BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids help me try to understand this, please...

CAUTION: much woe & intrigue. Please skip if not in a mood for detail!

OK...so I think I've written before that my DH is a (sort of ex) stepdad to a 25 year old woman, "G". She was 4 when DH met her mother and 6 when they got married. Biodad had split the scene when G. was 2 and has only re-surfaced occasionally to lecture her (about "not F-ing up her life" --- thanks, Sparky) or send a very occasional $5 bill in a card to her. DH wasn't allowed to impart much in the way of his values to her, unfortunately; G.'s mom always overrode (and worse, undercut) him when he tried to discipline G. She turned into a bright, sweet girl, but a serious "princess" lurks underneath. When she got to be a teen, her mom continued not to put boundaries on her, afraid that she'd "run away". Meanwhile, DH didn't get to contribute much to raising her, other than shelling out bucks and sort of feeling like an innocent bystander. There was some talk about his adopting G., but her mom didn't want that, either. A frustrating situation, for sure...

I'm sure some would argue that being a step-dad (well, ex-step-dad, technically, but in this case he's stayed involved in G.'s life) makes one not CF. I see the validity in that argument, at times. I guess that makes me a step-mom-once-removed, in a way. It's all confusing as hell.

Later, G. enrolled in college, studying fashion merchandising, and doing pretty well (she's bright, but not the world's greatest student --- I relate, believe me!). When I first met DH, she was bright-eyed and setting the world on fire, dressing models at unbelievably well-done student fashion shows (some of her classmates were studying design), working in fashion retail, and enjoying undergrad life. Before getting to college, she'd worked hard at a community college, bringing her grades up (her HS grades weren't that stellar). It was a glamourous fashion-oriented world which seemed to fit well with her "MTV Cribs" mindset (yes, I'm calling a spade a spade here). Of course, the work world would be tougher, but things looked as if they were going well.

Then, all of a sudden, she dropped out with less than a year to go on her degree, got a job serving shots at a strip club (good money, but...sheesh...), and got pregnant. The father of the baby, S., wasn't working much at the time. She moved in with her mom (and her mom's fiance, who was NOT thrilled), got on welfare, and awaited the arrival of the baby...wondering all the while, I'm sure, why we weren't more excited about it all. S., the baby's father, was living on and off at G.'s mom's house, too.

One of the student loans G. had taken out (for which DH had unfortunately co-signed...thank doG it was the only one, out of several) was in arrears (she wasn't in school and wasn't working, so...). DH cashed in $10K of his 401k in a loan and paid it off. Meanwhile, of course, that money is not earning any interest for the 401k, since it's, well, not there. When the baby shower came along, we didn't go; I think everyone more or less understood that we were about as tapped out as anyone could expect, when it came to G. Paying off the loan for her when she apparently wasn't even going to complete the degree was such a slap in the face to us.

The baby was born last September, and seemed healthy. G. really did make an excellent mom (the only small comfort, given how she'd cashed in all her chips --- and some of ours --- to have a kid). S., G., and the baby were all crammed into a tiny bedroom at G.'s mom's house.

Them, two months after the birth, the baby died during a nap while G. was at a friend's house. It was SIDS. He'd appeared otherwise entirely healthy. S.'s family (mom, cousins, all kinds of aunts and uncles, sibs) were very supportive and G. went to live there at S.'s mom's place for awhile. Doing the research on SIDS, we realized there was nothing anyone could have done. Even if an ambulance had been standing by waiting, the death has to do with an immaturity in the brainstem and how it regulates breathing during sleep, apparently.

S. and G. got their own place. S. got a steady job. It seems the two of them really bonded over the tragedy --- rather than being on-again/off-again, they seemed really "on". Then, finally, G. got another job, too (back to the strip club! <sigh>). Thigs seemed to be looking up, at least a little.

Then, a few weeks ago, we got the new news: she's pregnant again, with another boy...due in December. Again, we had that feeling of "um...OK, thanks for telling us". She quit working at the club and got a job as a receptionist for the Mass. Turnpike Authority (hey, there might even be bennies and maternity leave for that one). S.'s mom, having had some financial problems and sold her house under duress, moved in with them at their new place.

Then, G. almost immediately told us that she didn't want to live with S. and his mom (we'd had the impression that she was very close with his mom, who'd been so very good to her after the first baby died). G. talked to her mom about maybe trying to "do something" about her problem; her mom, finally, has gotten sick of catering to this kid (who's 25!) and said that no, she and her brand-new hubby needed some alone time and weren't in the mood to share their house with anyone, at this point (G.'s mom is finally growing a spine, it seems). Months ago, I'd made DH promise that (401Ks aside) the idea of ever having G. move in here was completely, utterly off the table (it took no convincing; he was in total agreement), so there was no question of her coming here.

