BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Would you try to change Marilyn Manson, too?

Don't you guys ever had 2 different solutions to a problem. What you both do normally in this situation?

You use the words control and force way too much for my liking.
In my marriage, and in all marriages I know, we are equal partners. NO ONE controls or forces the other. That, my friend, can constitute abuse.

And excuse me, but you are not your wife's father. She, I assume is an adult woman, capable of making adult decisions.

My husband and I always talk about this topic, because we think we are a pretty atypical marriage. The successes of shows like 'King of Queens', 'Home Improvement', and movies like 'Knocked Up' really shows me that this must be the American Standard of marriage: Woman settles for man who's 'not that bad' and has 'some potential', and then spends the rest of her marriage trying to mold him into her ideal of a perfect husband; OR eventually accepts him how he is and becomes the only mature one in the relationship.

I just don't understand that. I mean, all these women get so frustrated with their husbands when they act like themselves. I mean, I doubt men become less mature as they age(most times...) so it's not like they didn't have fair warning!

My husband and I have changed a lot since we married, but not much on the inside. I've lost weight and dress less like a schlub and wear jewelry, he cut his hair and grew a beard and wears more than just black or white. We've influenced each other in positive ways, and we make acceptable changes because it makes the other person happy, and makes us happy to do that for them. But he hasn't suddenly stopped reading comics, and I would never expect it. I mean, when I saw his shelves and shelves full of comic books, not once did I think, "Ah, but when we marry, he'll start reading the Wall Street Journal." No, I married a comic geek with my eyes wide open, and it wasn't something I thought needed changing! And he's brought out my inner geek too, by the way.

So no, I wouldn't marry Marilyn Manson and expect him to become Ward Cleaver, for pete's sake!

I'm eventually going to marry that geeky pack rat of mine, quirks and all. I knows he's not likely to ever stop leaving his dirty socks under the coffee table or trying to turn our home into a rescue house for old computer equipment. I know these little things are going to be driving me crazy for decades to come, but I'm going to marry him anyway. I'm never going to force him to be different.

A little frustration is much more tolerable than living with a man who isn't free to be himself.

He's the most annoying man on the planet some days, but even the annoying aspects are part of what makes him the man he is. I chose the whole package.
(And I'm prepared to live with the consequences of that decision!)

Kristen, I suspect Ganesh's culture may be different than ours.

Very true but I still find the archaic attitude of the husband steping into the role of "father" annoying. Many cultures have the bride go from her father's house to her husband's where she lives under their rules. That puts the wife on the level of a child and not an equal adult.

It's archaic to you only because our own society has left that behind as the common way of things. I imagine we might both feel differently on this if we were in a culture that still promotes male dominance in the home.

I made the choice to be in a household where my husband is the head. I like having this as a choice not as something forced onto me by society.

Brandy I must disagree. I couldn't ever not be an equal in my marriage nor could I ever be in a male-dominated religion.

My Dad and Step-Mom raised me to be independent and strong for myself. I love my husband but neither one of us is the head of the family. We are a strong partnership.

I agree with you, Kristen.

In small ways, our relationship has traditional aspects, but the big picture is that WE are the head of the household and equal partners in our journey through life.