BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Step-daughter issues...help!

First of all, I am a step father of three kids, the middle a girl. The reason that I am writting in a woman website is that I wanted to get a womans point of view. My situation is this, I have a very beautiful step-daughter who just turn 14 and she is very small for her age, she looks more like 11, maybe 12 tops. Anyway, lately I have caught her in so many lies I am worried, But the shocker is that her own mother thinks I am over reacting. First, I found out she had a Myspace account, she lied to her mother and told her she didn't, but when her mother found out she did she only got very upset for lying instead of the Myspace. We later let her have one but will needed to know her password so we can monitor it. Then, twice she spent the night at her frinds house she won't answer her cell, telling us the next morning that it was dead. One time I checked the cell out and it would still have a half charge left on it. I told her mother and she got mad at me for not trusting the daughter. THEN, recently, she went over to a friends surprise party/ spend the night event. She never tells me anything I would have to hear it later from her mother what my daughter is doing. So, the next moring when I was picking her up I notice these boys leaving too? I called my wife and told her about what I just saw and said there better not have been boys that spend the night, I was extremely upset. When my daughter got into the car I questined her and she said one was a cousin who lived there and the other was his friend who spend the night. Both boys were the same age as the girls. I was giving a ride to one of her friends and when she got into the car I question her, but she tried to lie her way out of it not knowing that my daughter just told me the truth. As I was driving to drop the friend off my wife call me and ask me I knew for sure if there were boys that spend the night there, I told her that I found out the truth and everything ws confirmed. My wife wanted to tell my daughter friends parents about the boys and I told her that she needed to do that. I told the friend what my wife wanted to do and she sunk in her seat.
Later at home my wife wasn't upset like I was and after hearing everthing thought it was wrong but not a big thing. She thought the parents who threw the party shouldn't have let other boys spend the night, but that was it. I was extremly surprise. I was again the bad person in this situation. I told my daughter what could have happened and what I would done if I was one of the boys there.
I admit, in my teen years I was one of those boys that used to use girls for sex. And now I am blessed with a daughter...my nightmare for what I have done back then.
My wife told me in front of my step daughter that I over reacted. I know my daughter is a good girl and she would think twice, but I don't want her to come to that opportunity. I always wanted a daughter and she is the one I never had. I will worry about her, but it seems like her own mother is giving her too much slack. SO, from this last event, nothing was learned except that I, the step father, am the enemy.
Please let my know if I did the right thing, and opions?

Does anyone share the same feelings as I do. Or am I wrong about how I feel? Your thoughts, please.

[/quote=overkill96]Does anyone share the same feelings as I do. Or am I wrong about how I feel? Your thoughts, please.[/quote]

No, actually, when I read your letter yesterday, I had a mixture of feelings. Because I don't actually share your feelings, I hesitated writing back to you. But now that you have asked twice, I want to say a couple of things about what was said, so that you don't think we are ignoring you.

You said, "I told my daughter what could have happened and what I would done if I was one of the boys there." That would have been enough to scare me to death if I was that poor teenage girl, looking up to you as a stepfather. It probably had never occurred to her that something like that might have happened to her at her girlfriend's sleepover.

Then you said, "I admit, in my teen years I was one of those boys that used to use girls for sex." Sometimes, a person who worries too much about the present, is guilty of similar behavior in the past. Since you made the statement about YOUR past, you can't justify that she is going to be "one of those girls". So don't let your guilt affect her teenage years.

I think it is wonderful that you are concerned about your stepdaughter and want to look out for her safety, but I don't think that you should be MORE concerned than her natural mother, unless SHE is not a fit mother. Since you didn't mention that she wasn't, I assume that she is.

Since you said, "And now I am blessed with a daughter..." I know that you are proud of your role and proud of your step daughter, so I would suggest that you reconsider the stance that you took on the party. There is nothing that will make a teenager turn against everything she believes than a parent who treats them as though they have already turned "bad" o is making poor choices.

"My wife told me in front of my step daughter that I over reacted. I know my daughter is a good girl and she would think twice..." so, keep that in mind and give her the benefit of the doubt next time, and let her talk to you. THAT is the most important thing at her age. She needs to feel like she can trust you, not that you don't trust her. Good Luck.

