BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development Healthy Boundaries

A few of us were talking in another thread about relationships that go badly, and i remembered how important it is to be clear on what our boundaries are, and what are reasonable expectations for your partner's behavior.

I thought we might share with each other our thoughts and discuss it here, so we all might become more clear on what our personal boundaries are, and what is and isn't healthy behavior in a relationship.


...it was several years ago now that i saw a list of ten "rights" everyone has in a relationship. I've tried Googling for it, but i haven't found it again, but i remember some of them, and if anyone else has has the complete list, would you post it here, please?

I remember:

The right to pick your friends.

The right to spend some money the way you choose.

The right to refuse sex.

The right to express your opinions (i would add, provided they aren't expressed in an abusive manner).


...i'll post more when i remember them.

Anyway... what do you think? What healthy boundaries should we have in all our relationships?

Great idea!

I'll wait and see what others write first. I'm not real good at boundaries and hope to learn much from this new thread.

Thanks Hollyelise!

AF

I believe everyone in a relationship should have the right to be treated with respect even at the worst of times. At what point do you draw the line? Do you think this line changes? If you think it does, how does anyone ever know for certain where this line is? If our boundaries are too rigid, do we not run the risk of missing someone or something special 'cuz we never gave it the chance to get close enough?

Well, let's think...

We may feel we don't know what boundaries we should keep, but i bet we can figure them out if we just reflect back to some of the things that happened in our relationships that messed us up or made us miserable!

Like:

Being on the receiving end of constant criticism, particularly when there was no way to please.

Our partner setting rules for us that they were not also willing to live by (the opposite of what is good for the goose is good for the gander).

Our partner being irresponsible with money to the point where the household is in financial crisis.

Addictions, alcoholism, gambling addiction, sexual addiction, etc.

Being threatened by our partner.


...come on, everyone, let's add to the list and then we'll figure out some reasonable boundaries!

I remember reading in one of the verbal abuse books that in general, verbal and mental abuse is stuff that is repeated. I thought this was very interesting. It explained that everyone can make mistakes in relationships but the question is, do they learn from their mistakes? If in anger, you say something terrible to your partner and they let you know how hurt they are by it... does that make you not say it again, or do you repeat it? ...and that is what differentiates an ordinary, fallable human being from an abuser.

What other boundaries might we suggest?

Or what about ways we've been hurt where we might want a boundary in the future? Any suggestions?

I'd like my boundaries regarding privacy to be respected by a partner. Give and take too in the relationship.

I also have a 'thing' about truth. I prefer to hear a painful truth than a lie that is intended to keep me from being hurt. I have found that learning the truth down the track is far more painful.

AF.

I do not want my boundary of respect breached.

I also find it important to have privacy and respect.

I used to be a completely open person. For most of my marriage we trusted eachother. I could for instance, leave my journal out and know he would not read it. Likewise i trusted him and respected his privacy. You want that in a relationship... to be able to trust eachother and not worry. But when he became ill, he became paranoid and began violating my privacy. My friends first noticed it. I am an honest person so i didn't think of it, and i would tell him if i were meeting someone who i was meeting and where as usual, and how long i would be. But my friends noticed he started checking up on me. He'd make excuses to appear when i was meeting R for lunch or helping S & J paint an office. They thought his behavior was odd. Later, he started reading my journal in order to manipulate me, and he hacked into my computer to read correspondence.

As he got worse, he would tell me who of my friends i was not to see anymore. And i did not know until later... that he began telling my friends lies about what i had done and said against them. He also told me lies... negative things they were supposedly saying behind my back about me. This is typical of someone who is trying to control you. They don't want you to have independent friends. They are trying to isolate you.

I know now there has to be trust in a relationship and that it must go both ways. When there is not trust, it is time to set it back on track immediately or end it before it gets worse.

Relationship sans trust is zero.

And yet, many people stay in relationships without trust.

So how can we turn this into boundaries?