BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids They ask "THAT QUESTION" in New Zealand too!

Hello everyone! I'm a 41-year-old child free woman from New Zealand, who discovered this website and forum a few nights ago, and can't believe her luck! I just wanted to introduce myself.

What a breath of fresh air and wonderful common sense. I am so thrilled to have found you all!

I'm child free probably by circumstance rather than anything else. I'm one of those people that kind of drifted into it because of my various relationship scenarios etc at the time. In fact, it's been amazing how I have always ended up with men who didn't want children. For a while there a few years back I went through a bit of a crisis about how I didn't have a family; and pndered my "bad luck" for having met the wrong men.

Now I have come to realise that I was probably drawn to those men, because deep down, I didn't want children and wasn't supposed to have them.

What has confused me over the years is the fact that I love and appreciate children, and admire and respect parents. I'm not someone who believes everyone should stop having children; and I am all for supporting parents' roles in the community. I love having different generations around, and I believe that one of the most precious things to experience is a child's friendship and trust. So I have always believed that - with these beliefs and feelings - I must have been meant to be a mother.

This forum has really clarified for me that, in fact, I wasn't. When I look back over my life, I was sub-consciously making every decision possible not to be a mother. And, I might add, I have been blessed with a really interesting and stimulating life. I work in the performing arts, I have travelled the world and lived in London and NYC, I have an incredible array of worldwide friendships which I have invested a heap of time into nurturing, and I have just celebrated my second marriage to a wonderful man I met two years ago.

Anyway, you will be interested to hear that since I got married earlier this year, I have fielded (at least once a week) questions from people about whether I am planning to have children. And in two recent scenarios with people I had only just met, I was actually given a lecture or advice!!

In scenario one, I attended a dinner party at my sister's house, where she invited a bunch of her female friends to meet each other. One of the women at the other end of the table was talking about how she had recently started her own business. Because I am thinking about doing that myself, and I thought she sounded like a really interesting person, I made an effort to go and talk to her.

Well, lo and behold, the subject moved immediately off her business and onto whether (now that I had married) I was planning to have children. That week I had concocted a new standard reply, which had worked on a few people (making them blush and shut up). So I used this on her - "Well, I'm 41 now, so it's not a given."

That didn't stop her - all it did was open the floodgates to a story about her sister who was 42 and had managed to have a baby, and a lecture about all the medical advances. Then she went on to tell me how much she (at 48) regrets her decision, yadda yadda. As soon as I could, I excused myself and extricated myself from her. I hope that she understood that I was voting with my feet.

The second scenario was meeting a new colleague from another arts organsation. We agreed to meet for the first time over coffee. She had recently moved to this country, she told me, with her husband and 9-year-old son. She is 41 as well. Being friendly and open, I shared that I was about to get married, and that my husband-to-be had a 20 year old son. Blow me down if she didn't come straight out and ask whether my fiance was prepared to have another child. Given that this was on the whole a business discussion, with a little bit of friendly chit chat, I was completely taken aback. I became flustered and on the back foot and responded with: "we're still discussing that at this stage". Well, then she told me that she "wouldn't have married her husband if he refused to have children". !!!!!!!!! Insinuating between the lines that I should think about this marriage very carefully!

I said nothing and we started to walk away from the cafe. Off she goes again:"I have to say having a child is one of the most magical things you can ever do". I just said "I have no doubt that it is" and left it at that. (I mean, I DO have no doubt that it is - I just don't need to do it myself!) I was fuming, and went back to my wonderful 70-year-old male CF Board member who works in our office and ranted. He said "you should have asked her why she only had one, if it's that magical". Can you imagine if I was really trying to have children, how that would make me feel? The insensitivity is incredible.

A bit more about the board member - he has never married and his favourite expression is "he travels fastest who travels alone". He's a real independent spirit and quite an inspiration.

My exuberant colleague, by the way, several months later was telling me in another context what a "slog" she was finding her life to be lately.

Anyway, there is SO much to share and tell you about my journey and stories, but it will have to leak out in bits as I start to respond to various posts.

I'm just SO glad to have found you all. You are all wonderful people (I've been reading your posts and articles for the last few evenings...)

And, PS... I have HEAPS of friends here who are CF and very very inspiring. I'll tell you more about them all one day...

Welcome! I found this forum a few months ago, and I'm hooked. It has helped me so much. I always knew I didn't want kids, but didn't know others felt the same, that there were online communities for the childfree, or that there was a term for it - CF.

