BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids The moment it really solidified...

I'm 27, married 5 years to an amazing guy. My marriage is wonderful, and we seriously still act like newlyweds. So much so that my sisters (who have kids) grumble at us for being so affectionate!--We don't make out or anything, but we're always holding hands or touching in some way if we're near each other. And well, the occassional little smoochie...And we LOVE our life. We can go anywhere at the drop of the hat(more or less, work-willing), every year we take a week-long trip to San Diego for a convention, every year we take an 11 hr plane trip to Holland(to visit hubby's family), and we take naps every weekend, and sometimes during the week too! :P

Anyway, we are both well aware that we wouldn't be able to live this way with kids. Everything we know would come to a screeching halt. And still yet, I sometimes get those warm fuzzies when I think about hubby holding a baby that looks a little like him and a little like me. But those moments are fleeting. And I get them less and less since we had...THE SCARE! I'm sure most of you have had it!
I had gotten a bunch of lab tests for a surgery I was going to have(breast-reduction, and if I had kids now, that would be money down the drain!). And the doctor's office called and said, "You're pregnancy test values were a little high. We'd like to retest you to make sure you're not pregnant."
I felt like my whole life had been stopped. I cried. I frantically tried to get ahold of my hubby, who was on the phone to his family at the time. I freaked out, for lack of a better phrase. And when I told hubby, he freaked out too. And that's when I realized, that despite all the little warm fuzzy moments I may have thinking about the adorable baby moments, THAT was what my reality would be. Sheer terror and a feeling like my life was over. And that is NO way to bring a child into the world. And we had already been leaning CF since before we got married. This just cemented it!

So I still allow myself the warm fuzzy moments, but they are well-tempered by my memory of that terrible day.

Anyone else have that 'moment of clarity'??

Interesting topic, Rogue... I think for me, it has been a gradual deepening in my conviction to not have children. I knew when I was a teenager, and my friends talked about getting married and having children. I asked them why they would want to do that. I didn't care about it at all in my 20s because I wanted to get my career set up, and wanted to know I could take care of myself before I met anyone. Now that I have met someone that I will marry in a few months, nothing has changed. I've been saying "no kids" my whole life, and people think meeting my future husband is going to change my mind - no way!

I have those warm fuzzy moments sometimes, too. I actually thought about posting about this last week. I watched the movie "The Pursuit of Happyness." The little boy in that movie is so adorable and touching, I couldn't handle it. My DH2B was surprised by my reaction to him. The little boy's character reminded me of my nephew, who has had a really hard life b/c my sister is a complete trainwreck. And I couldn't stop crying.

But, you know what, it was gone the next day. I can put it in perspective. But I think that's the difference between the people on this board, and the women that desperately want children. I know it was only a movie, and that kid might be adorable and sweet now, but wait until he's a teenager! Is it really worth it to have a few good years with a child and deal with ten or more when they are a nightmare? My trainwreck sister was adorable when she was little, but she changed dramatically, and has made my parents' life a living hell. They are constantly fighting back and forth over custody of my nephew. I firmly believe she has taken ten years of their life, with all of the stress, grief and aggravation she has caused through her substance abuse.

Sorry, a little off topic. But this is a true story, and it happens!

That is scary. I actually had a dream a few weeks ago, where I went to the doctors and he insisted on a pregnancy test (I'm thinking, what for? I know I'm not pregnant), and then came back in and told me I was 4 months gone and couldn't have an abortion now. I woke up shaking, it scared the hell out of me.

I guess I'm really lucky in that I've always known. There's never been a time when I've even considered having kids. I'm just not interested on any level, and to be perfectly honest (here's my confession) I don't like children. I don't like their whiny voices and mindless blather and poking fingers and non-existent attention spans. I read Childfree Hardcore and laugh my a$$ off, because I TOTALLY relate. And that's one of the reasons I couldn't stay with my ex. I knew very well that it wasn't just a matter of not giving him a baby - it was that if he stayed with me, there weren't going to be kids in his life period, and that's not fair to him. I could see him ending up with a single mom if he doesn't have his own, and being perfectly happy... he'd still have the gig, just not the naming rights :-)

I was 4 months gone and couldn't have an abortion now.

Interesting you say that. Would you have an abortion if you accidentally got preggers? (Not trying to start a debate, it's just the first I've seen about the topic on this forum, though I am new!) Apologies if this is a big no-no topic, but it only really recently struck me that I think I might have one if I got pregnant. I can't say for sure though.
I'm completely pro-choice, but I was never sure if I could actually have one myself. Part of me still thinks, "But that's a little part of me and my hubby that I'm destroying." But I do know I don't want a kid...so why be forced into it by an accident? I know I'd hate it if I found out my parents truly never wanted kids, then had me because I was an accident. I wouldn't want to be a "Well, I guess you're here now..." kid.

