BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids As you get older...

I am almost 40, the age of midlife crisis, contemplation, affirmation, and realization that 40 is a lot younger than you ever thought. I am happier and more secure every day in my decision to be childfree. If anyone is around my age, are you feeling ok with your decision, still making your decision, or feeling any regrets/doubts as you approach this milestone birthday?

I'm 37 (40 is looming) and I think the older I get, the more secure in my childfree decision I get! I couldn't imagine starting to care for a baby at my age, and then raising it through my 40s and 50s! A friend of mine is pregnant at 36 right now and I just couldn't see putting myself in that position!

I love having my time to myself, to spend with my husband, friends, or just on my own if I want! I was telling some coworkers the other night how I had the house to myself for an evening (pretty common since my husband has some evening commitments a couple times a week) and they were jealous! With their kids and grandkids, they don't get that luxury often!

Cindy

I'm 40 (just turned 40 on the 3rd), and my wife is 47. As far as wavering on children, we never did.

But, if you do the math, you will most definitely NOT want to have a child, say, at 37 or 38.

When that child graduates from HS (if he does), you will be 56 years old. Graduating from college (assuming the 4 year plan...) you'll be 62.

At the exact same time when retirement is coming up for you, you have to worry about college tuition! If the thought of chasing after a child in your late 20's or early 30's scares you, think of trying to do that in your mid 40's! Not a pretty thought, indeed. Assuming that these children do have children in their early 20's (and aren't CF or delaying for a career) you'll have infant grandchildren when you are approaching the late 60's, early 70's... or LATER!

The math does not look good, if you ask me.

However, if someone wants to do that after thinking, then that's ok for me. But, odds are, most women don't think about the realities... methinks they are listening to their "friends and family" inspired clock.

That's my "real life" look on having children in your mid to late 30's.

I'm 43 and zero regrets! The older I get, the more thankful I am. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up but I think it's more of a journey than a destination. I'm able to travel, sleep late, spend my money on ME and my loved ones ( dog and b/f).

I am certainly more happy and comfortable with myself as a person than in my 20s or 30s. I don't have a perfect body AND IT'S OKAY!!
I just need to start taking better care of myself i.e. eat healthier. Now I have menopause to look forward to....joy.

I am the same age as Cindy and feel exactly like she does. I wouldn't reverse my vasectomy for a million dollars! I find myself on the internet dating scene again after a 2 year relationship ended. For every gal I contact, I hit the "remove from search" button on 5 or 6 women that have or want kids. I do notice that more women are openly stating their CF stance compared to 3 years ago when I last searched on internet dating sites.

Here is a nice quote from Jerry Steinberg, founding non-father of No Kidding!

I discovered that very little can truncate a first date faster than the answer "None" to the question "How many kids do you want to have?" if the questioner wants children. Also, I found that my interest in any woman fizzled the moment I learned that she either had kids or planned to. After age thirty, it was next to impossible to find single women who didn't already have, or who didn't plan to have, children.

I was married for five years, until my wife decided that she wanted children after all, and we reluctantly went our separate ways. We respected each other enough not to try to prevail upon the other; we also knew that if one succeeded in convincing the other, it would probably result in dissatisfaction with the life that one had been forced into, and animosity against the other. She has since remarried and is the happy, but busy, mother of two; and we are still good friends. I, too, have remarried, and my wife and I have a cat and three dogs. I guess people who can't have pets have kids (hey, just kidding!).

Sharon and I were able to find a compromise on every issue that arose -- whether it was which restaurant we would go to, which car we would buy, or where we would live. Unfortunately, the issue of children offers no compromise. One would have been too many for me, and none wouldn't have been enough for her.

41 here. It gets easier every day. My first husband (with whom I split due to his alcohol use, not CF reasons) was childfree, but my second husband got a vas years before I even met him.

We are looking after each other, not looking over our shoulder saying "what if...". It's a nice place to be.

I discovered that very little can truncate a first date faster than the answer "None" to the question "How many kids do you want to have?" if the questioner wants children. Also, I found that my interest in any woman fizzled the moment I learned that she either had kids or planned to. After age thirty, it was next to impossible to find single women who didn't already have, or who didn't plan to have, children.

When I did my search, I was 26-27 (back in 1995ish). Online searching were still new. I went to the AOL Chat rooms. At the time, they weren't as trashy as they are now..ick! Anyways, I got to be good online friends with a lot of women. Secretly, I started paring down the list of people who were online friends, asking/finding out their desires for children, religion, etc. That is how I whittled down 15+ good friends down to two women who fit my profile at the time. I'm married now to one, and the other is still a very good friend to this day, 12+ years later. If you think finding a childfree atheist woman is hard in 2007, think about searching for that one in a million combination back in 1995! Not fun, but I did find someone, and I am so happy Yay!

Happy hunting, Mike!

I found very little problem finding CF men when I was dating after my first marriage ('01 - '02). It just took awhile to find the *right* one (actually, he found me --- very odd, since I was very proactive about my search!).

Hi Selkie,

I'm 41 and like you I'm very happy and secure about my decision to be CF. I did go through a phase at age 37 when I questioned my CF instincts and considered having a child. Before that I never had any interest in having kids, but with so many people around me having babies and telling me how wonderful it was (this was pre-truemomconfessions, so I believed everyone!), I found myself worrying that I would miss out on this great life experience. Also, at age 37 I realized that having a baby wouldn't be an option for much longer and that bothered me.

Anyway, after much soul searching I came to the conclusion that motherhood wasn't my "calling". I also came to the realization that there is no perfect decision, no right or wrong path in life. Whatever road you take . . . . well, you're going to miss out on that other road you didn't take. This is life. All you can do is know yourself and try to make the best decision. Once I accepted that, it was smooth sailing from there. I've never looked back.

As for regrets, I could never understand the reasoning behind doing something you don't want because you worry you might regret not doing it. I feel that people regret not doing the things they want, not the things they don't want.

I love being the age I am now. I feel like I've gotten the midlife crisis "what am I doing with my life" thing out of the way at a much earlier age than non-CFs. That to me is one of the major benefits of being CF - you're forced to do a lot of thinking early on.

Not much to say here that hasn't been said.

I'm creeping up on 37 and feel more confident than ever. I've pretty much figured out what I want to be when I 'grow up' and am really enjoying exploring the opportunities that come my way. Like greenblue, I've realized parenting isn't my calling. There's just no way I could be doing all the things I do now and be a parent on top of it, not to mention being an adequate parent!