, I cant imagine it (it sounds like brainwashing, no? Some could say great things about fly fishing, I�m still not interested). I wonder if it is telling that if there were no DH and I was single, I really don�t think I would want a kid � not bc I think one needs need a DH (you certainly don�t), but b/c for me, having someone to share the experience with is so important. Does that mean the idea of wanting a kid for its own sake is just not part of me? I also feel so much family pressure (not overtly, but self imposed) � I�m an only child (if that wasn�t already clear from this self absorbed mess of a post) and no cousins or anything my age, nor little ones either, so being a close good aunt is not an option. So, even here, it is not about the kid but about my family and bringing it together etc etc. Anyway, now is as good a time to stop as any.

Wow ... good luck Rabbitt. In reference to how you felt "brainwashed" ... I think we all feel that after a while, after people have been talking about how good it is to have kids, or if you have fun playing with kids.

It happens to me sometimes, but then I get snapped back to reality. Do I really want kids, or do I want the Hallmark moments.

I am also an only child. I think that sometimes that has a lot to do with it. I'm not selfish, but I don't share especially well.

Well, even though I seem to have become a bit of a forum villain, I want you to know, rabbit, that doing something with doubt in your mind cannot lead to a good thing. Think about it, if you decide to "just take the plunge" and roll the dice with having kids, then realize you don't really like the experience, you will always hold on to your original doubt and never let yourself have peace over your decision.

I would reccomend that you really dig into your soul with this, list the pros and cons, and don't make any final decision until you are absolutely certain that, even if things don't "feel" right once the child comes, you will stick it through to its very final consequences. No retreat, no surrender.

Same if you decide to remain CF, if you do, find ways of putting all your energy into your relationship with your DH, and perhaps, like others here, doing volunteer work or traveling extensively.

I don't believe the joy of parenting can only be experienced by giving birth, living with love and making sure you spread it around is what makes a worthy life, regardless of children.

I hope you can make your choice and be passionate about it, just be sure that once you make it, you never contemplate the "what ifs". Best wishes.

Hi Rabbit,
I go through a similar frustration every few months. My sister-in-law is about to have a baby and I know I need to prepare myself to have these frustrating feelings again. That and for everyone seeing me hold it and go "Oh..don't you want one?" Is it any wonder I dont want to hold a baby??

It is funny, I go through these feelings and the only way I get myself out of it is that I remember that I really dont have any interest in children under 12. They annoy me. I can't see myself dealing with 12 years of constant kid for a teen that may be interesting. If we decide we want a kid, we can adopt one at age 12. My parents point out all of the issues a newly adopted 12 year old would have. I remind them of all of the issues kids from seemingly perfect homes can have too!

Perhaps many of us want a kid in some way, but not badly enough. Most of us on this board don't feel this overwhelming desperate desire to be a parent. My sister in law has been dreaming of the day she would have a baby. I have never envisioned myself pregnant or holding the baby. Sure, there is a part of me that would like to have a 15 year old, who I would take hiking and on cool trips. But I must not want my own badly enough to go through pregnancy and the first 12 years!!

For me, it seems my desire when it comes, is because having a kid would make my parents so happy and give us a reason to bond. Also, I struggle making friends with women and moms seem to have an instant social circle while I cant seem to relate to anyone.

Hang in their Rabbit

That's what nieces and nephews are for.

Rabbit,

I hear ya and feel for ya. I'm 36 and an only child, too (not that that has any significance other than bonding in another way).

I totally agree with the following statements by the following people who responded to you:

- From Ingilbert:

- From Griz:

- From Chaco:

During this really confusing time, perhaps you can take some comfort in the fact that no matter which route you choose, you'll always have a certain amount of second-guessing that decision. Even as comfortable in my own CF decision as I am, I know there will be a day when I'll cry because I didn't have any kids. I'm prepared for that. But for me, it's better that I cry on one day that I didn't have kids than many days out of frustration, exhaustion and even contempt that I did. My crying day will most likely come when my parents are dead, when I'm fighting with my husband, and I had a rough day at work during the holiday season while on my period (or experiencing menopause).

I'm like Chaco -- I don't really like people under the age of 12. They bore me, they irritate me, I grow impatient with their pointless and needy questions, I get enraged when they push the envelope with discipline, and I just can't wrap my brain around having to care for someone's needs 24/7 when they have no job and nothing to give back (parents would argue they give back love, but they give back a buttload of grief, too). It really takes a selfless person to endure parenthood with grace and poise, not losing control and embracing the concept of unconditional love. That's not me. Like Ingilbert said, I want the Hallmark moments -- kite-flying, petting zoo snapshots, and stick-figure Mother's Day cards. I think it was Chaco who may want the older teen kid for cool vacations -- I agree, it would be cool. I've also said on other posts that I want that one moment when you hold your newborn for the first time, look at your DH and look back at your baby and go, "We made this!" and the kid squeezes your finger and the world melts away into a bliss of divine perfection.

I can state what I do want until I'm blue in the face; none of it tips the scale when weighing all the things I don't want, which is what we all talk about all the time, so I won't repeat it.

I think that Griz had a very objective viewpoint, not encouraging, not discouraging -- but some great advice to really weigh it out, which is what you're doing. I'd definitely recommend reading some books on making that decision. If you're religious, never forget the power of prayer to guide you. But the ultimate bottom line will be the discussions and decision you make with your husband. You both have to feel no less than 100% confident in your choice, always realizing there will be times later you'll question it -- that's normal -- but knowing deep down you ultimately made the right decision, taking into account as many facets as you could.

Good luck, Rabbit!

Rabbitt,
I really don't have any more great advice to give you beyond what has already been said, but just wanted to add that your post echoed my feelings almost exactly. Little different life circumstances, but otherwise I relate so much, and am constantly plagued by the same issues. I am not 100% comfortable with the CF position, yet feel like any desire to have a child is due to pressure from society/family (self-imposed is a good way to put it too). It does feel like brainwashing ...yet maybe they're right. The way I think about it is they are right IF all goes well and I had a baby and could handle it and turned out to enjoy it and the baby was healthy, and so on and so on. BUT, if something goes differently, then there's a chance they could be wrong. It's different when it's your own is not universal, I am learning, though it might be true for the majority. I feel like I need to be willing to accept anything that would happen, and that scares the bejeezus out of me.

I love little babies (not so much older children unless they're especially endearing or I have a bond with them) but frankly, the idea of being a "mother" turns me off. I don't have this yearning desire to have someone calling me "Mommy." Nope...that just isn't there for me.

So, I'm confused also, and share your feelings that in a way it would be a relief if it was impossible. Since my husband has fertility issues, it is a very expensive, stressful process for me to try and get pregnant, so in a way that has happened for me. But then when I tell people that, they push me to adopt. I just don't want it bad enough to do that...I know that (and it makes me feel bad a little bit that I'm not more noble).

Desire aside, I've heard that adoption is expensive. It can cost upwards of $25,000 dollars. It's not just like going down to the shelter and picking out a homeless pet to adopt. :-) Then you end up with the same responsibilities as biological parenthood. If you don't want kids, you just don't want them, bio or otherwise! That's how I feel, anyway! My pets are enough responsibility for me!

Cindy

frieda, if you don't want kids, you don't want kids - period. No need to apologize or feel ignoble because of it.

Adoption is expensive - my cousin put something like $15K into adopting her son from Guatemala. When DH and I were -briefly- discussing doing it ourselves (before we were solidly CF), the sheer cost was one of the biggest turn-offs.