BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids confused about having kids

I just posted this, but for some reason, I can not open the topic. If a moderator could please delete my original post, I would appreciate it. Sorry for the double post of the same topic.

Well, here is my story. I never wanted to get married or have kids. Then, I met the love of my life and got married. Of course, I "assumed" we would have a child within 3-5 years. It is now 7 years later, I am 30, and still no kids. I thought if I got pregnant, it would be okay. A year ago, I got pregnant (we were not actually trying). I completely freaked out. Suddenly, I didn't want children at all. Don't know if this was true, or just the shock of getting pregnant and hormones that got the best of me. At only 6 weeks, I miscarried. Suddenly, I was a wreck. I wanted it back more than anything in the world. We tried for two more months, and I began to freak out again, so we stopped trying.

Now, I am confused. I find so many more negatives to having children than I do positves. The only problem is that my husband would like at least one child in his life. He is wonderful. He cooks and cleans, and I know he would be an awesome father. I do get those fuzzy feelings when I think of him holding our baby, or playing with our baby, but then the fear of the complete change of life totally frightens me. I don't know if I want all that responsibility, but I really want him to have that chance. He says it is completely up to me because he married me to be with me, but 20 years from now, if we don't have one, will he still be okay with it? Of course, I know having a child for your spouse is not a good enough reason either.

I am not 100% against the idea, but obviously not 100% for it anymore either. I like my life. I like my privacy and freedom and I am VERY lazy. Do I think I would be a good mother? Probably. I would never blame an innocent child for the choices I make in my life, but is it worth it? Of course, a small part of me would also like to have that family with him.

I was never a huge fan of children, but I don't dislike them either. I have no experience with children, and since others kids are not the same as your own, I would never really know unless I had one. I know I have plenty of time. I am not old, but I also don't want to wait too much longer if I decide to have one. I would want time to enjoy with my husband again once the kids or kids were out of the house. And what if I wait too long to have one, and then decide I love it and want more, but it is too late?

I never knew I had such negative thoughts on the idea until I ended up pregnant. And will I always wonder what life would have been like had I not lost that baby? Will I regret not having one? Will I regret having one?

When I think I finally decide to remain CF, I then get upset because for some reason, that is not good enough for me. Yet, when I decide it may be alright, the thoughts I had when I was pregnant storm back and I go back to not wanting them. Again, not good enough for me. Why can't I remember all the positives things I felt about wanting one so badly after I miscarried? Why do I only remember the negative thoughts I had?

I came here because I notice that although a lot of you are CF, you aren't against people who decide to have children. Anyway, thank you for reading this. It is such a big decision and I am not taking it lightly.

Oh, and I know I am not ready right now (obviously) or if I ever will be. I just thought it would be nice to hear all your opinions. Thank you again.

Welcome, rns!

You and your hubby obviously have a lot of thinking and talking to do. Might I suggest you try not to look at this as black and white type of issue? It's not a matter of having a kid or having no kids on your life. There's lots of middle ground. You could spend time with nieces and nephews, the children of friends, join a mentoring program like Big Brothers/ Big Sisters, etc.

Your post doesn't sound like you are thinking about this stuff yet, but I wanted to make sure you were aware that there are many ways to have children in your life without having your own.

And if you have a child you don't really want for your husband, you take a serious risk: You could ruin three lives. Countless people have chosen to procreate for the betterment of their marriages only to have that same act destroy them.

I know all about the other ways to have children in my life. My nieces and nephews are all older now. I brought all these "other" options up to my husband, but as much as he likes children (you should see his face light up when he sees a baby), he would prefer his own. He said if I decide to not have one, he would be fine with that, but I know he would not be interested in a mentoring program or friend's children. He really wants that chance to be a father of his own. I know that may be a little selfish, but he and I are very alike, and I think I even agree with him on this one. If I am going to care for a child, as selfish as it may be, I would really rather it my own than someone else's.

I feel very lucky to have such a great marraige, and a guy who says he married me to be with me, and not just to have children someday.

