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Wolf
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Wolf
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004 |
Mine is a very similar story, AF... so i do understand. We can probably help each other. For some reason we often get perspective on our own situations when we are trying to help someone else who has gone through something similar. When i try to figure out how to improve my own self esteem... my issues cloud my judgment.  ...but if you look above, CDMohatta just asked me, "How do they get that initial confidence?" ...and somehow answers started coming. Strange, hunh?  You know, your ex was not criticising you because he believed it the truth or even cared whether it was or wasn't... it had nothing to do with the truth. He would simply tell you anything to make you think less of yourself so that he would have control over you. Abusers will actually test by saying lots and lots of things, but they look for when you react the most and get upset... then they know they can manipulate you and it is the things that get to you that they repeat. So really... it has NOTHING to do with the truth. That was never what it was about. So... just to let you know... i was happily married for ten years to a man who was, and is, wonderful in many ways, but he is also unfortunately mentally ill (psychosis and bi-polar). He was quite stable and a good husband until something triggered his mental illness, and then he became very mentally abusive and would rage, and people began to fear for my life when he began having delusions that were complete departures from reality. He, like in your situation, tried to make me think it was me going crazy, and he got me half believing it. He never cheated on me, but many other things happened and for a long time i was harrassed by him. I'm also trying hard to build my confidence, which is very low. Where might i begin? Write all the good work done by you. When I feel low in confidence, I try to recollect my school days. I was the top in my school and my answer sheets were circulated to showcase model answers. that changes my state immediately. Do something similar by going in past. Begin recollecting.
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Joined: Apr 2007
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Koala
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Koala
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,209 |
Thank you CD. You are very compassionate also, and do a great deal to look after us here at Bella. Let's see... Each day, let us practice trying to see the glass half full rather than half empty, with regards to how we view ourselves. I know i have grown a bad habit of thinking about what i can't do and what i haven't gotten done today or what i think i should have done, instead of what i can do, am doing and what i have accomplished today. This bad habit wears me down and makes me feel like i'm not good enough and not doing enough, and ultimately, it encourages a self-fulfilling prophecy because it's discouraging. CD posted that wonderful article in the other thread, "20 Tricks to Nuke a Bad Habit." Several of the suggestions in that article can help me break this bad habit. Number 11... "Use 'But'," is a good one to use here. If i say something like, "I didn't get my 3 goals done today BUT I tried and i did get some of it done today and that is a good thing." Or i can try to just substitute a more positive thought entirely. Does anyone else have this habit of being hard on themselves?
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Joined: Apr 2006
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Wolf
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Wolf
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004 |
Whenever I get hard on myself, I begin thinking of what I accomplished. that brings a balance.
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Jellyfish
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Jellyfish
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 101 |
Oh yes! I believe very much in the help we can give to each other. It is so right what you say about realizing that those who insult ad put us down are really the insecure ones, who gain power by making others feel small and powerless. I can see this now that I am no longer 'in' the situation.
I just don't understand why I want him back! I think perhaps that what my doc said is true: that I am in love with who I THOUGHT he was. I love someone who doesn't really exist - only what I wanted to believe he was. I have to face up to reality and see this person as he really is. I guess I don't like that because I want to hold onto a dream.
Reality is a tough thing to come to terms with, isn't it?
To accept that I made a huge mistake and that I fell in love with a cad who was a good actor! Like people who get sucked in by a con artist.
I have to accept the fact that I made a poor choice, but it wasn't my fault. We can be too trusting to the point of being gullible. That was me!
I guess I'm lucky I found out before it was too late and I ended up in a psych ward. There has to be a lesson here somewhere.
Perhaps we begin by taking a good look at ourselves and writing down all the things about us that are kind and good.
It is an indication of our loving natures that we are slow to see the faults in others.
It is a forgiving heart that wants to find the best in people.
It is our integrity which makes us want to believe that others are honest.
It is our patience and perseverance that makes us try so hard to make a relationship work.
Things like that, which, as my doc says, are the positive sides of what we think are our failings and weaknesses.
It's somewhere to start!
AF.
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Wolf
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Wolf
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004 |
AF, your Doc sounds v. good.
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Koala
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Koala
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,209 |
It is an indication of our loving natures that we are slow to see the faults in others.
It is a forgiving heart that wants to find the best in people.
It is our integrity which makes us want to believe that others are honest.
It is our patience and perseverance that makes us try so hard to make a relationship work.
Things like that, which, as my doc says, are the positive sides of what we think are our failings and weaknesses.
It's somewhere to start!
AF.
Very true! And i think you can have your dream and it can come true... only... it is clear it will not come true with him! So the dream... it must change a little... Like any kind of dream, for all of us, we have to adjust along the way as we move towards it. With love, when we are young, often we dream of prince charming or princess charming and they may look gorgeous in our heads!!!... but the person who is right for us may not look the same or ride into our lives on a white horse. When we do have our dream come true, even though it is not what we first expected, we are not disappointed. You have reached for your dream. And on the first try, you did not succeed... but that does not mean you have failed and that you only have that once chance, with that one person, to have your dream come true. You just need to adjust slightly. You know the qualities you seek in someone, and you know much more about yourself, your qualities, and what would be good for you to learn so that you are stronger. These are all good things. Ultimately, if you want your dream to come true, you will need to look in a direction other than towards the one who only pretended to be your true love, and who tried to destroy you, yes?
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Joined: Jul 2007
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Jellyfish
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Jellyfish
Joined: Jul 2007
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EXACTLY!
You give me renewed hope!
Thanks so much.
AF
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Joined: Apr 2007
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Koala
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Koala
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,209 |
Write all the good work done by you.
When I feel low in confidence, I try to recollect my school days.
I was the top in my school and my answer sheets were circulated to showcase model answers.
that changes my state immediately.
Do something similar by going in past.
Begin recollecting. I somehow missed reading this post before. Yes, cd, that is a good idea. and that's wonderful about the quality of your school work!
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Joined: Apr 2006
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Wolf
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Wolf
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004 |
Where is your little book?
write in that.
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Joined: Apr 2007
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Koala
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Koala
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,209 |
thank you.
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