So, G. moved in with her recently widowed grandfather (the father of her deadbeat biodad...grandfather was a chief of police in a central Mass. town and a true pillar of the community, and his son was a loser from day one. Go figure). Grampy's got a big, empty house and dotes on G. Given the situation, it's the best solution, I guess; she needs housing and he needs company (he does OK but had a stroke a few years back and, while mostly recovered, is a lot slower than he used to be). So far, it's working OK; if she doesn't lean on him too hard, it could work for a good long while to come and she'd actually be benefiting someone other than just herself.

I just don't understand why she would have gotten pregnant again within six months if her relationship wasn't solid. I just don't get it. Is single motherhood her goal? How does the tough life of a single mom fit in with her "where's my bling?" mantra (which, I swear, is the central tenet of her life)?

Can anyone tell me what the F is going on here? Or whether I'm ever going to feel any more comfortable about this? Is it ever going to get any better? Thinking about her situation just makes me feel like I just dropped in from another planet. DH is similarly puzzled and uncomfortable...I get the feeling he'd like a step-grandson one day, but not under these circumstances. Are we so awful in lacking enthusiasm about the birth of yet another fatherless child into this world?

Sorry for this long diatribe. I've been wanting to post about this for awhile but haven't had the time until now.

Hi Bonsai,

Wow, what a story. I'm still stuck on the baby dying. That must have been awful. I'm with you on not being excited about baby number 2. It just boggles the mind. She sounds bright, and I don't know what happened to make her give up on her goals. I would be disappointed, too. And I just don't get how you get pregnant accidentally, twice. My sister may very well be in the same position, too, but she has some mental health issues.

The death of the first baby, although horrendous, traumatizing and heartbreaking, was almost another shot at life. A lot of people say you have to hit rock bottom sometimes to come to your senses. I would have thought maybe after she worked through her grief, that she would want to return to school to finish her degree. It's really sad that her life took a turn for the worse.

I have a hard time getting excited about a normal baby, baby shower, etc., but how are you supposed to be excited about her throwing away her possibilities in life? You are right to be disappointed. And, BTW, it was really nice of your DH to help her out of that loan - especially since she isn't his bio daughter.

We were trying to grasp at straws, saying things to each other like "Well, at least G. and S. have been through a lot together and have bonded and know what they're in for this time around". Now there doesn't even seem to be hope for the relationship.

<sigh>

Thanks, HTBCF ---

Sounds to me like she took the easy option. School is hard, life is hard, so I'll just drop out, have a kid, sponge off welfare (and whoever else I can find) for a while, and hook up with someone totally unsuitable with a little bit of dosh, further down the line.

I guess single motherhood can't be that hard, seeing as women seem to be opting for it in droves.

I don't get it. My ex has a cousin, great guy, and he and his wife are solid parents. They have a gorgeous 18 year old daughter and a 16 year old son. Daughter started going off the rails at 15-ish, slept around, got into drugs, got arrested, went to residential, came back home, left again, and moved in with Jamaican BF who kicked her out after two weeks because "she couldn't cook". She drifted and slept on couches for a while and then rocked on home five months pregnant. Parents finished the basement and allowed her to move back, they want to keep an eye on the baby because they know she can't look after it herself, but if they try to impose any rules on her she just threatens to pack up and leave again. It's a miserable mess, and she had FOUR WEEKS left to graduate high school. If I needed a salutary reminder on why I don't have kids, this is a great one.

I agree with Happy - you can't be expected to support her poor choices, and you've put enough into this problem - save your own sanity and finances, hers are her problem. At 25, she has to take responsibility for her actions. And more to the point, everyone else has to make sure that she does, and not keep bailing her out all the time!!!

It's just a damn shame that there's an innocent party involved in all this. Poor kid.

Pikasam: Your ex's cuz's daughter (did I get that right?) sounds a lot like my sister. I REALLY feel for those parents. No one deserves not only to have a kid like that, but to have the added stress of a new baby under those conditions. It sounds like she is holding the parents hostage - they have the baby's best interests at heart, and if they try to impose sanity on the situation, she threatens to leave. My sis pulls this all the time. Or, if they won't babysit so she can party, she says "I should have had an abortion" in front of my nephew. If she was my child, I would be in jail for punching her in the face. I think people should be arrested for saying something like that in front of their kid. I agree with you about it being a reminder about why you don't have kids. The absolute hell my sister puts my parents through on a regular basis makes parenting even less appealing that it already is to me.

