BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids On growing old child free

As I come to acceptance about not being a parent, I have considered (in those 'middle of the night' moments) what it will be like to grow old, child free. I got to thinking about this in more detail over the last couple of weeks. I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to be absolutely fine.

I'm fortunate, first of all, to have a fabulous role model in my mother. Do you know, not once in my life has my mother asked me (nor my father for that matter) when or if I am going to have children? My parents are really busy in their retired lives and they know everyone in their community. They are in their 70s and their biggest problem is that they don't have any time. In fact, my sisters and I joke that we are the "bowling orphans" (my parents play lawn bowls). Their lives do not at all depend on their children or grandchildren. In fact, she hasn't said so, but I suspect my mother would be horrified if I produced a grandchild at this late stage. She's too busy.


When I was a teenager, my paternal grandmother had a stroke. It was too difficult for anyone to look after her from home (she was too heavy to lift), so she was moved into a rest home. She had 4 children, 2 fostered children (my Dad's cousins) and a slew of grandchildren. Apart from her daughters, and my Mum and Dad occasionally, she did not have that many visitors. I am not pleased to say that I didn't visit her enough. Partly it was because she was so unpleasant when I visited and put the guilts on to me. But also at the time, I was a selfish teenager. She made no effort to befriend any of the other people in the rest home. All her life her daughters had run after her (they were manipulated to do so) and she didn't feel the need to make an effort. She had a miserable time in that rest home, and a lot of it was based on feeling resentful that her family didn't visit her enough.

On the other hand, in my 20's, I moved with my first husband to another city in NZ. My Dad's cousin N (one of my grandmother's foster children) lived there. We became firm friends - she was close to 80, sparky, fun and lovely to be with. She became ill with cancer. Her daughter lived locally and her son lived in Australia. Her daughter visited, but the two were not close, and N would confide that she found her visits difficult. I visited her all the time (more often than her daughter) and we had a real laugh when I was there. She was a complete inspiration to me. One day I sneaked my neighbour's golden labrador into the hospice to visit her. I got caught but they didn't mind. I was with her almost daily until she died. I didn't often see her daughter there.

My mother has two close friends - A and H. Both are widows. I have gotten to know them. A is originally from Germany. She had no children - instead she had a hugely adventurous life full of lovers, travel, and fascinating jobs. Her sister in Germany is now dead and had no children. So A has no family at all in this country. Every time I see A she is full of life, cheeky, fun, and she has a heap of friends in her community. She's in her 80s. I've now taken to calling her on the phone occasionally and meeting her for lunch sometimes. H is lovely too, but not happy. She has 5 children and many grandchildren. She is the one I always hear complaining about being lonely. 3 of her children live in the same city. H is very dependent on A who is the initiator for her social life.

Travelling in Scotland I was honoured to meet my maternal grandmother's cousin, still alive in her 90s. She had only just stopped taking annual cruises to New York. She never had children, and also never married. She was fascinating to talk to and very sociable. Her niece lives nearby and takes true pleasure in looking out for her - taking her to church, shopping etc. But she was very independent and didn't need a lot of help.

I have two friends who are adamantly CF. I asked one, a female friend, what she will do if she finds herself alone in old age. She said straight off "Oh I've already thought of that. I'm moving into a retirement village where there are heaps of people and activities". I asked the other, a male colleague, whether he had thought about being lonely in old age. "Oh I won't be," he said "because my wife and I have so much time and energy to invest into our friendships".

I read recently about a woman in this city in her 70s who has been a well-known photographer here. Every morning she walks down to her local cafe where they all know her and what she likes for breakfast. She sits there, they chat, and she has become someone who everyone says hello to.

When I am old (but still mobile and hopefully still with my DH) here's what I plan to do:

-live in an apartment in a lively, young part of town, where we can walk to transport, cafes, grocery stores, a library, independent cinemas, bookshops and the sea. I'm not heading into the suburbs full of other retirees and I want to be able to walk everywhere. And I want to live somewhere cool, close to the city, where younger relatives and friends want to visit (that way we'll get more visitors). (DH vows he's not having a house that smells like an "old person's house")
-volunteer in an independent book store one day a week (where I get to talk to people all day long who love books too)
-find positive "seniors" forums where I can post online :-). If I can't find one I'll set one up.
-write letters to all my international friends and family
-help young struggling Mum friends with their children
-join the local environmental group
-sit in cafes and listen to the conversations of younger people (keep engaged with the community)
-have a cat (adopted from the SPCA)

When I get to the point of being in a rest home or hospital, I'm going to read all the books I never had time to read, write letters, make friends with all the people in there, and let my mind drift over all the wonderful memories of my travels, adventures, work challenges and achievements, and people I met during my lifetime. If anyone comes to visit, well, that's a bonus.

Does anyone have any other positive thoughts about growing old CF or great role models?

You've about covered it, FBGB...

FB, that was an awesome post. It's worth printing out and saving for inspiration. I'd love to hang out with someone like you when you're old, young, whatever! You are confirming my belief that people from NZ are cool.

I love your ideas. Here are some other things I'm looking forward to do when I'm old and have spare time on my hands:
�Learn to play an instrument, and hopefully get to the point where I could jam with some other old coots
�Volunteer to hold babies in the hospital maternity ward
�Learn Spanish
�Draw
�Write
�Travel
�Have animals
�Go to the library whenever I want
�Swim
There are a lot more, but I'm getting tired.