Trish

I was giving my daughter an real-life senerio of what could have happened. These days are not as save as they were when I was growing up, where you could leave your door unlock and windows open. I don't know what you were trying to get at by my statement of "using girls for sex" but I was meaning that they are boys out there jlooking ust for one thing and it is not to making friends. I wasn't as bad as that staement sounds, but my goal was to open my daughter's eye's on what COULD HAVE HAPPENED. Plus, a month ago in my community a 12 year old girl was spending the night at her friends house and in the middle of the night the friend awake by the father of the other girl who was trying to do something unknown. He tried to coach the girl to the other room to see a movie, so to speak. She refused, of course. Well, the girl told her parents the next morning when she got home and it turned out that this father was an unregistered sex offender, and was later arrested. Now after hearing this news in my own community I have every right to be cautious with my step-daughter, even it takes scary the [censored] out of her. If my daughter grows up hating me and never loving me it will hurt, but I would know that in my heart I did the right thing by watching over her. Something that her own father never did or tried. So, to put an conclusion to this her two brothers believe I did the right thing, and in a round about way my wife is trying to live a life she never had through her own daughter...I hope not. If this reply sounded rough I apoligize but I am realy surprise on the answer I recieved.

I know that life today is nothing like it was years ago, when we were growing up and could ride our bikes through all the different neighborhoods and not have the doors of our homes locked. Yes, there are alot of sexual predators around now that we did not either know about or else we were lucky enough to not live around. "These days are not as safe as they were when I was growing up...", you said, and I agree.

I understand how worried you would be if a 12 yr. old girl in your community was spending the night at her friends house and was approached by her friend's father. That is a parent's worst nightmare. But it is also an excellent time to explain different circumstances to your daughter and warn her of certain dangers in the world today. She needs to be aware of what is out there and what to do to prevent things from happening. Using actual news stories is an excellent way to start those subjects.

When my children were young, I was constantly telling them not to play in the woods, although my brothers and I had done that many times growing up in the country when I was young. We had a young girl, about 11 or 12 who was murdered and stuffed in a drainage pipe a few blocks from where we lived, right through the same woods the year that we moved to our house. I had to be adamant to the kids NOT to play in the woods and punish them if they went there, but I did not give them all the horrible details because I felt they were too young to process it. Kids remember things from a child's point of view and we as parents have to explain things as parents should to a child, learning about the world. What I was saying about what you MIGHT have done at her age, was that you should let her have her own experiences without thinking about what you did or did not do. You need to give her credit for being smart, like you did when you said "she's a good girl and would think twice". But make sure and tell her to look out for evil people who would do her harm and also tell her how to protect herself and stay safe. Then let her prove herself to you.

That is what I was saying to you. My kids are grown now. Sometimes I wanted to "overprotect" them like you, but I found that kids today really do have good sense and most of them have good morals. If you think some of her friends don't fit into those descriptions, then you DO have something to say about that. She doesn't need to spend the night at questionable friends houses or go to parties with people you don't know or places where you don't know the parents or there won't be any parents at home. Those are very positive things that you can do to protect your daughter and show that you love her. When she is grown and has been safe and protected by your love, she will always thank you for watching out for her!

I'm sorry if what I said came across as not being compassionate or caring, but I work with kids and I really enjoy most of them. Not all boys are after girls just for "one thing". I hear alot of innocent girls tell me how their fathers believe that they do bad things. However, I will be the first to tell you that if she IS doing some bad stuff, you need to stop it before it gets too far along.

If you and your wife are not getting straight answers from your daughter and she is lying, then you need to nip it in the bud! If she is staying at a friend's house and not answering her cell phone, then at her tender age, (and as a teacher), I would say again that you need to do something about that right away. I would say that you and your wife need to sit down together first and make some new rules for her and then sit her down and go over the new rules. Otherwise, as the new school year starts she might start leaving more information and details of her life out when she talks to you. You can always take privileges away when she won't abide by your rules of honesty and letting you know where she is and when she'll be back. Kids that age love their cell phones and the computer. Taking computer privilages is a sure wake up call!

Anyway, you are right about wanting to help her and I think making sure that she is honest to you both as she enters high school is one of the best things that you can do. She is about to enter a whole new realm of new friends, peer groups, drinking and drug parties. You want her to be honest with you about what she is doing and where she is going. And you want to be able to know her friends and their parents so you feel comfortable calling to check to see how everything is going.

You are always welcome to come here and talk. This is an important, confusing, exciting, nerve-wracking age. Alot of us have been through it and alot of us are going through it. So come on back and talk some more. I hope that I have helped you and explained some of the things that didn't come across quite right at first.