I get the question pretty often, too. And, like you, I tried to come up with a standard response to end the conversation. But it seems like it depends on who you are talking to. I guess I'm puzzled as to why people are encouraging you, at 41, to have kids. I know that lots of people do this now, but it's really risky. I am almost 36, and think it's weird that people encourage me, too.

I think if I were you I might be tempted to tell the inquisitive person that having a child past the age of 35 is extremely risky. I plan on getting more and more vocal as I get older and field the question. Good luck!

People are the same the world over. :-) Just because you live at the bottom of the world doesn't save you!

So where in New Zealand are you living? I'm an Auckland girl who moved to Canada five years ago to travel and snowboard - having a blast so far!! Welcome to the board!!

FeeBee,

Welcome!

I'm 41 too, and work in the arts (I'm a musician and a high school music teacher at a private school here in New Hampshire). Since my circle is primarily musicians and teachers, both of which groups tend to have fewer children than average, I have more CF folks in my life than most. I also organizer a CF meetup through meetup.com, so I've got a group of about 100 real-life CF pals in addition to all of the wonderful CF folks I know online.

I used to get all kinds of unwelcome conversations, but no more. I think people can sense when your "public comment period" (if there ever was one!!!) is well and truly closed. If anyone dared to take a business conversation and and turn it on its head, as in your situation, rejoinders like

"Well, thanks for your input. Now, about that proposal? Let's look at the budget again."

"Wow, that's an awfully personal question." (This is the Miss Manners Gold Standard for rude, overly-personal questions). Repeat as necessary.

and the classic:

"Gee, look at the time. Gotta be somewhere!"

None of them give any traction whatsoeve to their arguments or questions, which is precisely what these nosey parkers deserve.

Welcome, FeeBee!

Elise

Welcome FB!

I too was extremelly relieved to find this forum last March (by fluke, really, as I was googling: not wantiing children, etc and did not know that CF forums or sites existed! It's not like I could speak to all my "mommy" friends about it! LOL)

I am 41 and I was really agonising about my decision and thought I was alone in the world (well, it seemed like it at the time). I even started seeing a therapist because I thought something was wrong with me (not having maternal instincts).

This forum has been my saving grace. I also ordered some CF books (Happy to be ChildFree, amongst many mentionned by others on this site).

The wonderful, thoughtful, intelligent people of this forum have given me the strength to be asserive with myself and others about my CF stance.

A weight has been lifted and I can now focus my energies on other things far more important to me.

Looking forward to reading you!

PG

Welcome, feebee! I'm glad you found us! I'm yet another who didn't know I wasn't the only woman out there without the maternal instinct until I stumbled onto this board. You have found a great place for support, venting, insightful conversation, etc. The MNK forum is full of great people who are glad to count you among them!

Keep reading through our current and previous threads. You'll see dozens of possible responses to the harassment you're receiving. You'll find your own voice and your own perfect response in time.

I have to jump in here. Am also new to the board, having found it in a fit of frustration. Background about me? I am a teacher, come from a large, close and happy family, am married to a great guy from a large, close and happy family and there are tons of kids in our lives. When we got married, we assumed we'd have kids. Not because we wanted them, but because we didn't get that we didn't. The longer we came up not pg, the more we realized we were relieved. However, still wanted to get to the bottom of things. So. Found out that it is DH who can't have kids. Has a rare birth defect and doesn't make sperm.

It took about 2 years to make sure we were really being honest with each other about the relief. He still feels guilty - a side effect of infertility, I think - but we are good with it. Talked about donor - yuck. Talked about adoption - doesn't fit. We are content and happy although, occasionally, some sadness sneaks in.

Like the day I found this board.

My closest friends from college are fabulous, smart and talented women. There are 7 of us in strong marriages, doing well with interesting jobs and things were great. Then, about 5 years ago, they started having kids and giving up their jobs. Now every single one of them has at least 2 kids under the age of 5. So, no one calls. No one is available to do anything. No one can answer the phone without shouting directions to their kids while I pull the phone away from my ear.

I don't dislike kids - I'm actually pretty passionate about the well-being of kids in all areas of life. They are cool. (Though so is my house after spending a day with kids...so tidy, so quiet, so not-sticky.) It bugs the hell out of me that I am forgotten, though. I've tried to invite myself on play-dates, I try to be interested in diaper costs, consignment stores, mashed up organic food and mini-van accessories. Then, when I try to participate in conversations, no interest. I've been joking that my friends are all on hiatus, but how long am I supposed to put up with it?

It took a mourning period to deal with infertility - certainly. We've emerged - strong and happy. I realize now I'm mourning my friends. Given the large families and the emersion in school - there are no childfree people in our lives. We attended a picnic with these college friends a couple of weeks ago. Took a picture with the 15 kids (all under 5) and the 8 women. All know my situation, no one asked about what's been going on in my life lately.