Hi rns, and welcome to this forum. Don't feel bad about being 30 and not knowing what you want out of life. I have been there. It took me many years to get to know myself, my true passions and desires, all my qualities, good and bad, etc.. I am still on that journey (I'm almost 40)! All I can tell you is that it can take a while to get there, but one thing is for sure: Once you discover what you truly want, whatever that is, it is only up to you to make it happen. Some things require more effort than others, but you can accomplish anything if you truly want it, and are willing to do the work. If you like to travel, go ahead and do it! There is no reason why 'that may never happen'. We have the keys to open all those wonderful boxes full of life. Try to focus on other things that you want and try to accomplish them. Maybe that will take your mind off the 'kid' issue and, eventually, the true answer will come to you.

By all means, whatever you decide to do, please try to be 110% sure that it is what YOU truly want (not what your DH wants, although his opinion is of utmost importance in this matter, not what your family wants or says, not what the rest of the world wants), no matter the consequences or the unexpected, especially if you decide that you want a child. As so many others have expressed it in this forum, after you have the child there is no turning back. It is a life-altering decision, and it has to be pondered 1000 times and then some.

I feel for you and your inner struggle, because I know feeling torn like that can take a big toll on you. Take it easy, try to focus on other things, and enjoy your life as it is now. You'll see that there are already many wonderful things in it, without kids being a part of it.

I totally identify with your post. The what ifs, what about the timing etc.

Here's what I realized... I was looking at everything lose lose... you talk about what if you regret a kid, what if you regret not having a kid. Take comfort that the vast majority of people are happy they had a kid, or happy they are CF. It seems to me you have a win win in front of you... If you don't want kids you're husband supports you, and if you want to have kids, you're husband supports you. Both paths will likely be rewarding, it's just a matter of time and hashing things out and you will know what the right choice is. Try not to let it get you down in the mean time.

rns- I've had very similar feelings- although my 34th bday is next month, so I don't have as much time. I haven't spent much time around school age kids, don't particularly like them, but don't dislike them either. I know we'd be good parents, but would we enjoy doing it? Maybe. I can't really know. I like lots of quiet time. I don't really like teenagers, but I love babies. But when I think about parenting? I envision crying, no sleep, defiance, potty training, career impact, endless driving, teen rebellion- not smiles and Kodak moments. I definitely focus more on the negatives, which is keeping us CF for now- and maybe forever, if biology decides the question for us before we do.

Phoenix, your post really helped me. Seriously. I definitely needed the reminder that most people really *do* end up happy with the choices they make. And I know my DH would be supportive either way, as well. Thanks so much for posting that!

All I can say is, if you're not 100% sure, I wouldn't do it. I don't know what is up with men really wanting to have kids, but in the end, it is your body and you're going to be the one doing the majority of the work, even if he does help out around the house and stuff. I agree with the other poster who said that you and your husband need to sit down and talk about this.

RNS: I've thought about all of this a lot, too. But I sincerely believe regret is a waste of time. I started giving parenting a lot more attention recently because my time is running out, I'm 35, and will be 36 in two months. I've thought about, what if I want them later. But, the thing is, I don't want them now, and now is when I am physically able to have them. I don't think kids are something you can just leap into. It sounds like you desired them for a short while, but like you are also really conflicted about having one. I agree with what others said about being really certain. And your husband's heart and brain are in the right place if he recognizes that the relationship the two of you have is enough. I'm lazy, too, and I wouldn't want to get stuck with all of the extra work that comes with children. They are so messy, noisy and high maintenance. And caring for someone like that is exhausting. I know this might sound corny, but we can create a much better society if people that really want children, and have the characteristics that make good parents (patience, nurturing), have children, and others make contributions that make more sense for them. I think it's ridiculous that people assume all women should have kids. It just doesn't make sense to me. Good luck!

RNS,

I have very carefully pondered my response about this to you.

First of all, I am a guy who is CF by choice. Second of all, I could foresee myself being a father, but the effort would be exhausting, both physically and emotionally, and I don't want that. But I DO understand the underlying feelings.

I won't preach "Do this" or "do that." I can not do that because I do not know your true, deepest thoughts and feelings -- and some things you can NOT put into words. What I will suggest are some ideas, some practical topics to discuss and possible actions to do in preparation for the discussions you will have with your husband.