Trish

I understand your view and again I hope I didn't come across too rough. My daughter is not a problem child, but I don't trust her as far as I can throw her, just because of the things she has done in the past. I am not saying that she is going arouund "hoeing" it. Her mother has a psychology degree, but she doesn't put it to work with her own kids. All she tells me is that her kids are good kids, which they are. But there is zero discipline in my home. I was rasied by the belt along with my three older brothers. I am not saying to spank the kids, but there needs to be some sort of punishment in my house so that whatever we say is gold. I total understand that her friends peer pressure will be my greatest enemy, and I don't mean every young boy alive wants sex. I don't believe in winding my daughter up and set her on her way through her teen life and witness the bumps of that life. I want to prepare her and set her up with the tools she needs to make the right decisions. Her mother keeps telling me we just need to set back and trust her, how can I with the things she has done. Taking away her cell and laptop does not phase her one bit, been there doone that. Believe me I don't want to lock up my daughter in a closet, I do want her to have a fun teen life, but things are totally different now. We have the drug "chesse" floating around here. In my days it was pot, which won't kill you. There was no such of a drug called date rape drugs in my days. I have made her watch the predator program on TV and she just says it won't happen to her. I would tell her that is what the small victims said also. I might be alittle over protective with her, but there is always the question, "What if...?"

What part of the country are you in? Some of the languge that you use and the way that you talk is a little different than I do, even though I think we are probably about the same ages. I grew up in the south (Texas) and as young children we would either get "belted or switched" sometimes, but it seems that is not something that is done anymore.

Anyway, it might make it easier for us to talk if I knew what part of the country you live in and if you are in the suburbs or rural areas.

Thanks. Trish

I was born and raised in Dallas, Texas 44 year ago. I have a degree in Computer Science from North Texas State and presently a Network Administrator for a large corporate. So, how does my grammar have anything to do on the way I raise my step-children.

Well, I didn't say that your grammar had anything to do with the way you raise your step children. I said, "What part of the country are you in? Some of the language that you use and the way that you talk is a little different than I do". I just don't understand what you mean when you use certain wording, such as, "My daughter is not a problem child, but I don't trust her as far as I can throw her, just because of the things she has done in the past. I am not saying that she is going arouund "hoeing" it." What do you mean by "hoeing" it? Where did that come from? I made no reference to anything like THAT about your daughter. So, I thought maybe you were meaning it in a different way.

You said you there is a drug called "chesse" floating around there. I am not familiar with that either. There are certain words and terms that are known more in certain regions than other areas. I just thought that might be what was happening.

You said, "Taking away her cell and laptop does not phase her one bit, been there doone that. Believe me I don't want to lock up my daughter in a closet, I do want her to have a fun teen life, but things are totally different now." I was wondering why that doesn't work with your daughter. Doesn't she miss having her cell phone and talking to her friends? How about her computer? Isn't she anxious to talk to her friends on MySpace and get her IMs? My son was ALWAYS anxious to get his privileges back when he lost them. His phone was like a part of his life, but it was MINE when he did not follow family rules. He would quickly get back on track to get his phone back. Why is it not important to her to lose privileges of her phone and computer? I know that you said that you have done it before, but just because it wasn't successful the first time, doesn't mean that it won't be the next time. Maybe there needs to be an additional privilege removed along with them, like, saying NO to parties or to the mall when she is caught in a lie. That way, you can give her back ONE of her privileges every time that you see she IS being honest and truthful to you, and when she is TRYING to follow your rules. Positive reinforcement is an excellent reward system. Following rules and being honest does not mean that she can't have a fun teen life. It only means that she will be responsible and respectable, two qualities that will stay with her all her life.

I know that you said that your wife has a psychology degree and should be thinking of these kinds of things with you. If she is not doing them, however, then it is up to YOU to introduce some suggestions to her. She WILL recognize some of the techniques, because I learned them in psych classes for education, back when I was in college at Maryland University in 1972. I honestly do wish you luck with your daughter.

Trish

Oh my god, Perhaps I'm old, (37) but I think You undderreacted!! At 14? Holy [censored], I was raised in a small town ,and there were the bad girls, but theres no excuse for that. Lying, and unsupervised co-erd sleep overs. hmm. I suggest you rent the movie "KIDS" if you want to know what goes on there. really. My daughter is 7. I don't care if she hated me, If I caught her in that situation, with no adults around, you better believe she wouldn't be leaving the house without me for a very long time. I've said this before, sure, times change, but has our DNA been altered in the past 50 years? this "oh, all the kids do it, they're more mature, blah blah blah" BULLSHIT, they're just exposed to more adult things at younger ages, and there's too many parents who are "afraid" to [censored] off thier kids, or say NO, or teach any kind of respect or morals. sure, I did some shady stuff (well over 16) , that's no reason to say it's ok for my kid. I'm sure there were a few nice teens out there, and I'd prefer mine to be one of those. I commend you, sir, and if even if "it's all innocent" how long do you think these sleepovers will stay this way, and if there was no punishment the first time, she knows she can run the show. If her mother has no plans to prevent her unlimited freedom, she ought to think about preventing a 14 yr old pregnancy. oooh, that's harsh reality. good luck!