BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting My DH kicked out my kids

Am i a bad mom. I feel so horrible. I am sure my boys think I am a horrible mom. My 20 year old son is now living with two room mates. My 17 year old son lives with his dad now who is an exdrug addict and convict. My dh and my 17 year old never got along and it came to the point where he had to leave or there would be a phyical confrontation. My 20 yr son basically was forced the dorms. I miss them and love them but they never call me any more. I have a 17 month old son with my dh he is so precious. I am so sad and hurt.

I'm so sorry to hear about your dilemma. I was in the same position many times, and I chose my son over my husband every time. My son is now 21, but this went on from the time my son turned 15 or so.

Once my husband and I had a mutual child (17 month old now), I do admit that I hesitated, but still my parental insticts took over and I had to come to grips and accept the fact that my children from my first marriage do not have the luxury of going to their dad's house (he is also a drug addict and violent and it's just plain dangerous for them to live with him). I'm really all they have.

Guess what? My husband suprised me. He told me that he knew that I had to make my decisions as a mom first. He didn't agree, but basically chose to cooperate because of our mutual son. He even made an effort to repair the relationships rather that cause problems with his "cold shoulder" treatment.
Try to talk with your husband. Tell him that as a mom you are still repsonible for the 17 year old legally and morally. It's hard, but I can't imagine you suffering like this for much longer.

Excellent advice. I was going to say the same thing.

The 20 year old - well, it is not necessarily a bad thing that he is learning independence and how to live on his own. Dorms are good practice for "real life".

But your 17 year old, to put him in a place where he is physically endangered (a drug abusing father) - that is negligence. Your husband needs to accept the fact that this is your child, and you have to take care of him. He knew you had children when you 2 got married, this should have been something he was prepared to deal with.

There are many counselors, churches, social groups, etc that offer family counseling specifically geared towards blended families. You could either ask your son's school counselor for a referral, or just do a Google search for your area.

Good luck!

Michelle, I couldn't of said it any better!

I am finding out that being a step parent is one of the hardest things I have done in my life. I have a 22 yr.old step daughter who lives with us and 32 yr. old and 30 yr. who had their own lives and families. I have 3 adult children of my own who had their own lives and families. Sometimes it is hard juggling family commitments; but so far we are doing ok. We've had our ups and downs; my middle son didn't accept my now husband too well. What made it easier..he did not live with us. But, 2 years later, he now sees that I am happy and content. I think the biggest issue with all of them is change.
The 22 yr. old is the most challenging..her mom died when she was 14 and since then everyone including me at times has made excuses for her. I didn' want to uproot her from home, so I moved in here..bad mistake on my part. I am a little tougher than my hubby. When I had enough,,,I had enough...and I still did not make her move out. I would't want my hubby to do that to my child. But, what I have done is set my boundaries and stick to them.
But, to put a 17 yr. old in harms way..is not the right thing to do. I agree,,there are many resources and people do understand and have been thru the same things. You are not alone.
Sundancer
www.msgembroidery.com

My DH is not the father of either of my sons (26 and 12) and I do not have the luxury of them going to their biological fathers either. Not trying to point fingers but my children come first period, which is why I married my husband to begin with, he really understood this and I feel very lucky about that. Yes there were fights with the older one at first but I felt that if we were going to make this family work we had to treat it just like that so I "schooled" my husband alot (he has no children)and I would tell him what is acceptable and not acceptable so that if an issue came up and I wasn't home he knew what to do....For example if my older son had not done homework then he could not go to friends and yes my older son would try to pull fast ones so I had to let my husband know how to get around that etc.
Even though my husband is not the biological father, he is their Dad in every way and he spoils both of them. I know being the step parent can be hard but I think if both adults make the rules about the children ahead of time, this sort of helps to avoid fights.

I do not have children of my own but I was a Therapeutic Foster Care Provider for troubled teenagers with health issues for a few years and I can say one thing here--sometimes it is not always the step parent's fault. Sometimes the problem is the step child.

Why didn't the 17 yr old get along with your new husband? Because of the husband or because the 17 yr old thot he has some right to dictate how you choose to live your life?

Also the OP says that the 17 yr old moved in with a FORMER drug addict/convict--it does not specifically mention that this is dangerous, just not preferable to having the child stay with the mother. Some of the best people in the world are former addicts and those who have gotten into trouble and made changes in their lives. Perhaps if this 17 yr old is a rebellious personality the best place for him to be would be with a father who can relate and offer some role-modeling. And this is not a child like a 10 yr old, this is a grown child only a year away from being considered legally responsible. It may turn out to be the best thing for him.

I would guess that in a little while the communication will come back, maybe everyone just needed to take a breather and get away from each other--it happened like this with my fosters. The first year there was limited contact and communication with the parents. It may be the process this particular child has of individuating, finally growing up.

You have a different role in your adult children's lives now than when they were dependent on you. You still have one dependent on you---this might make it more difficult to separate the two roles you will be playing. But I say be there for them when they finally decide that mom is OK and things could have been worse. It will happen.

In the meantime--pay attention to your husband and younger child and trust you did a good enough job with the older ones to let them go on to the next stage in their lives--well equipt by you.

Ravyn