BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Should I shut up and just be happy?

My boyfriend is still sickeningly sweet sometime, but not all the time like it once was. His parents are still crazy sweet with each other and they've been married 35+ years. So yeah... you can keep sweet in the long run, but just like sweet in a different gear.

It's so hard to tell though, you never really REALLY know another person's head. My boyfriend is way on board with CF with me. I can tell he doesn't take interest in 99% of kids we see the way my ex did. He wouldn't hold my niece (she was about 3 months old) when we visited my family, and looked rather terrified at the prospect. He makes a ton of comments about thank god we don't have kids.

But... the last time I asked him about getting snipped, he said it was too permanent. That sounds like someone who is not 100% sure to me. I do feel very confident that he is 100% with me, and so if he ever thought about maybe having kids, he wouldn't expect me to have them just for him. So I'm very comfortable in our relationship.

I guess what I'm trying to get at rather unsuccessfully is, you can probably pick up on clues here and there, so pay attention to your intuition. At the same time, you can't know for sure unless he tells you, so don't take your intuition as the absolute truth unless you can confirm it through communication.

Good luck.

Okay, my two cents as a guy. For me, if I don't articulate well on a subject, similar to what your SO is doing on the subject of kids, it's because I don't feel comfortable about the subject and I don't really know what to say or how to say it. Maybe because I'm not totally "in touch with my feelings" or whatever. Anyway, as for the kid thing, since I was the one that was adament about not having kids, once the mutual decision had been made I went and got a vasectomy. Now that is commitment. As far as I'm concerned, if a guy says he doesn't want kids and doesn't back it up with this particular action then he may want kids. Period. I have never regreted the decision.

That was with my first wife. We got divorced but it wasn't over the kid thing. It just didn't take. She is now free to have kids if she so desires. Up to now I don't think she has. After that, any woman with whom I became acquainted knew up front I didn't have kids and wasn't interested in having any.

Anyway, the vasectomy operation was no big deal and I think it was the best $150 I ever spent. And the valium was good too.

So, if he won't get clipped then he's not committed. That way you both know you can't change your minds. If one is not willing to take the step for themselves then they shouldn't do it for someone else. What if that someone else changes their mind. Then the one who took the steps to preclude the eventuallity of having kids is stuck with the decision. So one must be certain they are doing it because they want to no matter what and not because someone else wants them to.

Have I said too much??

No, Snowflake!

I would just add that if a guy is truly educated about vasectomy and still won't commit to it (or, failing that, is uneasy about the woman in the equation having her tubes tied), then there's a problem that's being swept under the rug. I say this because there is so much misinformation about vasectomies...I've heard it referred to "having your ba!!$ chopped", etc. (doesn't sound so appealing when it's put that way, huh?). I mean, some people seem to think that it's literally the same as having a male cat or dog fixed.

When guys learn that it's rather only about the disconnection of a tiny tube and has absolutely no effect on sexual performance, they're more likely to be able to think rationally about it.

Elise
happy wife of a very satisfied vas customer

My husband got a vasectomy, but it took about a year of talking about it for him to be okay with doing it (I have a hard time on birth control - the hormones cause so many problems for me). He said the permanence of it scared him. The ironic thing is, he said he was at least 95% sure he didn't want kids. I felt that if he was afraid of the permanence, then he hadn't really ruled out children, though. He did realize through all of this talking that he was afraid of regretting the decision to not have kids. I understood his feelings on this, but realistically, even if we both suddenly decided to have kids, we'd have to start trying now. I'm 33 and my safe childbearing years are quickly coming to an end. I pointed that out and said if he thought he'd regret the decision, then we'd have to start trying right now - today even. This would mean both of us giving up going back to school for our Master degrees, no more traveling, no more planning to buy a new car to replace his old, falling apart car...he didn't want to give up any of that. When he sat down with his doctor and found out that that the ability to reverse the vasectomy early on (and even in some cases, later on) was pretty good, he felt better about it. Not that he will ever reverse it - when it comes down to the bottom line, he has less interest than I do in giving up our freedom (and money and sleep, etc).
He had the vasectomy and now can't figure out why he was so freaked out. He's actually relieved now that he's had it.

I don't expect my SO to get a vasectomy tomorrow, or ever, really. I don't mind the Pill, in fact it helps keep my skin clear and my periods regular, so I don't forsee wanting to stop taking that in the near future. Plus, he hasn't asked THE question yet (I know he has been pondering rings, though, because my drunk friend slipped and let me in on a little secret).

We went for a long walk with the dog and I basically just told him I know I'm beating what he thinks is a dead horse, but that it made me nervous that he wouldn't entertain any serious conversation on this topic. He said that he knows for certain he doesn't want children now, but he isn't a psychic, and can't know for sure what he will feel in five or ten years. I asked him if he did start feeling like he wanted kids down the line, if we were married, if he would think that was a good reason for a divorce (assuming we still are happy together otherwise). He said of course not, that it would be his issue and he would work through it. I then asked him would he be able to be HAPPY living with the decision to stay childfree, and he said he would be happy just to be with me.

I guess that's the answer I have to accept for now. I don't know why I'm worried--he cringes when babies cry, he has never once shown an interest in my girlfriend's son (I ask to hold him to be polite, but he doesn't even do that!) so I am 95 % sure this won't be a relationship blocker...

Thanks so much for all of your input. You have all made me feel like much less of a freak!!!