BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids fuming over e-mail from MIL

You've got a lot of good comments, so I won't repeat them... But one thing that sticks out in my mind is: If your parents can't get custody of your nephew, what on earth makes your MIL think your sister would just give him to you? That's just really out of touch with reality.

I hope everything works out in your family drama... both sides.

Happy,

I am sooooo sorry that you have to go through this. The rest of the family is so FUBAR that they can't do anything but follow the motto: "Misery loves company -- and you are invited." I know families where something like this has split the family in two, isolating the people who want to impose their will over the entire family. The compromise that brought them back was that "We will NEVER talk about this again." It is a truly sad state, but communication may need to be cut off with the MIL and that part of the family if they keep pushing this point.

Drastic, yes -- but you will be drawn into the cesspool of their immaturity and be as miserable as they are if you LET THEM. Yes, we all want happiness for everyone, but can you spread happiness and support if you are under an undue burden? I don't think that is very likely.

Sometimes it takes people being "at the bottom" and totally desperate before anyone will be able to learn and change their behaviours -- and it sounds like no one in that part of the family has learned anything.

I may be wrong -- if so, I can take as well as I can give. That is how we learn. And, it looks like that part of that family is about to get a great opportunity to learn.

Blunt, but not because I like to be....

Duane

Hi everyone, and thanks again. I have been trying to process this weird e-mail all day long, and there is just so much that's wrong with it. Her response to my fiance's return e-mail was just "NO PROBLEM" in all caps. She proposed this elaborate plan for my family to follow, and even said at the end of her e-mail, "love you no matter what," and that's her response? Did she honestly think this was a viable plan, and that my family would all go along with it just b/c she suggested it?

My fiance did talk to his Mom after he sent her the e-mail, and told her how out of line she was. And he warned her that if she keeps it up, I might "get in her face." He said she doesn't get how inappropriate she was.

Plus, she knows I don't want kids. So I feel like her suggestion that I adopt my nephew is almost like a shot or something. If I don't want my own kids, why would I adopt my nephew? My sister, and my parents would never go along with this idea anyway. AND, to someone else's comment above, this is the same sister that talked about having another child. Yes, she's involved in a custody battle with my parents, but doesn't want to care for her own son. She just wants to "win." And I think she will probably have another one just to show they can't take it away from her and so she can feel like she has some power. So maybe I should just wait for my sister to get pregnant again, and adopt that child, too? LOL

I love how she suggested I pay off my sister's legal fees, too. Excuse me, I think I can decide what I want to do with my own money. I worked hard for it, and would never spend to bail my sister out of the mess she's made of her life. Ooh, I'm furious. How dare she suggest I spend the rest of my life, and my life savings taking on someone else's responsibilities?

I also don't like her saying my nephew will feel abandoned by us. I've always wanted to move somewhere warm, and I actually surrendered that idea a little bit when my nephew was born b/c I liked spending time with him. But he's getting older now, and I have to admit it's a factor when I think about moving away. It's a major factor. But I also don't know how the custody thing will play out, and I might not get to see him as much anyway. Plus, when they get into their teens, they don't want to hang out with their aunts/uncles as much. It just makes more sense now that he's older.

Per Duane's comment - I don't think MIL =ill continue to bug me about this. It's just so presumptuous, though. Like she thinks I want her to tell me what to do with the next 20 years of my life. I think in some ways she's testing me and my fiance, to see if she can boss us around.

I thought about responding to her e-mail myself, and telling her that since she has so much time on her hands to worry about what everyone else is doing, maybe she could volunteer to be a foster parent. Since she thinks it's just a given that women should take care of other women's children. I know she's really bitter about her own life choices, and I think she resents the fact that I won't get stuck parenting.

My nephew has some behavioral problems - I think some of it is genetic, and some of it is from the horrible way my sister has raised and treated him. It's really sad. He's been through a lot. And he is going to be a nightmare, I predict, when he gets to be a teenager, just like his Mom. And I would NEVER take that on. That shouldn't be my hell to suffer through.

The OTHER thing that's annoying about her e-mail is that she says it would be 15 years, but worth it. How the HELL does she know it would be worth it to me? It wouldn't work out, b/c my nephew would know my fiance and I wanted to do something else with our lives.

Sorry for the rant! She's really an @sshole!

Yeah, my sister would never give up my nephew, and my parents wouldn't either. I am amazed that the courts are so lenient with bad parents. The courts almost always decide in favor of the parent. And, believe me, we have a lot on my sister.

I was the only one that said my sister should give her baby up for adoption when she was pregnant. Everyone else thought it would be great. I was thinking about what was best for the "child," not for myself, and whether or not I wanted a nephew. I love him now, but if I never met him, it would have been different and probably much better for him. My mom had sappy thoughts about being a grandmother. And believe me, she's so much more than a grandmother. The last couple of years have been HELL - constant fighting and anguish over childcare, and my sister constantly dumping my nephew on my parents. When they try to say no, she plays manipulative games. She's a very sick person.

My nephew has also brought a lot of joy to our lives, and it's certainly not his fault at all. But I firmly believe when someone doesn't want to be a parent, they shouldn't be one. My sister's alcohol and drug issues make it impossible for her to get it together. No child should have to live the hard life he has had.

Now, that my sister is talking about having another child, they have all said that they will just not meet the new child (if it happens) so they don't get roped in emotionally. What a mess! Now you know why I want to move!

I'm sure your sister would appreciate it just as much if you MIL paid her legal fees for her

I say move where you want, when you want and how you want. Three hours is still a pretty decent buffer. And it seems you are both good at establishing your boundaries.

Also, H2B...

As your wedding approaches, this is the time for you and your fiance to be drawing the line in terms of your boundaries. Don't wait...it won't get easier if you do!

This comment is especially rude because she has never met either of my sisters. I can say something like that about my sister, but who the HELL is she to say something like that about her? And I'm sure that would be wonderful for my nephew, too, if his mother gets even worse than she is already.

My sentiments exactly! She is retired, and is constantly spending her money on really odd things because she doesn't have anything else to do. We are going to go through with the move if all goes well. We've already talked about how we are going to handle them visiting us. I told my fiance they can't be in our house when we aren't home. In other words, they can't visit for days, when we are going to be at work. And I will tell her why if she has a problem with it. I don't want her going through my bank statements, etc., or snooping around.

At Christmas time, when she visited us, she told my DH2B that there were too many beer bottles around. She assumed that he was the only person drinking beer, and that they were all consumed in one day or something. She then proceeded to tell his grandmother that he drinks too much, and that story made the family rounds. I was furious! I am really sensitive to that, and would not be with him if he had alcohol issues. And it's just really mean spirited and wrong to spread that rumor about your son. He's a really great guy, and she's so negative that she's always looking for what's wrong with a situation.

There was another time when she visited my apartment at Christmas time. My bedrooms were messy b/c I had gift bags, Christmas decorations and everything out. But I still wanted her to see my apartment, so invited them to see the front room, the living room, dining room, etc., but told her the bedrooms were off limits b/c they were a mess at the moment. What did she do but immediately walk down the hall and open the door to my bedroom! I was fuming! Again, my DH2B handled it. But this is an example of what I am dealing with!

Thanks for the advice, b/c I agree, if we don't establish some guidelines now, it will only get worse. And she really needs to be put in her place.

Wow. I don't know what else to add, but good luck!

Whew...what a situation! I'm glad your DH2B has a spine or you two would really be in for it. And, might I add that is emotional blackmail to try to make you all feel guilty by adding that someone else is abandoning your nephew.
Good luck with all of this.