BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Help! Another friend falls to Mommyhood!

I am not sure where to begin this post, but I knew this was the only place that I could go to talk about how I am feeling right now. I absolutely love this site and how everyone is so supportive of one another.

I am 32 and my husband is in the Air Force and so we move quite often. Each time we move, I always have to say goodbye to good friends and then try and make new ones. We have just recently moved and my husband is in a desk job (as opposed to flying like he normally does). This means that the squadron is different and I haven't really met any of the other wives in the squadron. I really miss my old friends from our last two assignments and so that is partly why I am down.

The othe part is that we have become friends with our new next door neighbors. The husband is my age and his wife is a few years younger. They have one cat, no kids. We have enjoyed getting together with them on the weekends she doesn't work and I know we were just telling them recently that it was so nice to get together with them since we enjoy their company, but also because they didn't have kids and we could go out without worrying about a babysitter and we could stay out late, even if it is just being at either of our homes watching movies.

Well, I just went to lunch with her and she told me she is pregnant. I am happy for her because I know they wanted kids someday. I am just sad for me. This means that I have no friends here that do not have kids. My other friend down the street has two kids and even though I like them and don't mind being around kids for a while, I hate that I can never have a conversation without interruption. The other few friends I do have here all have kids as well. I am just so frustrated. Is something wrong with me for not wanting to have a kid? Am I selfish for wanting adult time with my friends without having to pretend that I am excited about a new dress for barbie? My husband and I have just moved from living overseas for five years and so I am now looking for a job to fill up at least part of my time. I also want to feel more productive than just doing the daily chores. I have had people tell me that if I had kids it would give me something to do and I wouldn't be bored. Well, I can tell you that after babysitting for my friends kids, that I would be bored to death if I had kids. I cannot handle young kids all day long.

Anyway, ALL of my friends from previous assignments now have kids as well. My husband and I are the only ones that I know of that do not have kids. It was the same at our last base as well. The difference there was that my best friend had two kids but they were teenagers and they were great. It was nice that her kids were older and her and I could hang out together without being interrupted.

I am just sad that in order to be with other people, I have to deal with their kids. I like kids well enough, but I don't always want to be around them and I do find that the older I get, the less tolerance I have for them and their behavior.

I guess sometimes I just wonder if I am really missing out on something that everyone else knows about or if I am the smart one for not jumping on the Mommy bandwagon.

I am just feeling down in general about the whole thing and I don't know what to do about it. Thank goodness I have a great husband that I love being with. I cannot imagine if I didn't have him to share life with and all of the experiences we have traveling and scuba diving etc.

Sorry for the long post, but I knew you all would understand what it is like to keep losing friends to Mommyhood. It is great to know there are like minded people out there and that I am not the only one who doesn't have the desire to have kids. You guys ROCK!

wow i really feel for you! reading your post reminded me 5 years ago when one of my very best friends told me she was pregnant. she was the first one of my close friends so i really took it hard. it also made me take a long hard look at myself and with the help of a few good therapists to realize that there is nothing wrong with me for not having kids. there is nothing wrong with you either. you're just being honest with yourself.

over the years while i still hang out with friends even my friend who has now 2 kids i do find myself doing more things with my husband. my social circle isn't what it used to be but i'm really trying to reach out to new people and do the best i can.

just know that you're not alone and people here really do understand!

hope this helps!

indigo

Doglover: Sorry to hear that! I think many of us can relate. Over time, most couples do seem to go this route, and it is tough. Like you said, it's hard to plan or do anything that doesn't involve kids. We don't hang out with our childed friends much, b/c, they just aren't available. The childfree friends I have have recently moved, which is a handicap of the cf friend - we are more mobile, and likely to take that job on the other side of the country. But I still get to talk to them, and that helps. I hope you can find some like minded couples, or, shoot, just one like minded couple. Maybe you can meet some older couples whose kids are mostly grown.

There's nothing wrong with you! You sound very self aware. I completely agree with you that having kids wouldn't prevent boredom. Yeah, you would have something to do, but who really wants to clean up messes, feed, bathe and handle someone's needs all day long. Sounds pretty boring to me! Maybe if you can get involved in a hobby that interests you, you will meet someone else to hang out with. Chances are, if you are taking a class for fun, you can meet some unchilded people. I don't think parents of young kids typically have the time and energy to take classes or pursue hobbies. Be comforted in knowing you are not alone!

Doglover - I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so bummed. I know how you feel. My SIL announced a few weeks before her first anniversary that they were expecting, and to me, it was just terrible news.

It's so hard when you lose a friend to mommyhood. It's like, WE are the same, but they have totally changed, and so your friendship is also forever changed. But not because of us.

What are you going to do, huh? It sucks. I think especially for someone like you, where you're surrounded by women who have nothing else to do but have kids.

Thank you all for writing and for being so supportive. I knew that I came to right place for others to understand what I was feeling and going through. It really helped me to hear what you had to say and to know that you understood and were supporting me and there for me. THANK YOU!

I think part of the reason I was upset was because I didn't think they were going to have kids right away. I was selfishly thinking to myself that it was going to be great that they weren't going to have kids during the two years we will be here. Now that has changed.

I also tried talking to my Mom about it and she just said "Well we all have to make choices in life and then live with them." I got the feeling that she was saying I made the wrong decision or that since I made the decision to not have kids, that I should just suck it up and deal with the fact that most people do want kids. Arrrggghhh! I know most people have kids and that I am a minority, but that doesn't mean that I have to be happy about it all the time.

Anyway, it was just a sad and frustrating day and I needed some support. Thanks again for being there for me. It really helps to have this site.

p.s. I think that some day when we all get older, we should all live in the same community so that we can take care of one another in our old age and we won't have to worry about having noise kids as neighbors! I do wish we weren't all spread out all over the world!