BellaOnline Forums Family Daughters adult daughter and a delimna

I have a delima here i meet a most wonderful man i am going to marry the problem is my oldest daughter who is 23 and does not live home actually lives in another state does not like him. she thinks i am chooseing him over her and that is not true at all i love them both and want them both in my life. well she gave me an ultimatium its either him or her and i feel that is so unfair to me..i was a single parent to my daughter and did my very best for her i gave her all i had and then some..i also have some family member interfering and feeding her mind and they do not even know my fiance..I love my daughter with all my heart and it is killing me insdie she is not speaking to me and the way i feel is if she was to fall in love with someone i do not care for i would tell her as long as he makes you happy and does not hurt you then i am happy for you..but the way when i went back with her father she did the same thing to me by making me choose and i have to say she made life a living hell until she won and i left him and she was a teenager then..i guess what i am asking should i give into her ultinatums or should i just take the chance that things will get better between us i love her and i do not want to lose her but also i feel she should not be giving me ultinatiums..its just all so heart breaking to me

Wow, was my first reaction to your post. It's hard to tell who is the parent. Obviously, you have spoiled your daughter immensely and she knows how to manipulate you to get what she wants. You need to go out today and by the book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud, you need to read it ASAP. It may even be at your local library. Remember you are the parent. As a rule, I never give in to ultimatums, it immediately gives the other person power over you, and lays the foundation for them to manipulate you in the future. I don't know how she made your life hell before, but she could only do what you allowed and accepted.

You are the parent.

She is the daughter.

It is not her choice who you marry. Of course you want her to be happy with the man you chose to spend your life with but ultimately, this is between you and him. You will be living with him and loving him. NOT YOUR DAUGHTER.

Don't EVER give in to ultimatums. They do nothing other than teach your daughter she has control over you and you will do anything she wants if she threatens you enough. That needs to stop. She is an adult and so are you.

Marry the guy, love him and start standing up for yourself. You are not a doormat.

I think it is extremely sad that she is doing that to you. She is an adult and has her own life to lead, it's not like she has to live with him; and she shouldn't have a say in your personal life anyway.

I have a cousin whose mission in life as a teenager was to break up her father and her step mother. She won. Today is now almost 4 years later and guess what? Her dad is alone, she is now 20 and living with a boyfriend, both her brothers live with their mother and in and end everyone had to go through a long and terrible divorce because of it. No one won. So why let the child manipulate the situation like that?

Dez

I'm guessing she feels threatened in some way and is behaving like she did as a teen when you got back together with her dad. Since it worked for her then, she's repeating the behavior.

You can't change her behavior. What you do have control over is your reaction to her behavior. Considering she lives on her own, I don't think she has a lot of leverage. She also has no right to be issuing ultimatums. They hold power only if you let them.

I think you know what the right answer is. There is no need for you to choose one relationship over the other.

If I were you, I would tell your daughter that you love her, but you are not going to choose between her and your fiance.

((hugs))
Jen

Hi,

All the advice above is good and boils down to one fundamental issue: your children go off to make their own lives, and you have a life of your own to live. Your husband/partner is your choice and will always be with you. Choose wisely and hope your daughter grows up one day. Be happy and have a wonderful life.