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Well, we went to the therapist. She was a lovely woman, calming and very fair. She suggested a few more visits when I joked, "Are we cured yet?" LOL.

Anyway, as good as I felt about it, I'm a little resentful of the money we've had to spend because my husband needed someone other than me to tell him: 1) You MUST discuss all dilemmas, money issues, and plans for short trips with your wife before making a decision, 2) You are enabling your ADULT children by not making them remotely responsible for themselves, 3) You MUST be a united front with your wife on ALL parenting issues - with respect to your children together and your adult children.

Basically, he was told that to put me in the position he did regarding his DD's plans to move out (when it was a lie) was just not responsible...To allow his adult children ever to disrespect me w/o defending me was not right, nor would it be right to allow our sons to do the same.

For me, I was just told that it was the right thing to do to allow her to live w/ us on a temporary basis. Like I thought, any discussions regarding a move out date and obligations around the house should have been done w/ the three of us present and from the start. And, the counselor feels a July 1 deadline for SD to gain independence is a good target. We'll see what happens...

It was certainly a step in the right direction. We have many, many issues that have taken their toll on my feelings towards my husband. I don't know if I'll ever get back to where I was in my heart, but I do think this therapy is a good idea - I'm just angry that despite our money woes, we need to pay for someone to tell DH that he shouldn't lie/deceive me and that continuing to pour money into adults who have been afforded every opportunity in life to succeed on their own is just not helping them...esp. when we didn't have property tax money for our fire-damaged building (waiting on ins. for > 2yrs. now) and had to borrow it last month...

Dana

I think it's great that you went to counseling. It appears that he needed to hear those things from a neutral person in order for them to be effective (as unfortunate as that is). Any suggestions for me? I have been living with my boyfriend for a year and a half and he has a 28 year old daughter that lives with us. She has never moved out except to go to college. She has never dated (that I'm aware of) and doesn't have many friends (although she is an attractive girl). She has a good degree but works second shift at a factory. Basically she has no ambitions in life. I have noticed that she is looking at going overseas temporarily to teach English (she likes to travel) or go back to school. But she toggles back and forth between these options many times. Her dad pays for her car insurance and cell phone, yet she has no other bills but works full-time. She doesn't pay us rent. It drives me crazy! I confronted him a few months ago about was there any plan for her to move out soon and let me tell you, that did not go over well. He basically told me that she could live with us for the rest of his life if that is what made her happy. He basically told me he did not want my opinion about his children (in regards to topics like this) ever again unless asked. That was very hurtful. The next day he did tell me that I told him some things that he wasn't facing before. I am hoping that he reacted that way out of defense but deep down he really wants her to have her own life. He is basically afraid to talk to her about her future (he doesn't at all), so she is getting no encouragement to do better with her life. He acts like he is afraid to upset her in the smallest way and I think that is the guilt from his divorce. I'm hoping soon that she will find her way and move out but in the meantime, do I just try to be patient and wait? I don't know what else to do? I think what angers me the most is that he doesn't seem to care that she is wasting her life watching movies (she is obsessed with movies, my opinion is that she is blocking out reality). It also bothers me that he pays for her cell phone and insurance when she doesn't have any other bills. any advice?

Oh, honey, I feel your pain. I can tell you that I am now W/O this permanent houseguest for a week and it's great!

It's tough because all parents resent anyone other than themselves criticizing (even if it's constructive) their child, regardless of the child's age.

Maybe your best approach would be to take her under your wing and open up her mind to a few fantasies and opportunities. The overseas thing sounds great for both of you - you get her out and she has an adventure most Americans never get.

Or, encourage her to go to a vocational school. I'm a dentist and my assistants make around $18/hr. Some more, some less and they do start out less. But, it's only a one year or less program. Hygienists make $250/day here (FL) for a 2 yr. program. Now, health professions may not be her thing, but if she wants to go abroad, keep talking that up!

Where's her mother?

Also, gently tell your bf that he is not giving her the confidence she needs in herself to survive and be productive in life. I had to tell my DH this about his grown kids. First of all, they are not establishing credit by having him handle all of their luxuries: car, phone, bills, etc. Secondly, he's always bailing them out, so they really have no idea what to do in a pinch except to hand everything over to Daddy...it isn't healthy.

Lastly, I don't understand why a 28 y.o. would WANT to live w/ her father and his live in gf. That's just weird. I guess the no rent, no utilities has it's appeal, but it's still weird. Now, I lived at home after dental school after being away for 10 years, but it was also to help my parents out. That doesn't seem to be the case here and when there's someone other than the bioparents in the mix, I don't always understand why the adult child feels comfortable as I don't think I would.

No boyfriends for her, I guess? Tell her about my friend who met her soul mate while traveling Europe. She's been there now over 10 years and has 2 children...

I think bf got defensive but probably is concerned about his DD. I mean, what will happen to her the day he's unable to provide for her? Perhaps she is depressed and needs a little counseling as she is wasting away her life in front of the TV????

I completely agree w/ you about that guilt thing. Not sure why it's there - because she is now from a broken home? Because he wasn't there as much as he wanted to be? I don't know. The counseling did help us tremendously. Maybe he'd go w/ you to help w/ dialogue and to see that he isn't helping her longterm?

All the best and keep posting,
Dana

I appreciate your input. That is something that I decided over the weekend...to talk to her about her future. The problem is that I have to wait until BF isn't around. I think to him, I have my own selfish motives so I pretty much have to have these conversations behind his back. And she works 2nd shift so the only time I see her is on the weekend and he is always around. But as soon as I have the opportunity, I think I'm going to invite her to lunch/dinner and talk to her about it. I hesitate to say much about him not encouraging her (although he really isn't) because to him, if she is happy now, that's all he cares about (at least that's what he says). So to him, why encourage someone who appears to be happy? I can't possibly believe that he believes she can be happy. But I don't have my own children so it's hard for me to judge. I would absolutely love him to go to counseling with me (I've been going off and on for this issue but he doesn't know it). I'm afraid to bring it up because to him, it is what it is and there isn't any issue. To him, if I'm not happy with the situation, I can leave. That sounds harsh but that's pretty much what he told me a few months ago when I brought her living with us up. I'm trying to be fair to myself also and give myself a timeframe. If she isn't out and has no intention of moving out within so many months, I'm going to have to make a decision.

And I can't even imagine that she is terribly comfortable in that house with me living there (I must note, I am not that much older than she is). I can't imagine living with my dad and his younger girlfriend...I'd be out of that place so fast.

I can't even imagine how happy you are now that your houseguest is gone. I daydream about it a lot! The problem with her is that she basically doesn't want to have to work hard for anything. I have never seen anyone with so little ambition in life. She is so indecisive about everything. But if I can get her alone for awhile and have a conversation with her, I think I'm going to try to get it out of her and try and help her. I am so tired of her taking advantage of her dad. It's pretty much all I think about and it rules my life and that's not right.

I fear that if she goes overseas that she will just come right back and live with us again. She has more [censored] than anyone I know (probably, no exaggeration, 20 bins of stuff in our small basement). So if she goes overseas for a 30 week program, her stuff will remain and she'll just be back. Granted, I'll have the house without her for 30 weeks which will be great but I think that her dad should tell her, 'Okay, when you get back, it's time to grow up and start looking for your own place." Of course, he won't do that, but I believe he should.

I appreciate your advice. It helps me a great deal to get this off of my chest and have someone talk to me that has gone through it. I've tried reading books on it but it just never applies to my situation.