�Lecciones de espa�ol con Griz!

really frieda, if I can give anyone a head start on their retirement plans I'm all for it :P

I love your lists, I made my own when I was a young teen, for all the things I wanted to do in my lifetime, and I smile every time a look at it and cross out something else

"Does anyone have any other positive thoughts about growing old CF or great role models?"

FBGB,
I loved your post and absolutely agree with your philosophy about growing older. I too know quite a few CF people in their 80s and 90s whom I consider role models. All of them have friends of different ages and continue to pursue their passions, which of course makes them so interesting and attracts more people into their lives. Having children is certainly no guarantee of having someone to look after you when you're older. When I was a teenager, my grandmother was in a nursing home and I witnessed firsthand how many people there are in nursing homes with children who never visit them.

There was a great article the other day in The New York Times about groups of older people who have formed cooperatives in their communities to share in the cost of services they need as they age. This allows them to live at home and continue their lives as they always have. What I thought was interesting about the article is that it never mentions anyone receiving help from their adult children, even though I'm sure many of these people in the article have children.

Thanks Frieda! I love your list too. In fact, after I posted my list, I realised there were a whole lot of things I missed, but really I wanted to illustrate a point rather than bore everyone :-) But having read your list, I have to share that learning to play the violin and jamming in a little bluegrass band, finally learning to draw/paint, swimming a lot, and learning some languages are on my list too. Such a shame that I am in a different hemisphere. We could have a cool time living in the same apartment block!

Hi Greenblue

That is a really interesting point. I have read something similar recently about someone in the States who has started setting up houses where older people can be roommates (or flatmates as we call them here) with shared living, kitchen, dining facilities, and tasks/jobs/rules that they are responsible for. Also, recently I read an article in the NZ Herald about retired people on their own who are going flatting together off their own bat.

In this Western Society, children can't necessarily look after their parents. They are fighting to cope with their own demands and maybe children. It's not like we live in the little village in Thailand where I observed family networks living and working together. It just isn't like that any more.

A woman I know (she's a costume designer and I work with her in the arts world here) is gathering up a few creative people who are interested in their older years in buying apartments in the same building near the city and living semi-communally, rather than an awful retirement village in the middle of nowhere. I'm not sure how deadly serious she is, but it's a marvellous idea.

Having re-read the examples I quoted of people I know in their older years, it seems to me that one major advantage of being CF is that you naturally make more effort to build relationships and networks outside of your family group, and you don't go into old age with "expectations" that someone will look after you. It's this sort of expectation, when unfulfilled, that can breed resentment, disappointment and depression. And having been more independent during your lifetime and engaged with things outside of yourself, you naturally become a more interesting person to be with in your later years.

I, for one, am very glad that I will never suffer "Empty Nest Syndrome". I think that must be awful. I will have never been able to place that kind of dependence on my children.

I'm with Frieda. There is a long list of things I want to do when I "get old" but the nicest thing of all for me is to know that I have options. I'm looking at doing a lot of my travel in the next 10 years (40-50) because I don't want to be one of those old, gummy walker people that I see getting off a tour bus - I'd rather do my travel while I'm young and fit and can hike to the top of mountains and lug a backpack all day...

The current life plan is to get to 50, and then spend 6 months of the year temping/contracting, and six months doing a "work exchange" where I spend time working on someone's hotel/house/project somewhere in exchange for food and board. I read about it in a travel mag and thought "that's totally me". Could be anywhere in the world - a B&B in Cape Cod that needs repainting, or an orphanage in Peru that needs a new roof.

So far, I'm pretty handy around the house, and I intend to acquire some more skills to "futher my career". Anyone here good with electrical and plumbing?

Anyway, that's my life plan. It may or may not work out, but boy, it's nice to have it. Between arguing with a teenager and that - I know which I'd rather take. Hand me my boarding pass :-)

Hi I'm new here.

I've never actually considered what it would be like as CF in my golden years. I figure even if you have children there is no guarentee they will want to be with you or help you in your old age.

I worked 7 years in the food service business at retirement communities. I became close to several of the residents there and many of them never had children, or lost them to illness nad other circumstances. I can tell you that they were all perfectly happy and fulfilled. They were surrounded by their friends, and to me that is the only kind of family I need. Even the ones who had children rarley had visits from them. The residents also helped us servers a great deal by contributing money towards our scholarship fund. I would have struggled finacially a lot if it wasn't for their genorosity. I feel comforted knowing I can be fulfilled at that age without having children!

Hi Pikasam

I so know what you mean. I have already made a personal vow never to travel with a tour group on a bus - so far aged 41 I have fulfilled this and have travelled to three different continents completely independently. So I think your idea for the timing is perfect.

I love your plan! I wish I had kept an article I once read about a women in Wellington, New Zealand - she's a writer and she spends 6 months a year in India at an orphanage she helped set up and 6 months a year holed up in her quiet little apartment looking out over the harbour, reading and writing. She's in her 70s. I read that and thought "I want to be like her when I grow up!"

If we're still on this forum in our later years, I look forward to hearing more about your adventures!

FBGB