BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Hello, new here

I just wanted to stop by and meet some of you fine ladies and gentlemen. I've only been reading your forums for a short while, but something here resonated with my own experience, and perhaps in a way you will not find common.

To start off, I'm from Mexico, where cultural differences are slight but sure. I'm 29 years old and I have a bachelor's degree in hispanic literature. I work in a middle school teaching literature, and coordinating the english department (it's a bicultural school). I'm also getting married in November. And I do plan to have children. Now, before you get turned off by this, let me state my case.

Ever since I was a teen I was hounded by people who seem intent in meddling with my affairs. First it was my cousing constantly harassing me, asking "when I was going to get fat" (they all seemed to get "pudgy" in their late teens and expected the same fate for me).

After that, I hit 25 as a happy, single woman, and a new line of harassing began. This time it was the "when are you gonna get married" bit. I even had one lady at work telling me I better hurry up or I wouldn't be able to keep up with my kids. The nerve!! I absolutely abhor this type of person, so I can understand and relate to the experiences you've had with nosy, tactless people. One girl at work five years my junior announced her happy, perfect engagement some time back, at the ripe age of 22 and then immediately mutated into this patronizing monster, telling me my "life was so easy" because I didn't have to worry about finishing college and keeping a home (your choice girly, don't talk down to me). She, of course, gave birth to a baby a month ago, at age 23.

When I announced my engagement, as you all know and have experienced personally, the topic changed, and now it's all about "when are you having a baby". Let me tell you, even when you ARE planning to have a family, it can be nothing short of grating to have people poking their noggins into your personal affairs. They tell you when to have them, how many to have, how to "space them"... I wouldn't be surprised if they start giving me tips on HOW to make them. Pathetic. I'm starting to brace myself for everyone telling me how to raise them.

In my own personal experience, I can RESPECT a person's choice not to have children. I don't even know if I'll be able to conceive or not, but it's something I look forward to. Curiously enough, it was my experience with children that changed my mind about not having any. Most people here say it works the other way, but I really enjoy every minute I spend with the kids at the school, from the kindergardeners to the high school students. I used to think I'd suck at parenting until I gave myself a chance to teach, and I know now I'll do a good job. I am also aware that the way my kids turn out will be entirely up to me and my DH, and we are going into it with a clear head and consciousness of how this will change our lives forever, but it's a job we're taking responsibly and with full understanding.

I know it's not something for everyone, it's like saying everyone could be a fireman or a linebacker or a professional chef, some people have it in them, others don't. I don't see what's so hard to understand about that. I admire you guys for living through years and years of the nonsense put out by other people and resisting the urge to beat someone silly when they patronize you and belittle your lifestyle.

I for one, just hope I can keep up with my personal hobbies and stay informed about the world at large while I raise my family. I do fear I'll become one of those monsters and catch myself being a self-righteous [censored] to some nice people, or complaining about how "hard" the life *I* chose is. I will consciously keep myself from doing it. I'll struggle not to be like my best friend, three years my junior, who got married, immediately got pregnant and has now hoisted herself up on a pedestal and talks down to everyone about their "silly little lives".

Anyway, this has been a LONG rant lol... sorry... I just hope you will accept me here as someone who might not share your exact lifestyle, but certainly respects it, and the grief you have to stand from other people because of it.

Hi Griz

I am new here too. In fact, I haven't shut up since I got here :-) , so relieved I am to find like-minded people.

I enjoyed reading your post and your observations about how people pry into others' lives. All these expectations and the thoughtless following of the flock.

The people who SHOULD be having children are the people like you - you will be bringing your children up with broad minded attitudes to life, respect and compassion for others, and the ability to appreciate and enjoy different points of view.

I wish you well on your journey.

Feebee

Griz,

You are going into your journey, having thought it out, knowing, as best as you can, your choice in life with respect for children. Even better, you show the forethought to respect those who desire, through the same thought process, not to have children. That is all that we can ask. Hopefully you will have learned from the experiences of others (in your life and on here) and take those lessons to heart from here on out, and pass on the word of understanding other people's POVs -- that seems to be a rarity nowadays.

Hello guys, and thank you for your kind words

I know what you mean about society being at an all-time low in matters of respect for others and their ideals and plans. People just don't seem to realize anymore that there is a healthy distance that needs to be set in order to coexist peacefully. People often think I'm stuck-up when they first meet me because I don't automatically start spilling the juicy details of my personal life from the getgo. when they really get to know me, at some point they always tell me how they'd got me all wrong and how happy they are to know me.

I think this society is just obsessed with "instant" everything, even friendships. The modern thought is something like, "Friendship means sharing, so tell me EVERYTHING there is to know about you in 3 hours and let's call each other friends/lovers/partners/etc." This irks me to no end. If you want my friendship you have to SHOW me you are a person of worth, who brings something positive to my life.

Needless to say, most of the know-it-alls and the sanctimonious mommies still think I'm a stuck up b*tch

If you want my friendship you have to SHOW me you are a person of worth, who brings something positive to my life.

I open up to very few people in real life. The down side is that I don't have a lot of real life friends. The good side is that the ones I do have I can trust with my life (literally).

My best friend C (next to my wife) is a woman I've known for 12+ years. She and I can (and have) talked about virtually EVERYTHING in the past in some form. Why is this unusual? I am a pure athiest (along with my wife). This woman friend is a pure Christian, living life by true, Christan beliefs and morals, thoughts, and deeds, day in and day out, along with her husband. It is a very strange dynamic between us, but it works, because we have trust that we won't evangelize to each other or hurt each other. Our friendship works because we have taken the time over the years to learn trust and caring. Real friendship conquers all...but that is another story

The "instant intimacy" can be chalked up to the "Oprahfication" of the USA. I appreciate a lot of what she's done for folks, but that's the downside.

Let the sancimonious mommies hate you. Who needs 'em?

Hi Griz,

I'm new here too!

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I respect your decision, I'm not anti-kids or anti-having kids, I'm just anti-ignorantly becoming nothing-but-breeders. You sound like a very intelligent and sensitive person, your husband and your future children are lucky to have you in their lives! I wish you well! *big hug*