BellaOnline Forums Family Child Loss What to say, what NOT to say?

My dear friend lives abroad (UK) and just suffered a stillbirth of a baby girl at 8 mos. She is still in the hospital in ICU, so I won't be talking to her for a few days (though I've talked to her husband). When I do... I want to be supportive, obviously. I also don't want to upset/offend/hurt her any more than she's already feeling. What should I say to offer comfort - what should I NOT say? Her mom is big on "God's Will" - which is something I'm not comfortable with, esp. in this circumstance.

I wish I lived closer to her so I could offer to help (she also has a toddler). As it is, I will probably go over in a few weeks (maybe after her husband goes back to work).

I lost 2 children 1 was just 3hours old the other was 13yrs, just being there for her to talk about her lost will comfort her, let her grieve it is her lost, shame on people that will say you can have another or say get over it, share her pain with her she needs you

yes. rosie.

Thank you. The funeral is tomorrow, but I won't be going over until the end of the month. I have been talking to her and emailing, just letting her know she/they are in my thoughts. I just didn't want to accidentally say anything hurtful.

Let her talk, let her cry, let her mourn. Don't say it will be ok, don't say you will "get over it" (as if it is the flu!), don't say it is God's will. Say I am sorry, maybe bring a few books along for those who have lost a child. There are some wonderful poems and those can be very comforting. Look on the compassionate friends site and GROWW is another good site. Maybe find her a few links to some online sites for grief support for loss of a child. Send her a card that expresses your sorrow. Find her an ornament for Christmas that celebrates motherhood. Or a plaque. I have a wonderful poem that I found on a plaque after we lost a baby during pregnancy. It made me cry but it also felt good to know I wasn't alone with how I was feeling.

BABY TEARS

By Conni Johnson



We cried tears when we learned that a child would be,

That our God had allowed you to quicken in me.

We cried tears with our loved ones as they shared our joy,

And we thought about names for a girl or a boy.

I cried tears as I thought of the things we would do

All the things that your Daddy would pass on to you.

And I cried as I thought of each inch you had grown,

As I pondered the day that you�d make yourself known.

Then to think of the world you must enter brought fears,

Once again, little loved one, your mother cried tears.

Something�s wrong, I can tell � once again there are tears,

And I�ll not get the chance of your love through the years.

Oh, the ache and the sorrow, and all of the pain

And again, once again, my tears fall like rain.

Then His peace comes to me as I think of you there,

Gently rocking with Father in His favorite chair.

Your sweet little fingers clenched tight in His palm

And His Son softly singing to help you keep calm.

Our God knew your days before you came to be,

And He knew, little one, you wold not stay with me.

So I cry but I know that, when this life is done,

I will greet and embrace you, my sweet little one.

There�s a time to be born and a time do die,

And the joy and the sorrow both make us cry!

You are a good friend!

We lost the baby plus a 14 year old son. I have worked with support groups for those who have lost a child during pregnancy or a neonatal loss and I run online support groups. It is something that just takes time and support.

Take care.

As a person who lost two kids, one after 30 hours and one at the end of the 8th month, I can only tell you what didn't work for me.
People saying, never mind!
People saying, you'll have another one!
People staying away from me or avoiding me!

If you have any doubt, ask her, how can I help?

Ronit Baras
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Ronit, im sorry for your lose

I know it's been a while since you posted about your friend, but I'm new to the site and just now seeing your question. My son was stillborn at 6 months. It's been 5 years, and it still hurts, just not as much. The only advice I can add to what others have already said is not to forget this child. I'm sure your friend named her and still includes her (if only silently to herself) when someone says "How many kids do you have?".

The people who have hurt me the most are the ones who act like nothing ever happened and want to forget that Connor ever existed or want to talk about him like I had a miscarriage. A miscarriage is still a horrible thing to go through, but stillbirth is terrible in that you can see, hold, touch, and name this baby who is perfectly complete with 10 fingers and 10 toes, and then you have to bury him.

Whenever you talk to your friend, don't say "Are you ok?" Ask her, "How are you?", "How are you coping?" Let her know you are there to listen if she needs to talk. Send her a "Thinking of You" card near the baby's birthdate. And call/email her near her original due date. I've found that is an extremely hard date also.

Really nice poem.I enjoyed it a lot.