What experiences, other than just "holding" a child, has your husband had? Has he babysat for an infant? Has he babysat for a 2-3 year old for a weekend? His thoughts may be "Ohhh.. I have a chance for me to produce something that is MINE/OURS only." It is possible for the fantasy to just be that, a fantasy, a desire. Once you have the baby, it is permanent -- you can't go back. In my opinion, you and he need to 'take care' of a real child for more than just a day -- maybe a weekend or so. Offer to a friend or family member who has a newborn or a very young child, a weekend away from their kids. They will appreciate it, as well as give you a chance with "real life" parenting. I think it will teach you the realities of a few things -- "child-proofing" a house, being on the child's schedule (or lack thereof), not your own -- not sleeping in if you want, because you can't. It is things like that which will truly impact your day-to-day life after you have your own, if you choose to.

If you can't do that, try to go through a weekend where you imagine you had a baby that needed to be fed on a regular schedule, have the diaper changed, having to negotiate for time alone with your husband so you can go to the store, work, etc. Set multiple alarms in the middle of the night every 3 hours so you are woken up for a week, to simulate the lack of sleep you will experience as a mother and father with an infant. Also remember, you can't just go out to dinner, shopping, anymore on a whim -- someone has to take care of the child at all times.

Run some budgetting figures for a child -- doctors visits, babysitting costs, day-care, clothing -- all that stuff. You say you want to travel, but you can't now. Think of that as a possible money impediment. Where will the extra money come from for this child? If you can't travel now, you most definitely won't be able to travel after your own child (or at least not easily).

It is much better to do all these tasks in "pretend" mode. Live the life of a mother beforehand. There is no going back once you do. I gather that you are aware of this, but thinking about your life as a mother, and actually experiencing it, are, I bet, going to be two completely different experiences.

It is easy to just hand the kid back after a weekend, or by "living" the life of a mother for a week and see how it feels, beforehand.

Another idea: Start writing down all the things that you and your husband want to do. That is, travel to Hawaii, buy a new car, a new house, have a pet, re-finished the basement, start a home business, retirement, college plans -- ANYTHING you two may want to do, be they personal goals, business goals, educational goals, family goals, whatever.

Underneath all of these future plans, have the both of you write down how you could do these things under two circumstances:

1) You have no children to take care of.
2) You DO have children to take care of.

Ponder that list. Add to it, modify it -- use that as your decision tree. Here is the important part: PRINT IT OUT.

Having something on paper is a lot more convincing than just "thinking/knowing" about it. Paper is solid, it has physical form, it makes you feel like "I have my/our future in our hands now. Let's decide on it."

The other thing that bothers me is that you have doubt that you really want this child. The good thing is that your husband has vowed to continue to love you, whether you have a child or not. I would suggest asking your husband these questions:

"What is so appealing about you wanting me to have our child?"
"What would be different in your love and attitude towards me, ... especially ANY doubts ... between me having you/our kid or not?"

The problem is that he is asking. By the merest act of asking you to possibly have a child with you, he will have some internal disappointments. Probably small, but something that will need to be discussed very openly.

"Is your desire to want me to have your/our child partly, even the tiniest bit, based on your family wanting to have grandchildren?"

A question for you:

"Where does the desire come from that if you love him so much, you should WANT to have his child, come from? Your biological clock? Your mother/father/parents? Your In-laws? Your church? Your friends? Co-workers? Society?"

In order to face that doubt, you need to face your fear, face your doubts. It's NOT easy. In fact, it can be damned scary to face your own weaknesses and admit to yourself that "I don't know." You only have ONE SHOT at this.

This process may take more than just a night or a day -- it might take a few weeks or months to analyze. You need to understand why you feel the way you do, and how your husband feels the way he does, in every detail.

You need to remove the doubt.

If, at the end of this discussion, you feel you are ready, emotionally, financially, spiritually, and physically, ready to have his/your child, then go for it. The future will take care of itself, based on what you decide what is best for you NOW.

You don't need to tell anyone else, outside of your husband and yourself, how you came to the decision you'll be making.

All I am asking for you two to do is be totally, truly open.

You don't know me -- and I don't know you, but I am open and willing to help you anyway I can to help you make the right decision for you.

Duane

I've written this in several places here and don't want to sound like a broken record, but when I sat down and did a budget (unrelated to the child question) I realized that our budget was a lot tighter than I had suspected. I'm sure it different for everyone, but it became very clear to me that I couldn't have the life I wanted AND a child. Not anytime soon, and likely not ever. But once I came to that realization, I was at peace with it.

I agree, really mapping out what life would look like with and without kids seems like a really helpful exercise.