BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development Confidence

Sue, have you calculated how much it cost for one month of smoking? I haven't smoked in so long I wouldn't know anymore, but just to say, if cigs were $4/pack and a person smoked a pack a day, then that would be ... $120 a month. WOW! I had no idea. I think I quit when I could buy a pack AND a roll of mints for less than a dollar! WOW! You could take one heck of a trip next year to congratulate yourself for not smoking with $1440!!

You've been smoking for 34 years? Then you might need some help, too. I used Nicorette gum when I quit and it really helped. I thought I might be addicted to the nicotine, so I tried it. Everytime I felt the urge to smoke, I got a piece of gum and chewed it. It took almost a minute to get the gum and put it in my mouth and start to chew; about the same time it would take to get a cig, light it and put everything away. That minute gave my mind and hand something to do when I THOUGHT I needed a cigarette.

When I started to chew the gum, it was NOT very good. It sorta reminded me of the first times I smoked and how it tasted. Anyway, after a few minutes, I no longer had an urge to smoke and I couldn't stand the gum anymore, so I would take the gum out and put it back in the plastic bubble. The next time I thought I would die if I didn't get a cigarette, I'd get that same piece and stick it in my mouth and start to chew. Again, within minutes my brain, mouth and body were saying "that's enough!"

Usually I could use the same piece 2 or 3 times before I started a new piece because I could never stand them long enough to really "wear" them out. What I found with Nicorette is that if I had a nicotine addiction, it helped wean me off both nicotine AND my habit. If I had an oral fixation or just needed something to do with my hands out of habit, the routine of getting the gum and going to my mouth satisfied that urge. And because it stayed as gross in the end as it was in the beginning, I never got used to it, like I did to smoking, so I was able to eventually completely quit using any kind of aid. It took me about 3 - 4 weeks. During that time, however, I decided if I was going to use a non-smoking aid that I was going to be serious and do NO CHEATING.

So, when you finally finish the last cig in the pack, and decide THAT IS IT, start with some kind of aid and see if that will help you be completely smoke-free by the time your boyfriend comes home from his job. They also have patches you can use, but the gum is more like smoking to me, so it kinda like giving up a "tit for a tat", a hand held habit and mouth fixation for the same. You DO have to get an RX from a doctor but many states have plans that are paying for it, if you are trying to quit smoking, to help you STOP smoking. Ask your doctor.

Again, Good Luck!

Trish

YOU stick with you, dear.

Look at it this way, if you'd had a rash for the last 34 years, it doesn't mean it was your oldest friend and you'd want to keep it!

oh so true, Holly!

Holly, you said you wanted to be confident before beginning. what is your opinion now?

Did i really, CD?

I think i may have poorly communicated. I seem to remember saying something in one of the threads... did i say something like, "first, i think i need to work on my confidence," ? If i did i meant giving it primary importance.... not waiting in a closet until i have better confidence and then emerging.

I think some of confidence comes from attempting to do things and recognizing our efforts or accomplishments. A person does not become confident riding a bicycle until they have done it, but they need some confidence that they can learn to ride it, or they will not try.

You said that and that was why I began this thread.

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I think some of confidence comes from attempting to do things and recognizing our efforts or accomplishments. A person does not become confident riding a bicycle until they have done it, but they need some confidence that they can learn to ride it, or they will not try.
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Yes. How do they get that initial confidence?

thank you, CD.

hmmmm. *thinking...*

No one has zero confidence, so we can start by building on what we have. Probably all of us are more confident in some areas than in others.

We can talk to ourselves more kindly and encouragingly, and remind ourselves of what we do well, and whatever success we had today.

We can try to stop frightening ourselves with scary self-talk when we want to do something. I learned about this from Deanne Repich,BellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!

Hollyelise, this is good stuff, and it's what I need to hear, and be doing too.

After entering what I believed would be a wonderful, loving marriage, I certainly never expected what it turned out to be. I heard so many negative things about myself, and what an impossible person I was for ANYONE to live with, and how I was emotionally immature and how disappointed my partner was in me, - after three years of this, I started to believe it and I lost all my self confidence and felt completely to blame for the failure of the marriage. Everything was MY fault. It was even suggested that I was mentally ill. I believed that too! Events from my childhood were even used as weapons to 'prove' to me that I was unstable.

Now I have to regain my confidence and self respect and writing down the good things that I know and am told is a good way to begin.

One thing that comforts me is the knowledge that right through the marriage, I never lied and I never cheated, - which cannot be said for my ex, so I can't be ALL that bad!

Another thing I do, that you may not agree with, is to remind myself of the horrid things which were said to and about me by the ex. (I do this because I tend to put the blame back on myself and feel sorry for the ex to the point of being tempted to phone and apologize (yet again) and try to regain his respect.) My doctor told me to write down all the nasty things said to me, and the lies told about me, whenever I feel tempted to phone and 'apologize' - and so far, it has stopped me from crawling and begging.

I was the one to eventually end the relationship - in a fit of rage, when I discovered there was another woman and all the lies told me. But I still love the creep and I can't bear the fact that I'm no longer respected or loved. There is always that urge to 'make up' - yet my common sense tells me that is madness. I can now understand why some women go back into abusive relationships. I don't know why, but I understnd.

So I have to learn to respect myself and have confidence in myself and in my integrity as a person. Things I let the ex rob me of. I have to stop being a 'doormat' and, as my doc says 'take back my power' - (though I don't think I was aware that I had any in the first place!)

Now, I'm beginning to learn how to tap into it, and break free from the hold he has had over me.

Thanks for bearing with me!

AF

Mine is a very similar story, AF... so i do understand. We can probably help each other. For some reason we often get perspective on our own situations when we are trying to help someone else who has gone through something similar. When i try to figure out how to improve my own self esteem... my issues cloud my judgment. ...but if you look above, CDMohatta just asked me, "How do they get that initial confidence?" ...and somehow answers started coming. Strange, hunh?

You know, your ex was not criticising you because he believed it the truth or even cared whether it was or wasn't... it had nothing to do with the truth. He would simply tell you anything to make you think less of yourself so that he would have control over you. Abusers will actually test by saying lots and lots of things, but they look for when you react the most and get upset... then they know they can manipulate you and it is the things that get to you that they repeat. So really... it has NOTHING to do with the truth. That was never what it was about.

So... just to let you know... i was happily married for ten years to a man who was, and is, wonderful in many ways, but he is also unfortunately mentally ill (psychosis and bi-polar). He was quite stable and a good husband until something triggered his mental illness, and then he became very mentally abusive and would rage, and people began to fear for my life when he began having delusions that were complete departures from reality. He, like in your situation, tried to make me think it was me going crazy, and he got me half believing it. He never cheated on me, but many other things happened and for a long time i was harrassed by him.

I'm also trying hard to build my confidence, which is very low. Where might i begin?

[quote=hollyelise]thank you, CD.

hmmmm. *thinking...*

No one has zero confidence, so we can start by building on what we have. Probably all of us are more confident in some areas than in others.

We can talk to ourselves more kindly and encouragingly, and remind ourselves of what we do well, and whatever success we had today.

We can try to stop frightening ourselves with scary self-talk when we want to do something. I learned about this from Deanne Repich,BellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!