All this to say - how nice it is to know that there are people out there with no kids and who are happy about it. Who knew?

So, welcome from New Zealand, hi from Portland. Be my friend?

I've been joking that my friends are all on hiatus, but how long am I supposed to put up with it?

If you say in touch with them, by the time their kids are in middle school (age 11 to 14 or so), they'll start calling you again --- to lean on you about how out-of-touch and disconnected from real adult life they are. If you're feeling magnanimous, you might get your friends back then. But you'd be completely justified in having found some new friends, too.

It took a mourning period to deal with infertility - certainly. We've emerged - strong and happy. I realize now I'm mourning my friends. Given the large families and the emersion in school - there are no childfree people in our lives.

All this to say - how nice it is to know that there are people out there with no kids and who are happy about it. Who knew?

If you live in Portland, as your profile asserts, there is no reason for you not to have CF folks in your life! Although Portland is known as a very crunchy-earthmomma city, there is hope! "Childfree and Happy in the Rose City", the second largest childfree meetup (through meetup.com) in the nation at nearly 150 members, is there!

BellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!

Hello everyone!

Thank you SO much for your responses, and yes - it is so weird that people who know my age are encouraging me to have children. It's because of all these magazine stories about people who have children at 40-plus and how it transforms their (previously empty) lives.

The other thing with me is that I look young for my age. (Maybe because I'm CF??!) So I think when people first ask me, their presumption is that I am early 30's. That's why I brought in the "well, I'm 41 now, so it's not a given" one, which worked a treat on a couple of people, I must say. Watch them blush :-)

But, as you say, and as I have found out, it just makes some people worse (ie medical advances, "I knew someone who had one at 45", etc). In fact, it is amazing how many people tell me "you still have plenty of time".!

I have to say that this has been something that has really wearied me. I have come home and ranted to my husband some nights about how I can't go ANYWHERE without being asked. Of course nobody ever asks him!

I did take a look through the forum and I loved all of your suggestions. I did especially like "Why do you want to know?". On Sunday my husband and I came up with this one: "Do you know, I get asked that question at least once a week. I find it incredible. Tell me, why do you think everyone feels the need to ask such a personal question?"

But maybe the best thing to say is "We have decided not to have children." Fullstop. The thing is, I have to confess, I've been going through grieving too, so I haven't yet been ready (until maybe the last couple of months) to flat out say "I don't choose to". Because a part of me would have had a child in the right circumstances at the right time and I've spent the last couple of years coming to terms with the fact that I won't. And that's OK.

But I have ALWAYS felt that it is not a be-all and end-all and I have ALWAYS seen a possible life where I didn't have children. And I have never made having children the first priority EVER and as Kim says in her articles, if you are not 100% sure, you should not have them. And I never was 100% sure.

This website and forum have come to me at just the right time. ("When the student is ready, the teacher appears")

Here's another point that gets me. Of all these people trying to persuade me to have children at 41 EVER think about the potential child? IF s/he was healthy, s/he would grow up without siblings, with older tired parents (and trust me, I'd be tired) and no cousins their own age. When they were aged 20 their mother would be 62 and their father would be 70 and they'd scarcely be in to adulthood before their parents were elderly and needed looking after. Because I forgot to add that DH (does that stand for Dear Husband??) is nearly 50. Is that really so fun for the child?

Yes, I will be all your friends!! And for my fellow New Zealander, I live in Auckland at the moment.

I've been writing in my notebook in spare moments, a little piece about growing old childfree. I'll post it soon. I have examples to dispel the myths of loneliness!

Love, FeebeeGeebee

Thanks for the link to the group in Portland. It is where I live - I've never been in a place to go hunting for people with this aspect in common.

It is funny how the right things present themselves at the right time in life. What a mystery - what a journey.

I am a literacy coach - which means I work in an elementary school (2, actually) providing professional development for teachers in the areas of reading and writing from grades K-5. I do teacher trainings, lead group discussions about the best ways to teach kids who present challenges and problem solve with individual teachers about new/better/different instructional strategies.

My efforts are focused on kids for whom learning is difficult. Root causes are soooo often caused by people who have no business having kids. (Overstatement, but I am prone to exaggeration, just so you know.) It is crucial that kids are welcome, loved, and taught basic things early. I could go on and on about basic things - but they span from how to pick up toys to recognizing the letters of the alphabet by age 3. Brains that young deserve it all.

Colossal job. I don't want it, but I sure respect it...when done well.