I think some people do think it's easier. This reminds me of that expression "Those who can't do, teach." Maybe the CF mantra should be, "those that can't do, parent." Or those that can't self actualize, parent. It seems like there are a lot of women out there that are afraid of the big bad world, and think parenting is easier. Remember the post a few months ago about prom babies? I mean, if you fail as a mother, it isn't as scary as failing publicly, I guess, in a job?

Don't get me wrong - there are lots of parents out there that are talented, and their kids are lucky. But, as we've discussed before, the upper echelon is skipping parenthood for the most part, and the uneducated are having kids like crazy.

Wow Bonsai, that's a really messed up situation.

My initial reaction is actually I'm not too surprised about the newest baby. I think having a baby die like that would push many a sane person over the brink, so if it happens to someone who's already not the strongest mentally/emotionally (or just young, or doesn't have a partner who can help support her through it, etc.), it could push them over the edge even more so. In the first year after the death, she is still grieving. I've heard the advice that in the first year of a traumatic loss like that, you shouldn't make any big moves or changes in your life, like with your job, moving, family, anything. So I think the new baby is probably due to being completely out of her mind with grief and grasping at straws to try and make herself feel better...kind of like a rebound baby.

Yeah, it would be logical for her to feel like she's FREE now, and can pick herself up by her bootstraps and make a more successful way for herself in life! But, of course no one who's lost a child would ever feel like that...humans so often put emotional needs over logic.

Maybe her first experience of motherhood gave her some fulfillment that we can't understand. The attention, the sympathy, the parents stepping and fetching to make her life easier (and if there's no baby, no one really cares where and how she lives quite as much), probably got a better deal out of the welfare system, helped strong-arm her guy into sticking around, made her feel powerful and socially propped up with the whole motherhood role. I really can imagine that once you've had that experience, it's probably pretty hard to go on with your life after it's gone.

All the luck in the world to you and your DH!! I think you're right on for not letting her live or sponge off you anymore. So sorry that he had to pay that loan. That sucks.

HTBCF said:

The death of the first baby, although horrendous, traumatizing and heartbreaking, was almost another shot at life. A lot of people say you have to hit rock bottom sometimes to come to your senses. I would have thought maybe after she worked through her grief, that she would want to return to school to finish her degree. It's really sad that her life took a turn for the worse.

We saw it as sort of a second chance, too (after a sufficient grieving period, which we figured would be at least a year). Didn't turn out that way. She was pregnant again within five months...

I have a hard time getting excited about a normal baby, baby shower, etc., but how are you supposed to be excited about her throwing away her possibilities in life? You are right to be disappointed. And, BTW, it was really nice of your DH to help her out of that loan - especially since she isn't his bio daughter.

As he'd co-signed, he pretty much had to. He could have just taken over payments and handed it back to her when she was ready, but he figured she wouldn't be ready any time soon, and didn't want any more damage to his credit (the payment coupons were being sent to her and she was just ignoring them. Nonetheless, as cosigner, it affected his credit, which is otherwise top-notch). So he just paid the sucker off, plain and simple. The loan against his 401k has wonderful terms --- but again, while he's paying it off, that money isn't in the 401k, where it should be, earning money.

The other kicker was that the baby died ten days before our wedding and the funeral was one week before our wedding. It was very, very difficult for all involved. She tried very hard to come to the ceremony, but in the end, just couldn't pull it together. We had a meditation during the ceremony, accompanied by some beautiful music, in the baby's honor (played by my best students...it was some Pat Metheny stuff from the "Map of The World" soundtrack --- highly recommended, both soundtrack and film). Proof that life is rarely all happy or all sad; more like "both/and".

Elise

That's awful! I went to a service for a three year old that died once, and it was really bad. You are right, life is so bittersweet. I can understand why she couldn't pull it together. I don't know how women pull through something like that - I say women b/c they carry the child for nine months, and it has to be a little bit tougher on them somehow. Maybe she unconsciously got pregnant again b/c of the loss. As we've said on this board before, if you aren't actively preventing pregnancy, you are basically inviting it. And maybe even though the baby wasn't planned, she liked the idea of being a mother. But I agree with you, that it's best to have a child when the couple's relationship is stable.

I have a coworker whose daughter lost a baby very late in pregnancy. I think the placenta ruptured or something, and they couldn't save the baby, even though it was far enough along to be very viable. It was far enough along that a real funeral was required. It was very sad. I agree with the grieving theory, even though this baby had been unplanned, she was pregnant again within a year. This baby was born and is doing fine.

Cindy