Hey Rogue,
I am 37. Ten years ago I was unemployed for a summer. That unemployed summer made me decide to be CF forever. I enjoyed a leisurely summer of biking and hiking while I was looking for work. I was in decent shape financially that I could explore all job possibilities close to home first. After a 1 month temp job, I land with my present employer. My office is less than a 10 min walk from my home. If I had kids during my unemployed summer, a moderately stressful time would have become super stressful.

One pregnancy scare with my ex-girlfriend was enough to make my CF stance permanent. She was on the 21 day pill/7 days no pill plan at the time and took the pill every day she was supposed to. It turns out the pills were working so well that they had stopped her period completely that month. The knuckleheads at the ob/gyn office told her after the scare "we get that question a lot." Gee, why don't you tell your patients that beforehand?? It was scary enough for us as adults. I am sure it would be even scarier for a 17 year old in her first relationship. The nurse at the ob/gyn office also said the suppressed cycle was not related to age. A few months after the scare, my ex started having problems with the pill. Her doctor recommended she not stay on the pill indefinitely. She was 42 at the time. I got snipped in September, 2006. The relationship ended 3 months ago, but I have zero regrets about getting snipped. I am counting on my next girlfriend being happy to not have to deal with the burden of birth control.

Like you and your husband (and all the CF people on this board), I enjoy my freedom. I have plenty of time to devote to outdoor sports (skiing and biking mainly). My life would be turned upside down if I had kids. If I kept my current job (which I like), I would be living on a really tight budget which causes a lot of anguish and stress all by itself. My middle brother (married, father of 3) is a Vice President at a high tech electronics firm. He earns great money and takes the family on a nice vacation every year in addition to a vacation he takes on his own. He also works 10-12 hour days and travels all over the world. Eight hour days are long enough for me. In conclusion, I enjoy my life the way it is and I don't want to lose my freedom.

Mike

Hey Rogue! And welcome! I can relate to so many of the above posts. My husband and I had a bad few days last week- rough days at work etc. So we decided to have a pity party! It was really great. We made a beef tenderloin dinner, had a little too much wine and went skinnydipping in our pool!!! :-) Anyway- about halfway through the night hubby says, "I guess we wouldn't be able to do any of this silly stuff if we had kids." He's right!

We have also been through "the scare." I was 23 and had just started working professionally. I also had just met my DH. Anyway- I actually did schedule an abortion and went to the appointment to find out I had miscarried. Phew! I have always remembered that horribly scary time and I am so thankful that it turned out the way it did. I went through about a week of hell...but it definitely made at least a part of me realize even then (It was 10-11 years ago) that kids are not for me.

Happy- I have a sister who is also a train wreck and is destroying her kids and my parent's lives. She is a constant source of stress and irritation for all of us. I believe she pursued having children because of those "warm fuzzies" without ever considering what it really means to be a parent. And now the whole family pays the price. So I can relate to your comments!

Sorry to say it, but yes, I would, without a moment's hesitation. I'd be stampeding to that clinic. And to people who are silly enough to ask me this question :-), my stock answer is "why compound one mistake with another?"

And I wouldn't tell him either. It's none of his business. You're a sperm donor, honey, end of story. This is my body, my life and my choice ... and some things are strictly "need to know".

And to people who are silly enough to ask me this question :-), my stock answer is "why compound one mistake with another?"


Good answer, and a conclusion I think I've come to myself!

YES! I had a few scares over the years and it was not pleasant....more like heart sinking and blood rushing to my stomach! No butterflies or excitement! I knew then that there was something different about me to have that sort of reaction. I broke into a cold sweat when my husband mentioned getting me pregnant when we were first married.....not really the proper reaction, I thought....so I'm GLAD I listened to my inner self and didn't cave into the external pressures! Whew! How miserable would that be?

I've had a few scares, the last of which was fall '06. All of the negative emotions I experienced regarding possibly being pregnant in spite of being married and having a stable home life made it very clear I wasn't cut out for pregnancy or parenthood. I was always 'pretty sure' I didn't want kids, but wanted to make the final decision at age 35. The last scare was at age 36.

As for the other question; I don't know. I know I wouldn't continue a pregnancy involving major birth defects or Down's, but I wouldn't feel entirely comfortable terminating a healthy pregnancy within my marriage. That knowledge made me VERY careful about using birth control. Now he's snipped, so no worries there.